Narcissistic Judo: Make Your Mate's Narcissism Work for You

If you are in a serious relationship with a narcissist and no longer in the honeymoon stage, you are probably wondering how to cope with your partner’s self-centered and abusive behavior. It is likely that you have noticed by now that he or she is volatile, easily offended, devaluing, controlling, and insensitive to your feelings. For reasons that you do not understand, your mate also seems to feel entitled to get everything that he or she wants without regard to how you feel about the matter. Somehow things have evolved so that you are no longer an important part of the decision-making process.

Your friends are all telling you that your loved one is a narcissist and that you should just leave, but you hesitate. You are probably reading this right now because you have been searching the internet for more information about narcissists and narcissistic personality disorder in the hope of finding something that might explain what is going on and how to make everything better.

Why not just leave?

You may not be ready to leave just yet. You may be deeply in love or simply want to give this relationship more time. If so, you are probably quite naïve about the nature of narcissistic behavior and may be overly optimistic that your mate can and will change. Or you may be married to this person, have three young children together, and do not want to put them through a divorce.

Whatever your reason for staying, the more you learn about narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, the better prepared you will be to deal with its effect on your relationship and your life. (Note: In this post, I am using the terms “narcissist” and “narcissistic” as shorthand ways of referring to people who qualify for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.)

However, all is not lost. While your mate is unlikely to change, you can learn to utilize some of your mate’s narcissistic traits so that they work in your favor and not only against you. One of the most interesting things about people who are narcissistic is just how illogical they can be. They blame you for things that are their fault; they take credit for things that you did; and they love to give advice about anything and everything—even when they know very little about the topic.

Once you understand how narcissists operate, you can actually use your partner’s narcissistic characteristics to manipulate situations so that you get more of what you want with fewer fights. This is a bit like one of those martial arts in which you learn to use your opponent's speed and strength against them. I call this “narcissistic judo.”

How does narcissistic judo work?

Let’s imagine that your partner is an exhibitionist narcissist. Most exhibitionist narcissists share the following characteristics:

• They have unstable self-esteem and need external validation.
• They like to be right.
• They like to give advice.
• They tend to claim other people’s ideas as their own.

Each of these narcissistic traits is likely to create problems in your relationship. However, each of them is also a vulnerability that you can learn to utilize.

Just to be clear, I am not saying that doing the following things are fair to anyone—you or your mate. In a normal, loving relationship, both partners can speak openly and honestly, expect to be treated fairly, and know that their mate cares about how they feel. Unfortunately, you cannot rely on a narcissistic mate to be reasonable or actually care very much about your well-being. Most narcissists are very, very selfish. I am only suggesting the following methods as a way to keep your relationship intact without having daily fights about every decision. It is a way for you to exert some control without appearing to do so. This method is a last resort after you have tried everything else and cannot stand the constant fighting over trivial matters but are not yet ready to leave.

Below are some narcissistic judo methods broken down into clear steps. First, I name a narcissistic characteristic, then I describe how to use it to your benefit, then I give a brief example.

I suggest that no matter what your goal, try to always start by giving a boost to your partner’s unstable self-esteem. Narcissists may appear very confident, but underneath they all are insecure about their self-worth. This leaves them very vulnerable to projecting their inner harsh, devaluing voice onto you and then treating you as their enemy. By frequently saying true things that boost your partner’s self-esteem, your partner gets a regular reminder that you respect and value him or her.

Unstable Self-Esteem

How to use: You can consciously choose to boost your partner’s self-esteem by mentioning something that you admire that he or she does well. This will put your partner in a positive frame of mind. Be sure to choose something true and also, if possible, mention some details about a time that he or she demonstrated this trait or ability.

Then, if you ask your partner for something, your partner is likely to be more inclined to give you what you want. By acknowledging your partner’s strengths, your partner becomes less afraid you will judge him or her, and more relaxed and open towards you.

Example: I was just telling my friend Sylvia about what a great vocabulary you have. I remember the time we played Scrabble with that couple who were bragging about how good they were. You won every game!

You may have noticed that in the example above, I include telling a third party about your partner’s great vocabulary. For people with narcissistic adaptations, public acknowledgment of their strengths makes them extra happy. They live for external validation and the more the better. If you want to increase the power of your self-esteem boost, tell someone else about one of your mate’s good qualities and then you can quite honestly tell your mate that you did so.

