Confessing Intrusive Thoughts

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One of my most vivid memories of the disturbing intrusive thoughts inflicted by my OCD is an incident in middle school.

This is not my worst memory of the disorder, not by a long shot, but it’s memorable because, in this case, my usually-internal obsessions actually affected somebody else.

I was having a minor argument with my mother in the kitchen, although I can't remember what about. I can recall with perfect clarity how, as we bickered, I was struck by a sudden, horrifying image of myself physically striking out at my mother.

I immediately went quiet, clutching my brow as if trying to claw shrapnel from a wound. My mother, employing the tone of the still-contiguous argument, asked me what my problem was. So I told her: I imagined myself lashing out at her in anger, and I was afraid that someone would get hurt if we continued to argue.

And how did she respond? Well, how do you think? My mother saw a pissed-off, pockmarked, emotionally off-kilter teenager toying with the possibility of physical violence. She was justified in interpreting this as a threat. (Recognize, my OCD was undiagnosed at the time.)

I failed to communicate that I, her son, was in the same position as she: if she felt threatened by it, I was absolutely terrified. The idea that some suppressed violent urge might come bubbling up and drive me to attack someone against my will was profoundly disturbing.

I told my mother about that image of violence, not to threaten her, but hoping she could tell me that such a violent outburst was ridiculous and impossible. A decade of undiagnosed OCD and useless child therapy prevented us from recognizing what was. In retrospect, it was a laughably straightforward situation: a frightened child asking a parent to protect them from a nightmare.

Why We Keep Disturbing Thoughts Secret

Bruno Bettelheim, in The Uses of Enchantment, illuminates this precise conflict with painful accuracy and insight:

A child cannot consciously accept that his anger may make him speechless, or that he may wish to destroy those on whom he depends for his existence.

To understand this would mean he must accept the fact that his own emotions may so overpower him that he does not have control over them — a very scary thought.

The idea that forces may reside within us which are beyond our control is too threatening to be entertained, and not just by a child.

Usually, OCD sufferers keep disturbing intrusive thoughts to themselves for reasons that should be obvious:

• Horrifying recurring ideas and images torture you.
• Without a correct diagnosis, you do not understand where these thoughts come from or what they mean about you.
• The more you try to ignore or dismiss these thoughts, the more vivid and persistent they become.

Is it any wonder such thoughts are so often kept secret?

Why We Sometimes Confess Intrusive Thoughts

But sometimes, the opposite occurs; sometimes, OCD compels us to actively broach and confess our intrusive thoughts to others. There are several reasons why this happens.

Confession as a religious ritual immediately comes to mind, but John Grayson’s Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder provides additional examples. Sometimes a sufferer may become so afraid of their thoughts that they are driven to seek external confirmation that they aren't in danger:

Behavioral rituals to ward off the feared consequences of violent thoughts may also be a part of your neutralizing repertoire. You may confess your thoughts to others or ask for reassurance that you won’t engage in any violence.

Analyzing and figuring out becomes reassurance seeking from family members and authority figures as you try to determine whether a thought or behavior was wrong… Being perfectly honest may require confessions to religious authorities or to everyone close to you, so that they will know the 'truth' of your thoughts.

OCD sufferers may recruit family members, religious leaders, and even psychotherapists to receive confessions and provide reassurance.

Other times, as in this memory of the argument with my mother, we feel morally obligated to warn friends and loved ones of a possible threat. As an example, Grayson describes the intrusive thoughts that some sufferers experience during romantic relationships, suggesting that they may suddenly abandon or cheat on their significant other.

OCD Essential Reads

Is Relationship OCD Real?

Germaphobia: An Infected Mind

Don’t they have a right to know that you might not love them? That someday you might hurt them by leaving? Shouldn’t you confess your feelings and doubts so that they can be prepared? [S]ufferers frequently tell me that they are constantly confessing to their partners in an effort to be honest…

Avoiding the Cycle of Ritual Confession

Without the context of OCD, these confessions seem reasonable. If you're bothered by a seemingly strange or perverse thought, shouldn't you check with people you trust to see if it's normal? If you're afraid of doing something hurtful or dangerous, shouldn't you warn the people you might hurt—especially if they’re people you care about?

Well, sure. But OCD sufferers must recognize the vast gulf between legitimately dangerous thoughts and the constant, torturous soul-searching of OCD. This distinction is the key that can permit sufferers to properly contextualize their intrusive thoughts and escape the cycle of ritual confession.

You may also be interested in my columns, How to Stop Compulsively Confessing Intrusive Thoughts and The Obsessive Struggle with Intrusive Thoughts in OCD

Copyright Fletcher Wortmann, 2022