Verified by 
Relationships
5 Mindsets That Can Ruin a Relationship
Avoid these common thinking traps that can come between you and your partner.
Posted June 11, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Unhelpful thinking patterns are often not apparent.
- Common unchecked assumptions set you up for disappointment and resentment.
- Relationships are more satisfying when they're based on healthy beliefs.
Your assumptions play an outsized role in determining the health and longevity of your romantic relationship. Helpful beliefs foster realistic expectations; unhelpful beliefs set you up for disappointment and dissatisfaction.
The beliefs you bring to relationships will affect both how you feel about your partner and how you act; those feelings and actions, in turn, will affect your thoughts (see the Feelings/Thoughts/Behaviors triangle figure).
To take a simple example, someone who assumes they should listen to their partner's needs will tend to feel open to hearing about their struggles and likely will do things to try to make their life easier.
On the other hand, if a person assumes their partner should keep their needs to themselves, then they'll surely feel and act differently when their partner is having a tough time.
Assumptions that harm relationships are often subtle and might even seem like healthy beliefs. Who doesn't want to make their partner happy, for example, or feel in love? But closer inspection reveals that certain assumptions aren't doing you any favors.
Here are five common mindsets that can harm relationships, as well as five more-helpful alternatives.
1. I have to make my partner happy.
The things you do affect how your partner feels, just as their actions affect your feelings. It's easy to assume, then, that your partner's happiness is in your hands. When they're unhappy, you might think it's up to you to lift their mood.
If they're in a bad mood when you get home, for example, you might take it upon yourself to cheer them up. But, as you'll find, you don't have ultimate control over your partner's emotions. You can offer them empathy, compassion, attention, presence, and support, and yet they might still be unhappy.
Believing you're responsible for their happiness puts a ton of pressure on you, and can lead to resentment when your actions don't have the effect you want. It can also lead you to do things that irritate your partner instead of making them feel better, such as constantly checking in on their feelings.
More helpful alternative: I can love my partner, but I'm not responsible for their emotions.
2. My partner should make me feel good about myself.
Just as you might think you're responsible for your partner's feelings, you may assume they're responsible for your self-esteem. This assumption is usually not a problem early in the relationship, when you get a little boost every time they look at you with their adoring eyes.
But eventually you'll find that your partner no longer provides the shot of self-esteem you're looking for. You might even find that the relationship makes you question your value, such as when your partner turns you down when you try to initiate sex or doesn't respond to your needs the way you want them to.
Your self-esteem can't be outsourced to your partner. Their feelings and actions are not a reliable source of positive feelings about yourself. If you're not sure you're a worthwhile human being, they won't be able to convince you.
More helpful alternative: Only I am responsible for how I feel about myself.
3. We should always feel "in love."
Many people use "in love" feelings as a litmus test of whether their relationship is a good one. If you have this assumption, you might check to see if your partner still makes you swoon, or if you always crave time with them. You might also be closely attuned to your partner's feelings toward you, looking for signs that they're truly in love with you.
However, the in-love feeling tends to fade over time, even in strong, enduring relationships. Love that lasts is not about feeling butterflies whenever you're together or feeling a surge of attraction every time you look at them. It's a commitment to care about the other person's well-being, even when the initial rush of romance has passed.
More helpful alternative: Feelings will change over the course of our relationship.
4. Our relationship should be easy.
Long-term relationships are a lot of work. It takes time and effort to build a strong and lasting bond with another person. Your relationship will almost certainly require you to grow in ways that aren't entirely comfortable, such as learning how to deal with your own anger or releasing the fantasy that your partner will be your savior.
A healthy relationship doesn't always feel bad, but it probably won't always feel good, either. Working through the difficult times is a necessary investment in the shared life of a couple.
More helpful alternative: It takes time and work to maintain a good relationship.
5. We can't let our relationship change.
Many of the assumptions above have an underlying belief: We must make sure that our relationship doesn't change. It's understandable that we want to hold onto the magic that we experience at the outset.
However, relationships (like individuals) inevitably change over time. The initial exciting phase is like a baby—great for what it is, and not the ultimate measure of what it will be. Growth is painful yet necessary for anything that lives, including a relationship.
It can feel scary to let go of what your relationship was as you and your partner grow, but it's the only way to discover the full possibility that awaits you as a couple.
More helpful alternative: Our relationship will continually grow and evolve.
These assumptions don't exist in isolation but, instead, tend to interact with one another. For example, if you believe that relationships should be easy and that you have to make your partner happy, you'll probably feel angry that you're working so hard to please them and they're still not happy.
It can be helpful to speak with a therapist about your relationship assumptions, whether individually or as a couple. Psychology Today offers a directory that can help you find a therapist near you.
Facebook image: Motortion Films/Shutterstock
