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Key points
- Accepting one’s own part in escalating a situation, even if it’s small, helps one regain power.
- Setting boundaries emphasizes the importance of mutual respect and helps make a relationship flourish.
- It’s not necessary to internalize someone else's anger or assume their claims are objectively true.
This is part one of a three-part series in which I offer strategies for relating effectively with an angry partner.
Your partner explodes in anger, makes threats, and blames you for what's gone wrong. After the fight, they feel bad, regret what they said, and act nice. Then they hold back—and the cycle continues. Does this sound familiar?
Dealing with an angry partner is stressful. It undermines your well-being and the quality of your partnership. However, if you have the right mindset and wisdom to act skillfully, you may be able to stabilize your relationship and even improve it. Being with someone who has angry outbursts can keep you on edge, perpetually walking on eggshells, wondering how to avoid triggering your partner. It is not your responsibility to keep your partner from getting angry. Their emotions and behaviors are out of your control. That said, if one person changes, the dynamics in the relationship change too. This means you do have influence over the situation, through your own actions.
With that in mind, let’s explore what you can do to make your relationship more peaceful.
Understand Your Own Triggers
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You can take charge of your role in the relationship by understanding what triggers your own anger. Do you become defensive when your partner says something you interpret as critical?
When you accept that you play a part—even a small one—in escalating a situation, you regain power. The more aware you become, the less reactive you will be, and the more freedom you’ll have to act constructively. The result is a greater feeling of well-being and less stress in the relationship. Modeling the choice to take responsibility may also encourage your partner to do the same.
Separate the Person From the Behavior
Anger often arises when one person in a relationship tells the other that their actions had a negative effect on them. The partner who feels they’ve been harmed is already angry, and the other partner may become defensive, leading to further escalation.
There is a big difference between criticizing your partner as a person and criticizing their behavior. When you keep your focus on your partner’s actions, you can address the behavior in question while at the same time demonstrating respect for your partner. In turn, your partner will be less defensive and will be encouraged to do the same.
Don’t Take It Personally
Your partner’s anger is never about you; it is always about them. Angry people tend to blame others for their anger. I know it is difficult to face your partner’s aggression, but you can take comfort in knowing that your partner’s behavior is not personal, even when it seems to be. Behind anger, there is always an unmet need for safety, integrity, love, or freedom.
This does not mean that you should allow inappropriate behavior. It just means that you don’t have to internalize their attitude or assume that what they are saying about you is objectively true.
Establish Boundaries
When you are dealing with an angry partner, it is very important to establish firm boundaries. This means setting standards for acceptable behavior: defining what is okay and when the other person has crossed a line, disrespected you, put you down, or taken advantage of you. Boundaries emphasize the importance of mutual respect in making a relationship flourish.
Don’t tolerate abuse. If you do, you will damage your self-worth. By allowing destruction, you let your angry partner believe that it is okay. It’s not, and it’s up to you to make that clear. If you feel you have done your best to address the problem and your partner’s behavior hasn’t changed, seriously consider leaving the relationship.
Address the Challenge When You Are Both Calm
Anger begets anger, and calm promotes calm. There is little point in raising a difficult issue when anger or other intense emotions dominate. When your partner’s emotional state is highly charged, their thinking may be impaired. Allow time for the negative energy to settle, so you both will be more open to listening and understanding.
When the two of you are calm and collected, express your feelings and needs without blame. This is the time to address the issue that led to your partner’s angry behavior and talk about how you both feel. Talk about the anger itself. Let your partner know that you care about them, and at the same time clarify that angry behavior is serious and must be addressed.
Seek Counseling
Dealing with anger and aggression in a relationship is not easy. Professional guidance can be a great help. Couples counseling can provide a safe space to learn the skills of anger management, conflict resolution, de-escalation, and healthy communication. The angry partner usually benefits from individual counseling as well to help them learn to regulate their emotions.
If your partner refuses to see a therapist, you can still go to individual counseling yourself and learn new ways to deal with your angry partner. And if your partner is verbally or physically abusive, you may need professional support in order to safely make the changes that are necessary.
Your partner’s anger is not your responsibility. However, there is a lot you can do to build a more harmonious relationship. By taking responsibility for your own actions, expressing concern without criticism, and understanding your partner’s deep-rooted pains from a place of compassion, you can help calm your partner down and create space for the relationship to flourish.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
