Reconciling the New Year and the Presence of Grief

Source: Alex Green / Pexels

For some people, the new year offers a sense of hope. For others, it brings up feelings of grief. The latter experience has been a common theme in my practice—grief that's become more present and amplified as one endures the holidays and anticipates another year ahead.

And this makes sense to me. During the holiday season, the days are shorter and colder, and there are more reminders of our past—our childhood, our family of origin, and how things "were."

We tend to think of grief as a singular experience that occurs immediately after we lose a loved one, but it can show up in other, more nuanced ways. Grief can be delayed, and it can be recurring. We can also grieve relationships, stages of life, goals and expectations, identities, a previously held belief or worldview, and our innocence.

As we inch closer and closer to the new year, you might start noticing yourself becoming more nostalgic and introspective. You might be thinking about the resolutions you made and committed to the year prior. You might recap the year's highlights, challenges, and victories. And, of course, you could be experiencing some level of grief as you reflect on some of your losses.

Here are four things you might be grieving during this time

Connection

It's normal to grieve connection—connection with people you were previously close to or had a special relationship or bond with. The emotional connections we make with others—even some of the more mundane ones—are special and can play a huge part in our identity. So, when we have invested time, energy, and emotion in any of our relationships, losing that connection can be devastating.

You could be grieving a friendship that shifted or changed. While it is common to drift apart from friends during our lifetime, that doesn't mean it's easy or that it doesn't make us sad. Or maybe you're grieving a romantic relationship that ended—one you had high hopes for or had made a serious commitment to.

You may also be grieving your connection to a community, like a neighborhood or workplace. Regardless of the nature or complexity of a relationship, it's normal to grieve connection. Try to practice self-compassion, hold space for these feelings, and remind yourself of the meaningful connections that still exist in your life today.

Sense of safety

The world has been so heavy this year—one catastrophic event after another. Even when we do our best to take a break from the news or reduce our media intake, it's impossible to ignore the pervasive hate, violence, and oppression that exists.

In my practice, many individuals have expressed concern for their safety and the safety of others. This includes the fear of being physically harmed, persecuted, and one's fundamental rights being removed. This feeling of not being safe, while heightened, isn't necessarily novel for some. For others, this lost sense of safety is a newer reality that can be destabilizing.

When you no longer feel safe, it's normal to grieve the time in your life when you could navigate the world more carefree. This type of grief can be especially difficult to reconcile because of the constant reminders and news you are involuntarily inundated with.

To cope with this loss, I encourage you to try and connect with safe people and spaces. Mindfulness is also a great practice to help you connect to the present versus becoming consumed with the future.

Feelings of hope

When reflecting on the past year, many of us become fixated on the hopefulness we had at the start of the year. We reflect on our ambitions, goals, and the optimism that came with that "fresh start" or "blank slate." We think about some of our decisions and choices and what we could have done differently that would have led to different outcomes, often concluding that we could have done "more" or "less." And through this reflection, it's common to grieve those initial feelings of hope.

Grief Essential Reads

When Children Lose a Loved One

What I Learned From a Week Contemplating My Death

If you are grieving previous feelings of hope, you are not alone. If your dreams or expectations were not fulfilled, it's normal to feel discouraged and lose the hope you once had. However, this doesn't mean that you cannot recover and reconnect to this feeling in the future. This grief will ease up over time, and there will be moments in the future that will reinforce hopefulness.

The passage of time

Finally, preparing for a new calendar year makes us keenly aware of the passage of time. I don't know how many conversations I have had with clients and people in my personal life about how quickly the year has passed. It's clear that many of us struggle with this reality and are grieving this time-related loss. When we are grieving the passage of time, we are often grieving special moments with loved ones, life stages, and our youth.

If you are working through this form of grief, chances you might find yourself living in the past or becoming overwhelmed with existential dread. You may also be feeling panicked, angry, or sad. Know that what you are experiencing is normal and how you feel is valid.

However, it's also important that you try to ground yourself in the here and now—to try and be present so that you don't miss out on some of those small but meaningful moments that continue to happen right there in front of you.