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Key points
- Symbols in a dream can often help you link to both the current conflict you are facing and to the solution simultaneously.
- Your personal associations to the characters in a dream help you connect to aspects of your own personality.
- Death in a dream can point you to an aspect of your personality you need to let go of.
Jennifer was terribly upset by a dream about the death of her father—who was very much alive. What she didn’t realize was that the death of her father symbolized an aspect of herself she needed to let go of. By imagining her own characteristics in another person, she was able to gain some distance from herself and to countenance change and growth.
The dream
“I was at my dad’s funeral, and it was extremely depressing, as you can imagine. What I really remember is upon my exit (I was crying and running with no makeup on), I ran into my old best friend, Michael. He lost his dad right before COVID, and I started bawling in his arms. We both kept screaming: Why did we have to lose our dads?”
The discussion
Jennifer started by saying, “This dream was extremely heavy, emotional, and upsetting. I felt horrible.”
I acknowledged Jennifer’s experience. “This is a very sad dream. Your unconscious mind might create a story like this when you are dwelling on something painful but not allowing your sadness to reveal itself. What do you think is under your skin these days?”
She responded, “The thing making me sad recently is spending the holidays and winter months without a boyfriend. I love having a boyfriend to do things with, and right now, I am missing it. Do thoughts of exes come into my head? Sure. But I don’t miss specific men; it’s just the idea of a boyfriend.
“The other thing is my weight. I have always been very hard on myself regarding my body, especially after being bullied in elementary school for being heavier. I developed an eating disorder in eighth grade.
“Looking back, I remember feeling fat in high school and college but still better than I do now. I’m feeling so fat, the heaviest I’ve ever been. I am sad I’m not as skinny and ‘hot’ as I used to be. Then I beat myself up as if this is the reason why I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.”
I offered, “It seems you have created a story in your dream that will bring your tears out into the open, so you can rid yourself of the sadness that’s bottled up.”
“Very interesting!” Jennifer exclaimed. “I never thought of that.”
I went on, “Please tell me what comes to mind about your dad.”
“When I think of my dad,” Jennifer answered, “I think of a man who is there for his family before anything else and lives to support us. He is loving and a little reserved, but also really funny and a jokester.
“He means well and cares a lot, but sometimes his caring comes out as yelling and being angry. But I think that’s just his own anxiety about control issues that take over. All in all, he is always there for me, and if I ever need anything, my parents will always be there.”
I commented, “It sounds like a part of you that is loving and really funny has died (metaphorically) during this time that you are feeling lonely. Does that ring true for you?”
Jennifer agreed. “When I focus on what’s missing in my life, I tend to stay rooted in sadness. I’m stuck, and there’s no room for loving myself and certainly no space for joking.”
I offered, “Your description of your dad also seems to reflect the way you worry about your weight. Your anxiety manifests as judgment and anger towards yourself.”
Jennifer agreed, “Yes! Definitely. Now add to that, my dad and I mostly clash when he makes a comment about mine or someone’s weight or body, or when he makes a joke about anxiety or therapy or nightmares.”
I responded, “It sounds as though you have internalized this judgemental voice from your dad. But remember, he’s also the one who is loving and funny and always there for you. You feel like this is the voice that has died inside you.”
“It’s true,” Jennifer recognized. “In fact, when I get like this, I do say goodbye to this part of myself. It’s probably specifically at a time when I need to tap into it!”
“Precisely. You feel sad to be losing the loving voice and left with the judgemental one. But you can turn that around. When your dad passes in the dream, think of saying goodbye to the judgemental aspect that you carry in yourself and embracing the funny, caring voice he has also given you. This is a dream of change!”
What we can learn
In Jennifer’s dream, the image of her dad’s death points her both to the current conflict she’s facing and to the solution. Why does her dream have this double messaging, and why is it sad?
Jennifer does feel sad. She “beats herself up” about her weight. However, she does not recognize her sadness. By representing her inner conflict as an outside person, her dream brings her emotions to light and allows her to understand the voices inside herself by separating her from them.
Change isn’t easy, especially when we have adopted inner voices from our parents. It can be hard to separate them and even harder to give them up. Our dreams help us see these different parts, giving us greater clarity in deciding which aspects we want to keep and which we want to let go of.
