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Every week it seems I encounter some harmful message from the culture at large about sex that my clients have internalized. It is these harmful messages that contribute to their sexual dysfunction or their troubled sexual relationships or their outright sexual avoidance. Lately, I have been focusing on the one about who is responsible for what in a sexual encounter and the gendered politics involved in it. Let’s dive in.
Based on what this client was processing, I recently told a male client in his individual therapy session: “Your erection is not your girlfriend’s responsibility.” He then took a deep breath, paused, and bravely admitted that was painful to hear. (Hooray for honesty!)
Several days later, and again based on what we were processing, I told a different female client in her couples therapy session: “Your husband’s erection is not your responsibility.” And she said it felt good to hear and that it took a huge weight off her shoulders. (Her husband nodded in agreement with me on the Zoom screen, btw.)
So what is going on here?
These were two very different clients with two very different relationship situations and dynamics. And regardless of the fact that the first client was a cis male and the second was a cis female, they both had the same gender-based expectation: that when it comes to their heterosexual sex lives, when a man has an erection it is a proclamation, it means sexual activity is imminent, and it means that his female partner must now respond or take action in some way. I always and unequivocally yet kindly call bullsh*t whenever this comes up in sessions. Not because I am a female sex therapist but for other reasons which I will get to in a minute.
Once I call bullsh*t, it gives my female clients permission to enthusiastically say “Yes, thank you!” I repeatedly hear my cis, hetero female clients reject this assumption but struggle to articulate why. And once we dig a little deeper, this is often part of the reason for their so-called “low desire” i.e. sex is on their male partner’s timeline/according to his expectations, are women here to sexually service men, is an erection a call to action, and questioning who benefits. Think of that female client above who said a huge weight had been taken off her shoulders. It’s an important aspect of processing an otherwise healthy straight woman’s “low desire” — is she actually refusing to participate in this outdated and abusive notion about sexual dynamics but does not know how to address it for herself or in her relationship?
Setting aside its origins and all the other obvious problems with it, let me be clear when I say this assumption robs both partners of important growth and skill-building.
“Each partner needs to be responsible for their own pleasure during sex.” This was something I heard when I was first training as a sex therapist. It was and still is a revelation — even a revolution. Many people misconstrue its meaning so let’s break this down and understand why it is so significant.
Oftentimes, sexual issues manifest when one partner is overly concerned with their partner’s experience while neglecting their own experience. “I always want to make sure they have a good time/get off/get theirs/are satisfied.” In that statement there is an implied action of the speaker: that they must contribute, must do something, to help their partner achieve that goal (frequently which the speaker created for their partner, not the partner told them they wanted ironically). While sure, the sentiment is a nice one and it's good to be giving (hat tip to Dan Savage), there is also something in that sentiment they are trying to avoid — and in sex therapy we explore it. For example, if they do not achieve that goal, then I usually hear themes of how they are a bad lover; inconsiderate; less than or not a real man or not a real woman; their partner will perceive them as not a real man or good lover; their partner will perceive them as not a real woman or a good lover. You get the idea.
The conclusion of all this is: The stakes are so high to deliver pleasure! No wonder someone is experiencing sexual difficulties — there are expectations to be met either in the mind of the individual themselves or their partner has communicated their expectations in some way (like an erection is a call to action). And trust me, despite how good you might feel if you meet those expectations, it can still be a precarious attempt. These kinds of expectations are not sexy at all. Because what’s at stake if you do not meet them or “fail”? Your sexual self-esteem, your sense of yourself, and possibly the relationship. Yikes!
What this phrase does not mean is that each partner does their own thing, has a discrete experience independent from their partner. “Each partner is responsible for their own pleasure during sex” means each person needs to do the work to first notice what pleasure feels like in their bodies and, next, needs to identify what is creating that sensation of pleasure. And then during a sexual encounter, if they find that their pleasure is no longer climbing but rather it is plateauing or even decreasing, then they have a choice: Do I keep trying to climb? Am I OK with it plateauing? Am I OK with it decreasing? What do I want in this very moment?
Depending on the answer, if they wish to continue to climb then they need to take responsibility for their pleasure (with self-talk such as “I own this body, I decide what I do with it, it’s my pleasure, and my partner is not a mind reader”) and communicate in some way to their partner, either verbally such as “Ooooh yes more!” or “Hey honey, can we switch positions?” or “Ouch that hurts!” or nonverbally by perhaps moving their partner’s hand or body away to discontinue the non-pleasurable activity and maybe even towards another part of their body where touch will give them more pleasure.
Here’s the thing: By having these unspoken expectations I described, people are attempting to avoid an inevitable vulnerability during sex—that of self-disclosure and communication (both risky things). Sharing your turn-ons, your turn-offs, and being curious about and accepting of your partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs. Vulnerability, risk, acceptance of self and other(s), openness, authenticity. Trust me, these are what’s sexy to most people. Not expectations.
So I find myself saying variations of “each partner is responsible for their own pleasure” regularly. (Maybe I should make it a bumper sticker on my car?) We work to help the client throw out that old, abusive idea and replace it with this one. Then we work to apply that in each client’s unique relationship.
Interestingly, without any prompting, I had yet another female client recently tell me, “I am clear that when I am in the room with an erect penis, that erect penis is not my responsibility.” Yes! Let's all be more like her.
© 2020 Diane Gleim
