Stop Giving Your Power Away to Others

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Don’t like your boss? Poor managers cost organizations around $400 billion in one year. Have a difficult time dealing with your family (or maybe you’ve chosen not to deal with them)? You’re not alone here, either. Tired of fighting with your spouse and ready to divorce? Join the 40-50% of Americans who do this in their first marriage (higher for second marriages).

If you want to read the articles and research that have been written on difficult relationships, you will need to allocate several hours of your time to plow through all of it. There is no lack of people out there – whether family members, workplace associates, neighbors, exes, “friends” or others – who seem intent on making your life miserable. The truth is that many people operate with bad behavior. The reasons for this are many, but include:

• Lack of self-esteem or self-confidence
• Unhappiness with themselves or their lives
• Trauma
• Difficult situations such as financial duress, job loss, health issues etc.
• Jealousy or envy of others
• Difficulty communicating
• Narcissism

When someone exhibits destructive, mean or otherwise uncaring behavior, they are usually acting out from something going on with them, not with you. They may say it is about you – “Oh, you make me SO mad!” – but the reality is that people who manifest these negative behaviors are showing an outward display of inward pain.

However, where does that pain get inflicted? On you! It’s hard when someone is yelling at you, forgetting your birthday, trying to undermine you, being unnecessarily nasty, ignoring you, etc. to remember “That other person is in pain.” Unfortunately, when you don’t remember this, you are giving your power away. Their pain actually becomes your pain. You ruminate. You think about how you will deal with them next time. You fantasize about saying just the right thing to knock them off their game. You buy a voodoo doll and stick pins in it each time you leave them.

Our minds and our attention are drawn to the person’s negative behavior, and we keep our minds focused on what they have done (or not done) to, and for, us. The problem with this is that the other person doesn’t change. Your rumination is not going to change their narcissism. Your attempts to say “just the right thing” won’t shift their unhappiness with themselves (unless perhaps you are a trained therapist). So the cycle continues. They act badly, you react and feel badly, and nothing changes.

Next time you encounter someone’s bad behavior, consider taking back your power. Realize that you can own your reactions and actions, and can actually shift the dynamic and lessen the sting inflicted by the negative person. It takes work and it isn’t easy, but if you are game try these five steps next time you encounter the difficult ones:

1. Seek to understand. This doesn’t mean give the bad behavior a break, and it doesn’t mean get your psychology degree so you can understand their motivations. It simply means asking yourself: “Is there something else at work here?” You typically react to the bad behavior; instead, simply pause to ask what’s underneath the bad behavior. Some negative actions require compassion, which most are loath to give when they have been injured somehow.
2. Do an objective analysis. Instead of ruminating and reacting, take a moment to act like a consultant or a detective and analyze the situation with facts and data: “My boss is a yeller. He seems to like to yell about things. He has asked me to fix something. I am going to fix it.” Then go ahead and fix it! Forget the inner dialogue about what a jerk your boss is, and become clinical and objective.
3. Identify impact. Is your sister just an unhappy, nasty person, but it doesn’t really affect anything in your life? Is your neighbor always pointing out how horrible your lawn looks but then the day goes on without serious impact? There are some things that just don’t matter in the scheme of things. If someone is negative toward you, and it doesn’t really impact you, just let it go. Let them – and their negative behavior – just walk away, and get on with your day.
4. Give up the need to win. Yes, this one is extremely difficult, especially in personal relationships when you know you are “right”. Fighting to win doesn’t actually benefit anyone. It just leaves bad feelings in its wake. If you want to be rewarded for being right, sign up for “Jeopardy” or some other game show. In relationships, “right” usually means hard feelings.
5. Have a mantra or a calming practice you employ. Your father is telling you all the things you’ve done wrong, your ex is regaling you with stories about his wonderful new love, your former co-worker is telling you how great the workplace has become since you left… choose to breathe, and have a saying or little ditty you enjoy. Sing some lines of a song you like in your head while you are listening with only one ear. Go internal in a positive way to block out what might hurt you.

Negative behavior feels like it comes at you. It can seem impenetrable when you are on the receiving end of it. Decide to take your own power back, and be ready the next time someone seems intent on upsetting you somehow. Turn their negative energy into your positive power.