Counseling the World Family

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Throughout history, including today, we have faced situations in which people have voiced and acted upon strong disagreements with each other, with little tolerance for hearing or learning from those they oppose.

I think all people in our society could benefit from learning and applying lessons that people have found to be helpful in improving the quality of interactions and relationships within family counseling. This blog discusses some of these lessons that I teach at the start of family counseling sessions.

1. Respect

Almost every person wants to be respected. For interactions to be fruitful, it is important to treat each other with respect, which includes doing our best to listen to and understand each other’s point of view, and to respond thoughtfully and constructively, even when we disagree.

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When you find yourself losing respect for a person with whom you disagree, remind yourself that to maintain a useful dialogue you need to regain a respectful attitude. One way to do so is to identify aspects of your opponent’s life that you believe are worthy of respect, such as their love of country, wish to maintain a strong family, or some of their life achievements.

2. Active Listening

It is not enough to say, “I understand.” Rather, listeners should rephrase what has been said to ensure that they have correctly interpreted what they have been told. If they have not heard correctly, speakers should be encouraged to restate their thoughts.

Even if the listeners disagree, their demonstration that they understood what was said helps speakers feel respected. In turn, this makes them more apt to listen to the response.

3. Confrontation Leads to Resistance

When emotions become heightened, sometimes people speak loudly, rudely, or in a threatening manner. It is essential that people realize that as soon as they act in a confrontational manner, the listeners tend to become defensive and may respond confrontationally or conversely, shut down.

Only in rare circumstances does confrontation lead to positive change. Change that occurs because of confrontation generally is accompanied by lingering resentment that can cause ongoing dysfunction.

In counseling families, I suggest that if one family member becomes angry and less communicative during an interaction the discussion should be postponed until people have calmed down. Similarly, scheduled breaks during discussions that can become heated allow for participants to calm themselves, and perhaps even interact amicably with people who hold opposing positions.

4. Using “I” statements

It is beneficial to state how each member of a dispute feels about it, rather than accusing the other party of wrongdoing. For instance, rather than stating, “Your misguided actions led to this problem,” (which is confrontational) it might be stated, ‘I feel badly because of what happened.” In the latter case, the offending party may respond that they did not mean to be hurtful, rather than being put in a position where they feel the need to defend their actions.

5. Compromise

Disagreements are infrequently resolved when one party ends up agreeing that it was wrong to begin with. However, more often, the solution to disagreement is to find a way to compromise. This means that both parties may feel incompletely vindicated, which can be a sign of an effective compromise.

Compromise can take the form of implementing a solution proposed by one of the involved parties, and then revisiting the issue sometime later to assess the efficacy of that solution.

6. Pick Your Battles

It is unnecessary to debate and resolve each disagreement between disputing parties. If a problem is likely to be resolved with time, or if it won’t matter in the long-run, it is expedient for at least one of the involved parties to forego insisting that they are correct.

7. Patience

Change takes time. Improving communication within a family or between groups of people is a complicated process that can start and stop multiple times. Thus, remaining patient during this process allows it to unfold and lead to enhanced relationships.

Takeaway

The lessons I have presented in this blog have helped improve relationships in many families. My hope is that applying these lessons globally will help improve our interactions with each other and contribute to more peaceful and successful resolutions to the many conflicts we face today.