Imagine Your Parents Disappeared

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Many young teenagers who live with middle- or upper-class families grow up feeling that they are entitled to the benefits in their lives. Their life experiences lead them to take things for granted, such as supportive parents or caretakers, meals, housing, and good health. When parents ask such teens for help with household chores they are often met with resistance.

“Why should I help clear the table? I didn’t make that whole mess.”

I ask these teens who they think should clear the table. Often, they have not thought about this question. Some say that it’s their parents’ job, in which case I ask them why they think this should be the case. They might reply, “Because they’ve always done so.”

While I recognize that learning to take on household duties should be part of learning how to take on responsibilities, many young teens view dealing with responsibilities as a burden rather than as an important part of achieving success in life.

To break through this kind of thinking, I suggest that these teens think about what skills they need to acquire before they grow up. Sometimes, they respond with a blank stare.

I then ask, “Suppose your parents disappeared. What tasks would you have to take over?”

Shockingly, some young teens propose only a couple of tasks: Make dinner and do the dishes. When I ask them to think about what else they would need to do, they may add getting to school and doing the laundry.

I remind the teens that their parents bring in income, invest for the family, pay the bills, provide and repair the home, keep it clean, go shopping, take care of their children’s health, and give them invaluable love, material goods, information, and guidance.

I then ask, “How do you think you’re going to gain the knowledge over the next five years to be able to take over for what your parents do for you so that you can be a successful adult?”

I have had the pleasure of witnessing this question lead to widening eyes and growing awareness. I suggest that the teens think about how learning to share responsibilities with their family members, including within the home, is an important part of becoming prepared for adult life.

We discuss how the teens can help in the home, perhaps by volunteering to take on chores they have not been requested to do; learning how to handle their finances through having a savings account that they manage, including for the purchase of games or tickets to entertainment events; taking on the responsibility of shopping for food for the family; and making their own doctors’ appointments.

Many teens are willing to take on these adult tasks and happy that they are entrusted with the responsibility to complete them. Some teens struggle in taking on these new roles, and I encourage them to recognize that by doing so they are helping themselves become more confident and independent.

Also, I encourage the teens to ask their parents to teach them about other life issues that they will need to master as adults (which often are insufficiently taught in schools), including how to maintain a healthy lifestyle, money matters, driving tips, how to choose a career, romantic relationships, spirituality, and tips about how to achieve happiness.

Takeaway

It can be very enlightening for us to consider the importance of things we take for granted, such as what our parents do for us, and how we might achieve these on our own.