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How many times have we heard a parent describing his child’s behavior as “out of control?” When we hear that, we get the idea that the child is not only unruly but so unruly that authority figures cannot control her. But we also get the idea that the child cannot control herself.
We hear this same descriptor regarding adult behavior—that someone was just “out of control.” We sometimes use it to describe our own behavior—“I was just out of control.” When we say it about ourselves or about other adults, we don’t generally mean that authorities can’t control us, because unless the police have been called, there are no authorities trying to control us. What we mean when we say it about adults is that the adult has lost his power to control his own actions.
But this is a myth. Yes, I know, this is hard to hear. We don’t want to know that we are actually always choosing our behavior—but we are. Perhaps we are not choosing it consciously. But we are choosing it. If there is too much repressed material sitting around in the unconscious waiting for an opportunity to put its energy to use, then we can be overcome by unconscious compulsions, actions or reactions. But two things are happening in order to allow this:
1) We have previously chosen to repress and repress and repress until the unconscious is on overload, and
2) Some door in the conscious mind, at the subliminal level, has chosen to open and allow that repressed material out into the conscious sphere of action.
Ergo, we are in control, just not always conscious control.
In order to eliminate the possibility of future episodes of unconscious expulsion, we will need to do two things:
1) We will need to stop repressing material that will later erupt.
2) We will need to come to understand the function of the subliminal door that allows the unconscious to suddenly empty itself on the external world.
There are some pretty tall orders there, but they can be accomplished when we commit ourselves to the tasks at hand. So let’s very briefly consider this long-term process.
In order to stop repressing material, we must come to understand what and why we are repressing. So, for example, people often feel “out of control” when they allow anger to sit and fester in the unconscious for too long until it finally explodes. One day someone drops the proverbial straw and boom—we are “out of control.” We will need, in this case, to come to understand why we are repressing that anger in the first place. For most people repression of anger has to do with fear of displeasing others. And fear of displeasing others often comes down to a fear that they will dislike, stop loving or abandon us. So, we just don’t want to get angry. Some people repress anger because they were violently punished for being angry as children. There are other reasons why we repress but we willl have to come to know this reason. But what happens when we repress is that when we become even slightly aware of anger within us the conscious mind just says, “Nope, not today.” That’s the first choice.
The second choice is that which keeps the material repressed. It says, “Nope, not today” each time we consider the feeling that is rolling around inside of us, or consider talking to someone about the issue. The third choice is that subliminal door, that suddenly decides to open and say, “Today’s the day.”
What is that trigger that opens the door? If we can sit with what goes on within us asking that question long enough, we might eventually get an answer something like this: “I couldn’t hold it in anymore.” “This time I cared more about my anger than I did about the possibility of upsetting someone or losing them.” Or, "This time I decided to take care of myself, instead of caving to my fear of anger."
And what we come to, if we are doing the internal research is that anger is simply a message, which when listened to, becomes a form of self-love and self-care. It says, “I’m here, I matter, and I’m real.” When we repress that anger we are basically saying, “I’m not really here, I don’t really matter, and I’m not real.” So, allowing the anger to be known to us (i.e., not repressed) means listening to its message, which only wishes for us to solve a problem or come to acceptance about something.
So, are we really out of control? Or is it true that the psyche is really making choices all along? You get to choose.
