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If you’ve spent time with a loved one as they approached the end of this life, you know what a painful time it can be. It’s hard to prepare for our final goodbye, and hard to imagine a world without them.
It can also be a confusing time as the person’s communication changes. An individual who was always articulate might seem to be saying nonsense, or stop speaking altogether. And yet if we listen closely, we might discover that more is being said than we realize.
That’s what I learned from Lisa Smartt, founder of the Final Words Project. Smartt shares her insights from collecting the words of the dying in her recent book, Words at the Threshold: What We Say As We’re Nearing Death.
“The language at the threshold is very rich,” Smartt said, “almost like dream language.” She was drawn to this line of investigation after witnessing changes in her father’s speech during his last three weeks of life.
“He began to speak of angels,” she told me, even though he had never espoused religious beliefs. “I had a sense that there was something beneath what sounded like crazy words. I was of course filled with grief that someone I loved very much and who had been very lucid suddenly seemed to be speaking nonsense. But the linguist in me thought, Let me write down everything he says and track what’s going on.”
I recently spoke with Smartt on the Think Act Be podcast where she described what we can look for as we sit with a loved one who is dying.
A Big Announcement
Those who are nearing death often announce that a big event is coming. For Smartt’s dad, it was an art exhibition, even though there was no such event on the horizon. This pronouncement marked the beginning of the active dying process for her father, who had developed a very severe infection.
Smartt’s research showed that such declarations are very common. “Sometimes people will announce, ‘Tonight I am going to go to the big party.’ Or a person might say, 'Get me my pearls for the dance.’”
These statements can be puzzling to loved ones, who might interpret them as nothing more than delirium or delusions, or side effects of sedating medication. “The loved one might say, ‘What are you talking about?’” said Smartt. “‘You’re in the hospital.’ But really what the person is saying is that some big event is coming that they’re getting ready for.”
Metaphors
It’s also common for a person who is dying to speak in metaphors, which again can be bewildering for a listener. For example, a person might describe how the train tracks are being prepared “so they can take the train to their next destination.” Smartt advised that we trust ourselves to “hear what’s underneath the words when they may not always make sense, and to allow ourselves to feel and respond to that.”
Travel metaphors in particular are common, whether it’s by car, train, plane, or boat. “People often start talking about a trip,” said Smartt, “or that they need their passport.” While it might sound nonsensical, “upon reflection it might be a metaphor for something real”—preparing for the journey from this realm to the next.
Seeing Deceased Loved Ones
“It’s very common as people are really close to death that they starting talking about takeaway figures,” Smartt said—"brothers, sisters, friends, sometimes angels, who are there at their bedside to take them to the other side and to help them.”
When a person starts “having conversations with the deceased or saying they see the deceased at their bedside,” it’s often a sign that the end of life is drawing near.
Terminal Lucidity
You’ve probably heard reports or seen firsthand how a person who’s dying might appear to make a dramatic recovery. They may have been close to death’s door and then one day are able to sit up and speak clearly. These sudden rebounds might be a sign of a miraculous recovery, but often are another indication that the end is getting close.
“A common sign that a person is passing on is a flash of lucidity,” said Smartt, “where you think your loved one suddenly is well again.” Her own father experienced terminal lucidity shortly before he died. “He asked me to cook him his favorite pot roast and pineapple upside down cake,” Smartt said. “This was a man who wasn’t drinking or eating. And he started chattering on about getting my daughter guitar lessons and so forth.” He died a couple of days later.
Predictions
Our loved one might also give us more direct clues about when the end is getting close. For example, Smartt’s father announced three days before he died, “The angels say, Enough, enough—three days left.”
The predictions may be more or less clear depending on the language used and our ability to hear what’s being said. When we have a written record of our dying loved one’s words, we can return to them later and review what was said—often allowing us to discover predictions and other profound messages (more on this later).
An additional theme that emerges from the Final Words Project is that a person can communicate even if they can’t speak. “Communication works on so many different levels,” said Smartt, “and there are a lot of ways that people speak nonverbally as they’re dying. We’re used to literal language, but language is a lot more than what’s literal.”
Just as we would engage with a child’s efforts to communicate before they’re able to talk, Smartt says that “we can engage with any language” from a dying loved one. “We can match it and trust it, and enter into it.”
Days before we spoke, Smartt had lost her beloved uncle. She described the nonverbal communication that she and her aunt understood from her uncle in his final days, even when he was on life support, heavily sedated, and unable to speak.
“He was pretty unresponsive,” Smartt told me. “But my aunt and I together were able to decode some of the very subtle movements of his hands and his jaw, and that was how he communicated to us.”
Even when no language was present, Smartt found that “the door was still open for very powerful and tender ways of saying good-bye to someone we loved—and still love.” This kind of communication just requires that we “be open to the possibility” that more is being said than we think.
Collect Words “Like Jewels”
Smartt strongly encourages us to record the words of loved ones as they approach the end, for many reasons. One is simply that collecting the words allows us to keep them with us and return to them later. “Writing them down helps us freeze them in time,” she said, “Often upon reflection we find certain kinds of metaphors or other constructions, and later on a light bulb goes on—even if it wasn’t clear when it was spoken. Looking back at what people said to us, there are often words of advice or ‘jewels’ that become really meaningful to us.”
The process itself of writing down the words can also deepen our connection with the person we love and are parting with. Smartt described feeling like she was “entering his consciousness” when she wrote down the things her dying father was saying.
“So much can be communicated, and so much love can be expressed in those last days,” Smartt said. “Death can be ugly and scary, of course, but there’s also the opportunity for a kind of connection and knowing that may not be part of our ordinary days.”
We might also discover “sustained narratives,” as Smartt calls them—themes that are consistent across the days or weeks before a person’s death. Having a written record makes it easier to identify these themes, especially at a time when we’re probably feeling taxed mentally, emotionally, and physically.
If your loved one has already passed on and you didn’t record their final words, take heart. There are many indications that our loved ones continue to communicate with us even after death—for example, through dreams or synchronicities. “I invite people to listen as closely as they can,” said Smartt, "and sometimes that listening is as much from the heart as it is from the ear.”
The full conversation with Lisa Smartt is available here.
References
Smartt, L. (2019). Words at the threshold: What we say as we're nearing death. Novata, CA: New World Library
