8 Ways to Deal With Online Dating Fatigue

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Full disclosure: If it were not for online dating, I wouldn’t be sitting here, in my daughter’s bedroom, writing this post, as she sleeps, because she wouldn’t exist. I’m pretty sure about that.

Thirteen years ago, I was single and living in Chicago. Much like a Kmart blue-light special, stacked in the end-of-season sales aisle, my product was not moving. Not moving, as in, I was a great catch (according to me) but I had no traction in the area of dating and romantic relationships.

What’s a girl to do?

I went online looking for love.

Evidently, it was a great idea, then and now.

Online dating is officially mainstream: According to Pew Research, it's more common among younger adults than among older people. About half of those under 30 (53 percent) report having used a dating site or app, compared with 37 percent of those ages 30 to 49, 20 percent of those 50 to 64, and 13 percent of those 65 and older. One in 10 partnered adults met their significant other online.

These findings are not surprising because online dating offers a robust, target-rich environment to those looking for a relationship. As a therapist and advocate of online dating, I have enthusiastically encouraged several clients to give it a try over the years. Many have gone on to find love and create families.

But while online dating offers an unmatched level of efficiency and abundant opportunities to find love, there are drawbacks, the primary one being online dating fatigue.

Online dating fatigue is the emotional exhaustion that results from navigating the psychological highs and lows of meeting people to form a relationship with (that begins online). Among many other facets, online daters must navigate issues around rejection, negotiating the right time to meet, moods that vacillate between euphoria and disappointment, being ghosted, managing multiple dating relationships, and more.

It can all be very tiring.

I vividly recall talking to a man via text messages and some phone conversations for a few weeks. I really liked him and was excited to meet him at a local piano bar. The evening of the planned date had finally arrived. I showed up at the piano bar and he never did.

We had spoken less than an hour before I walked out of my apartment. I was blown away by the audaciousness of the rude gesture. I thought to myself that it would have taken less than a minute to text or call. Who does that? Human beings do that to one another. That’s who.

I knew I needed to deal with the ugly realities of online dating if I planned to renew my monthly subscriptions (I highly recommend paying for two or more) and continue my hunt for love. Instead of continuing to sit in my anger, I created a few personal guidelines to help me cope with my own online dating fatigue. I hope the suggestions will help you.

1. Get on a virtual call and meet in person within two weeks. There is no reason to delay meeting a possible match. Make the best use of your valuable time and schedule an opportunity to chat virtually or meet for coffee. This will give you an opportunity to gauge levels of interest and chemistry sooner than later. If a person is not willing to make time to do this, move on. He or she is likely playing games or too busy to be dating. In either case, the delay is a bad sign.

2. When online dating fatigue hits you, remain on the platform—passively. This is my top tip. You can expect to deal with bouts of online dating fatigue if you’re serious about finding the right person for you, but it’s a mistake to allow that fatigue to drive you away from a platform that could help you meet that special person.

I recommend remaining on the platform passively. This means you simply leave your profile up and in place and keep an eye on who messages you. When I took a "passive" break from online dating, I did not reach out to any potential prospects. Instead, every Sunday I checked my inbox to see who messaged me. To my delight, one Sunday my future husband sent me a message. So, again, stay on the platform, passively.

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3. Create a safety and standards checklist. There are so many kinds of people you can meet online. The sheer volume can be overwhelming. It’s vital that you are clear about what and who you are looking for. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What are my standards?
• What do I need to do to feel safe while I’m dating online?
• What adjustments do I need to make to feel positive and secure in this process?

Take some time to write down and review what you wrote.

4. If it does not pass the smell test, it stinks (walk away). Trust your gut. If what is being said does not match the reality of the situation or you simply have a funny feeling about someone, acknowledge it. By all means, do not gaslight yourself and make excuses for people or circumstances that make you uncomfortable.

5. Purchase a few subscriptions. The choice of which platform you will use to meet people online is yours. When I was dating online, I found it helpful to manage a few subscriptions at once. It provided an additional avenue to meet a quality match and it seemed when things were moving slowly on one subscription, messaging picked up on the other. This felt positive.

6. Create a mantra to deal with rejection. Coping with rejection can be a challenging aspect of online dating. I created two mantras that helped me power past the sting of rejection, which is an inevitable part of life and online dating. Until true release made its way into my soul after dealing with a rejection, I would simply repeat the following words over and over again: "Thank you for returning my time to me. Man’s rejection is God’s protection."

Remember, we don’t respond to what is happening; we respond to what we tell ourselves is happening. By creating an elevating message about rejection, you will experience it differently.

7. Explore other options. Online dating fatigue can set in when you focus on it too intensely. Don’t forget to explore other options for meeting people such as meet-ups, social gatherings, speed dating, etc.

8. Have a self-care plan and work it. Keep your mind, body, spirit, and soul in balance by creating a self-care plan and honoring it. I started the healthy habit of biking when I was dating online. It brought me a lot of peace and I enjoy it to this very day. Journaling, meditation, and walking can also be effective tools to incorporate into a self-care plan.

At the end of the day, online dating is a fabulous option for finding love. By putting some simple self-care strategies in place, you’ll find that the occasional bouts of fatigue are worth it.