What I Miss About Drinking (It's Not the Alcohol)

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I took my last sip of alcohol on Christmas Eve 2016. No one who knows me would have called me an alcoholic, but I'd known for a long time that my relationship with alcohol was not a healthy one. I kept trying to find ways to make it work by setting rules about when and how much I drank—only on Fridays, never more than three drinks—but it was still a bad relationship.

Clearly, I'm not alone in my abstinence—the most recent survey found that nearly 30% of adults in the US were alcohol-free in the past year. Initially, I stopped drinking to help with a health issue I was dealing with.

It turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I began to see the benefits of abstinence that weren't apparent when I was still drinking, and the freedom I found as I no longer had to think about whether and how much I would drink.

And yet, I've realized over the past couple of years that I'm missing out on some aspects of consuming alcohol. These include:

• Lingering over a meal. Having one more beer or splitting the rest of a bottle of wine makes it easy to extend mealtime while enjoying others' company. The relaxing effects of alcohol also play a role.
• Quick stress reduction. Speaking of relaxing, alcohol affects the same neurotransmitter system (GABA) as benzodiazepines like alprazolam (Xanax), so it has a direct effect on quieting the nervous system. After a long and stressful day, having a drink or two is like a "quick release valve" for feeling more relaxed. This benefit is offset, of course, by the anxiety rebound when the alcohol wears off, but it's enjoyable while it lasts.
• Letting go of worries. For related reasons, alcohol makes it easier to let go of chronic worries. My anxious preoccupations about work or things at home would dissolve after a couple of drinks.
• Bonding with others. People often connect over alcohol, like when I would compare notes on wines or beers with my brothers, or enjoy a sense of camaraderie with beers by the grill. And many social events are based around food, like the common invitation to "grab a beer and catch up." Alcohol also used to be a common gift that I would give or receive.
• Loosening inhibitions. If you tend to be socially inhibited, alcohol can facilitate letting down your guard. A fellow student in graduate school once remarked on the stark contrast between my personality in an academic setting vs. at parties—which I'm sure had a lot to do with the alcohol.
• Pairing with food. Different beers, wines, or liquor can complement certain foods. I always enjoyed picking out a bottle of wine based on the dinner I'd be making that night or having an occasional wine flight with a prix fixe dinner.
• Novelty. It's fun to explore new things, like visiting one of our local beer shops and talking with the vendor about varieties I hadn't tried before. The pretty bottles and labels added to the aesthetic experience.
• Connection with other times and places. Many kinds of alcohol are associated with a place: bourbon from Kentucky (where my grandparents lived), Scotch from the land of my ancestors, Riesling from Alsace where my wife and I met... Others are connected to a particular time, like the pinot noir at my friend's wedding and the gin and tonics we used to drink with a friend.

I am not advocating drinking alcohol in order to have these positive things. Indeed, I choose to keep abstaining even though I recognize what I could be missing out on.

That's because I don't miss the feeling of regret as I woke up with a hangover, the anxiety and general malaise after a night of heavy drinking, the expense, the poor sleep, the haze of inebriation between me and the people I love. I've never once woken up wishing I'd had more to drink the night before. For those who were heavier drinkers there are even more reasons to be grateful for their freedom, given the serious health issues, work disruptions, broken relationships, and other major problems that often go along with overconsumption of alcohol.

And while alcohol facilitates the benefits I described above, none of them requires it. The advantage of acknowledging the good things that come with drinking is that it makes it easier to find those benefits in other ways.

For example, there are non-substance-related ways of managing anxiety that don't trigger a rebound, like cognitive behavioral and mindfulness-based techniques. And obviously people find ways to bond that don't involve alcohol—it might just take a little more thought or planning at times.

The choice to drink is a personal one (assuming it's not affecting others), and I'm not out to convince everyone to follow my lead. There seem to be people who can enjoy alcohol in moderation, without the downsides that I routinely experienced.

If you've been on the fence about quitting drinking, consider what you're afraid of giving up. Are there other ways to get those things that have fewer downsides? What are the costs of drinking that you'd be happy to say goodbye to?

Always consult with your doctor about issues related to substance use. It is dangerous to abruptly stop drinking if you drink heavily.