It Really IS All About You

Ever have someone say to you, “It’s not all about you, you know!”? Has anyone ever told you to get over yourself, or to think about someone other than you? Research shows that only about 6 percent of the population is actually considered full of themselves – or narcissist. These folks may actually believe the world revolves around them, and might care only about themselves.

But what about everyone else? If only 6% is diagnosed this way, does that leave 94% of the population caring about and focused on others? You wouldn’t think so. Is the person who rushes to a meeting and cuts you off in traffic a true narcissist? Is the teacher who has a bad day and as a result gives your child a poor grade self-involved and uncaring? Is the sibling who gets miffed because you forgot her birthday right in saying “you don’t care about anyone else!”?

Yes. And no. The reality is that our only view on the world is the one we have looking out from behind the two eyes that belong to who? To you. Your view is made up of your filters – your past experiences, your nature, your nurture, your wiring, your social group, your belief system, your religious affiliation, the unwanted occurrences you have had, and on and on and on. The truth is that no one looks out at the world with an objective, open-minded viewpoint. Everyone is tainted by the clogged filters they view the world from behind.

The problem is that people don’t accept their limited objectivity as fact. You might believe you are very open-minded (and relative to others, you may be…). You might put emphasis on helping other people and doing nice things. You might be a giver who offers time, talent and money with no expectation of anything in return. You might even be someone who can often see both sides of the story.

But you can never be totally and completely free of the thoughts and beliefs that cloud your view. When those sage people tell you to walk in another person’s shoes, you can try and imagine what life would be like from their viewpoint, you can try and be empathetic and caring, but you can never actually walk in their shoes. It’s physically impossible; their view will always be a bit tinted by yours.

This doesn’t mean everyone is bad and uncaring. It means it is important to recognize this dynamic is happening, and work very hard to be as objective and outward-looking as possible. Your life will be about you; it has to be. However the richest lives, and not in a monetary way but in a happiness way, come when you give of yourself and your gifts to others.

If it is all about you, how can you make it about others? There are a few things you can do to turn your attention outward and unclog those filters just a bit:

1. Meditate. Practice emptying your mind from time to time. If you aren’t someone who can sit still for a period of time, do a walking meditation. Meditate when you drive (just don’t close your eyes!). Meditation is really about clearing thoughts from your mind and staying open. When you meditate, pay attention to the thoughts that come in – don’t judge them. Just notice them and then gently push them away.
2. Read biographies and articles about other people who faced adversity, completed difficult tasks, had hardship in their lives. Sometimes reading about others’ journeys opens your mind to the very different ways people operate, and what they face and deal with in life.
3. Recognize how your filters play out. When you hear yourself use a judgmental term, such as “he’s just lazy”, “she is so full of herself”, cancel it out. Remind yourself that you don’t really know the definition of “lazy.” You don’t know why she acts out with ego. Keep a journal or record on your phone every time you catch yourself. Become aware of how your filters intrude when you probably aren’t even aware of them.
4. Become more curious. Having a spirit of wonderment allows for more objectivity. Instead of reacting to the negativity someone might put upon you, wonder why they have to be so negative in the first place. What might drive their behavior? This isn’t intended as mindreading, but rather a chance to step back and be interested in and detached by something you don’t ordinarily like.
5. Be a lifelong learner. You have a perspective on life and an attitude. In some cases it works great for you, and in others it is backfiring. Stay open. Choose to learn something new. You don’t have to change your mind, just become educated on things as yet unknown to you.

It really is all about you – but it doesn’t have to be. Practice turning your attention from inside and on you to the great big world out there.