They Like to Be Right

How to use: You want your mate to buy into a plan that you have made and do it your way, but you know your mate will object unless the idea comes from him or her.

Simply start your sentence with: You were so right! We definitely should do (fill in the blank).

Very few people with narcissistic personality disorder are inclined to disagree with any statement or proposal which acknowledges them as right. This is a bit manipulative, but it can help you get agreement without a fight.

Let’s imagine that the two of you once went to a restaurant that you would now like to go back to again. Let’s also imagine that your narcissistic partner might turn it down if you simply say that you want to go there. So…you associate going there with your partner being right and you being wrong.

Example: You were so right about that restaurant. It really is better than the others. I didn’t see your point at first, but now I think you were 100% right. How about we go there tonight, and you can pick another new dish for us to try?

Narcissists love to make comparisons. They often say, “X is better than Y.” I used this piece of information in the example above when I said, “It really is better than the others.” I also increased the power of what I was saying by adding in some reluctance to see it their way initially, but finally coming around, “I didn’t see it your way at first, but now I think that you were 100% right.” Narcissists love to know that they have successfully persuaded someone who once doubted their point of view to now acknowledge that they were right all along.

Why the 100%? Most narcissists need to be recognized as totally right. Being partly right, or mostly right, is not enough to satisfy them. Why suggest that your mate pick a new dish for the two of you to try? That helps convince the part of your mate that loves being in control to go along with your plan.

They Like to Give Advice

How to use: You want to go out shopping for something for the house. You want your partner to go with you because you know from experience that if you just go out and buy something on your own, your narcissistic mate will criticize whatever you buy. In order to head off the criticism, you get your mate to help choose the item or to give you advice. This works best when you actually like your mate’s taste. Again, start with praise.

Example: You have such good taste! I love your sense of color and proportion. Would you be willing to go with me to buy that new lamp for the bedroom? I would love your opinion.

Another important use: Your mate is starting to tell you a long, boring story that you have heard a dozen times or is starting to complain about something you have done. You can often stop this dead in its tracks by asking for advice. Narcissists exist in the moment. This means that most of them are quite willing for you to suddenly change the topic, if you change it to something that makes them feel more important.

Example: Excuse me for interrupting, but you know so much more than I do about computers, that I wanted to get your opinion. I know you have researched computers very thoroughly. I am thinking of getting a new laptop. What do you advise? Could you tell me more about that?

Here, you are simply changing topics. You are taking control of the conversation without insulting your mate by actively showing disinterest in whatever topic he or she had initially chosen. Please note that I start with praise and a comparison in which I make the other person my superior. Your exhibitionist narcissist mate is likely to find this tactic very pleasurable. By the way, make sure that you ask for advice about something that really interest you and that you are willing to take your mate's advice on this topic. Narcissists get insulted if you ask for their advice and then they find out that you have done something entirely different than they had suggested.

They Tend to Claim Other People’s Work as Their Own

How to use: This is another tactic in which you use the narcissist’s own tendency against him or her. This involves a bit of reverse “gaslighting.” You give your mate credit for your idea and plant in your mate’s mind that it was actually his or her idea. This combines the narcissist's desire to be right with the exhibitionist narcissist's grandiose belief that everything good must come from him or her. This is not strictly ethical, but it can be a “win-win” solution and head off an unpleasant argument.

Example: I have been thinking about that idea you proposed a while back that we should (fill in the blank with something you would like). I realize you were right, and I was wrong. We should definitely do it your way.

One of the reasons that the above works, is that our “source memory" is one of the weakest forms of memory. This means that it is fairly easy to confuse people about where they first learned a bit of information. For more on this phenomenon, see Daniel Schachter’s book Searching for Memory (1996).

Of course, these tactics can work with people other than your mate. You can try them on your narcissistic mother-in-law, your narcissistic boss, or your narcissistic friend who always has to be right.

Punchline: The very same narcissistic characteristics that hurt you in the relationship can also be viewed as your mate's vulnerabilities. A knowledge of narcissistic judo can help you utilize these vulnerabilities—a desire to feel important, a need to be acknowledged as right, and a fondness for giving unwanted advice—to get more of what you want and defuse potential arguments with your mate.

A version of this post appeared on Quora.