The Phases of a Narcissistic Relationship

Relationships with individuals who exhibit narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) present a series of dynamics that can be complex and challenging to navigate and often leave lasting emotional scars that go from emotional pain to lasting trauma. Through observations gleaned from working and interacting with many couples, I have identified a series of phases that characterize the narcissist's approach to relationships. These stages reveal a pattern of manipulation, emotional control, and eventual emotional and physical abandonment that can deeply affect their partners. Understanding these phases can help in recognizing the dynamics at play and, for those who find themselves entangled in such relationships, in navigating their path toward recovering themselves after having been under the influence and strongly bonded to someone who didn’t care about them.

Source: Antonieta Contreras

• Observing: The narcissist initiates this phase by meticulously studying their target's behavior, routines, interests, and weaknesses. They aim to gather valuable information that will allow them to navigate the situation effectively. The narcissist subtly showcases their charisma and magnetism without direct engagement, piquing the target's interest and enticing them into the relationship. For them, choosing the right partner is extremely important.
• Approaching: In this stage, the narcissist makes contact with the target and begins love-bombing, inundating them with excessive affection, attention, and flattery combined with periods of indifference. The euphoric feeling generated by this tactic renders the target vulnerable and more susceptible to the narcissist's charms. At some point, the narcissist appears deeply invested in the relationship, accelerating its intensity, and fostering a false sense of strong, almost indestructible bonding.
• Glamorizing: Here, the narcissist carefully crafts an idealized persona, highlighting their accomplishments, connections, and material possessions to captivate and charm their target. They generate an aura of success and desirability, ensuring their target perceives them as exceptional and worthy of admiration. The narcissist aims to charm and impress their target, making them feel special and privileged to be in their company. During this phase, they create a strong emotional bond by portraying themselves as the perfect partners and even mirroring the target's interests. The narcissist may adapt their personality to mirror the target's values, fortifying the emotional bond, and consolidating the target's trust in the relationship.
• Needing: Arguably the most protracted and emotionally draining phase, the narcissist capitalizes on the target's compassion and empathy by emphasizing their vulnerability or neediness, and the trust they built. They engineer drama and crises to preserve emotional control and dependency. As the target prioritizes the narcissist's needs and neglects their own, the erosion of their self-esteem and personal boundaries may become increasingly evident for the narcissist and others but not to the partner, who may have developed a trauma bond by this point.
• Discarding: Contrary to popular belief, the discarding phase isn't always sudden. This phase can unfold gradually and be painfully long. The narcissist may be planning their exit strategy but still requires the relationship for various reasons they will keep hiden. They start the process of withdrawal, depriving the target of the most fundamental emotional intimacy and support. This phase is filled with gaslighting, accusations, devaluation, and abuse, and a lack of commitment, loyalty, or accountability. The partner is left to their own devices but may remain under the illusion created by the narcissist that it’s their fault and that they deserve “punishment.” It can become particularly hard for the partner if they become aware of what narcissism entails, as this awareness can pose a threat to the narcissist. Learning about narcissistic abuse is often the beginning of the partner's fall from grace and the end of the bond.
• Leaving: This phase is often overlooked but is critical in understanding the narcissist's motivations. As the narcissist prepares to end the relationship and orchestrates their departure, they may make a last attempt to regain control and preserve their self-image. They may offer apologies, express remorse, or manipulate the target into believing they possess redeeming qualities to absolve themselves of any guilt and secure their reputation. Regardless of the partner's response, the narcissist ultimately constructs a narrative that portrays them as the victim. They will express resentment toward their former partner, bad-mouthing them to others and making public false accusations. They may claim their partner made their life difficult or took away something that belonged to them, such as children, assets, or social status. There are some couple that cohabitate for a while and pretend to be married, but once the narcissist "leaves," even if still living in the same house, the marriage is over.

Because I specialize in trauma, I can’t conclude without addressing the trauma associated with being in a relationship with a narcissist. Typically, the partner is chosen for their positive attributes, which the narcissist seeks to exploit. Feeling seen and appreciated drives the target to lower their guard and develop trust in their partner. This makes them easy prey for manipulative techniques like gaslighting because of the trust and the highly probable trauma bond developed in the name of love. That’s why the discarding and leaving phases are so damaging. A slow discarding can keep the partner in a state of uncertainty, activating their stress responses and altering the functioning of their nervous system day after day.

This gradual, sustained emotional rollercoaster is often referred to as complex trauma, or the slow traumatization of the person, where the struggle for survival is fraught with challenges such as self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness, shame, confusion, fear, and instability. As the narcissist chips away at the very qualities that initially drew them to their partner, the targeted individual may experience a decline in self-esteem and a sense of debilitation. This erosion of personal identity can leave the partner feeling disoriented, helpless, and questioning their resilience in the face of ongoing emotional abuse.

Once you recognize these red flags and when you understand the narcissist's true intentions beneath their actions, you can begin the process of healing, rebuilding your damaged sense of self, and recovering yourself and your potential.

By identifying these phases, you can take steps to protect your emotional well-being and set boundaries to prevent further harm.

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