Why Couples Have the Same Old Fight

Arguments, fights, disagreements, and disappointments are common in relationships. This is not the problem. The problem comes when we don’t know how to handle these challenges.

There are all kinds of things we fight about, from who loads the dishwasher the “wrong” way to issues of betrayal and distrust. We think that it is only the big issues that get us to fighting in ways that could potentially destroy the relationship but that is not true. Even the smallest issues can escalate into a really big fight.

Why is that? Well, there are lots of reasons, but here we will explore the one that has the most power over us. That is our unresolved issues from the past. The "past" could mean the distant past, as in childhood, or the more recent past, as in another previous relationship in which you were treated badly or someone cheated.

When we start a new relationship, we are often very hopeful that this person is “the one.” This is the person of our dreams. Even if we are pretty well grounded and not full of fantasies about how a relationship should work, we still have certain expectations in the beginning. Some of these may have been discussed openly before the relationship became a commitment. Others may have either been kept secret because they might be embarrassing, or we simply are unconscious of these expectations.

When a partner breaks an agreement, it is a betrayal and is likely to cause arguments, battles, and even breakups. Even when the partners are both committed to these plans, arguments can ensue over even the smallest things that come from unconscious expectations, which might also be called unconscious fantasies. These often spring from, as we said above, unresolved issues.

For example, research has shown that childhood emotional maltreatment can result in a reduced quality of relationships.[i] This, of course, does not mean that people who received emotional maltreatment—even up to physical or sexual abuse—can not ever have a healthy romantic relationship.

But it does mean that consciousness must be raised regarding emotional triggers and personal responsibility for those triggers. This is where unconscious expectations come into play.

Traversing the Inner Terrain

Source: Andrea Mathews

For example, if I have an unconscious expectation that my partner is going to be able to heal my traumatic wounds, then anything my partner does that seems to not meet that unconscious expectation can cause trouble in the relationship. The problem is that since it is unconscious, I am not likely to take responsibility for it or for its manifestations in my interactions with my partner. Hence, the fight. This same fight is likely to occur over and over again (seemingly over other issues), with neither party knowing what is going on, how they got so angry, or what to do about it.

The quality of the relationship improves to the degree that each partner takes responsibility for these unconscious expectations. This may mean that each partner will go to individual therapy, which may be accompanied by couple’s therapy.

Both parties then can increase their ability to take responsibility for these unconscious expectations by becoming conscious of them. Ultimately, most of these will turn out to be fantasies, in that they are unrealistic. It is impossible, for example, for one’s partner to heal the old wounds from childhood emotional maltreatment. However, if both parties can become aware of each party’s emotional wounds and can recognize them and tell the other party about them when they come up, compassion[ii] and the desire to reconnect can take hold in the midst of a fight.

Each time this happens, both parties begin to feel safer in the relationship and can then feel safe revealing more as time goes on. Therefore, healing does take place, but not because the other party fixed it, but because both parties team up on a decision to honor the baggage each person brings into the relationship.

I want to be careful here to insert that none of this excuses further maltreatment. Nor does it mean that a party in a relationship should be pitied and coddled. Further, it does not mean that parties in a relationship should get into one-upmanship regarding the severity of previous maltreatment. Maltreatment is maltreatment and there is no comparison between suffering and suffering. Each party’s personal responsibility for that party’s “stuff” is required for this to work.

Relationships Essential Reads

How to Fight Without Fighting

Strategies to Cultivate the Relationships You Want

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