How to Communicate About Sex During Sex

In a recent sex therapy session, the client, a heterosexual couple, asked for some help. They had not had sex in a period of time that felt long for them, and so, while both partners were interested in getting back up on that horse, they both expressed some worries. Worries like: what if it feels awkward (it will and that’s OK and most likely will be short-lived); what if he orgasms sooner than he would like (it’s possible and also OK, so how about prioritizing pleasure over performance); and so many other expectations and hopes and fears.

They also asked for specific guidance on how to give feedback, both positive and negative, to each other. This is not the first time I have been asked this by a client. I file this under “sexual relationship skills” which are necessary for any sexually active adult to know.

First, if something is feeling “positive” or pleasurable, there are a few ways to communicate that. You can use body language: you can press your body into your partner’s, as this usually communicates a “yes that feels good” experience. (Think about how your pet does this when you scratch them in just the right place.) You can also use verbalizations, like “Oooh” and “Aaah” and moans and groans. And you can use your words: “Yes!” “More!”, “Right there!” are great examples.

Now, when we are talking about “negative feedback,” there are usually two different types of experiences needing to be communicated and understood.

The first is a pain sensation, or “Ouch!” If you are feeling physical pain (and I’m not talking that hurts-so-good feeling), I want you to say “Ouch!” because your partner does not live in your body, cannot read your mind, and that stimulation needs to stop. Do not assume your partner has malintent; your default response can be “It was probably a mistake” and they did not mean to elbow you there or get your hair caught under them. In addition, and this is important, the pain sensation has now changed your body’s physiology, and it is possible your nervous system is in some level of fight-or-flight response—and that is the opposite of sexy. So, after you say “Ouch!” and the pain sensation has receded, take a moment together and regroup. Your nervous system needs to come down from that spike. Perhaps together you can hold one another, breathe deeply, and caress each other before you both feel ready to move forward.

The other type of negative feedback I hear clients experience is along the lines of, “This isn’t doing it for me,” or, “This was doing it for me, but now, not so much.” This is a matter of sexual arousal: how your body is increasing in feelings of pleasure, erection, or lubrication. I like to think of this as climbing the mountain to reach the top (usually orgasm). The first statement, “This isn’t doing it for me” is another way of saying, “This is not arousing me.” The second statement, “This was doing it for me, but now, not so much,” says that what was increasing my arousal and pleasure has now plateaued my arousal. There's nothing wrong with that. It happens. As we like to say in sex therapy, in sex, everyone is responsible for their own pleasure. Remember that your partner does not live in your body and cannot always tell what is or is not pleasurable to you. So, in either scenario, you have a few options for how to let your partner know. You can use your words: “Honey, can we do X instead?” or, “I really want to do Y now,” or, “Can you go higher/lower/harder/softer/faster/slower?” Or you can use your body: you can take your partner’s hand in yours and move it. Or you can move/shift your body so that your partner is in contact with the part of your body you want them to touch.

A word about using your words: it is best not to use “Go left” or “go right”—because, depending on your positions, your left is your partner’s right. And having left-right confusion is a thing for some people. So it’s better to say “Go in” or “Go towards my (inner thigh, outer thigh, belly button).”

Finally, if you are the person receiving this feedback, it is important to have some amount of sexual self-esteem and resiliency. Your partner is not criticizing you; your partner is in pursuit of pleasure—just like you are. And how great is it that they feel safe enough and comfortable enough to ask for what they want? You will be a good lover if you listen to their feedback and take it to heart.