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It happens every year. Months fly by in a flurry of work and personal commitments until, before we know it, the end of the year is upon us, and many women, especially moms, feel that familiar, creeping sense of apprehension.
It’s the feeling of already being stressed by the usual day-in, day-out obligations and knowing that now, on top of that, we get to have a bundle of expectations and obligations placed upon us: shopping, planning, decorating, cooking, hosting, and, of course, cleaning up afterward.
The holidays were already a lot to deal with during normal times. But now, with a seemingly never-ending pandemic and its many repercussions, as well as whatever may be going on in our personal lives, feeling overwhelmed is not only understandable, it’s to be expected.
In response to this, we see a new batch of articles intended to help women and moms manage the stress of another harried season, but this doesn’t change the gendered pattern that many women find themselves locked into year after year. Managing the stress only gets us through the current year; it doesn’t make things better next year. The only thing that we can do is have difficult but necessary conversations.
The Enduring Persistence of Patterns
The pandemic has shown us that, among heterosexual couples, women are still doing most of the work even when both partners are splitting up the childcare and or domestic labor.
In the same way, even when couples are dividing the extra labor, there are still ways in which women may be taking on a disproportionate amount of emotional labor or worrying about making sure that things are going smoothly and that all the elements are in place.
This is not just a matter of women willfully taking on more than necessary of their own volition. There is a complex web of overlapping mechanisms by which both descriptive and prescriptive gender norms continue to get culturally reinforced and internalized, even when individuals, couples, families, and organizations may think they are being “woke.”
Rethink “Doing It for the Kids”
A subtle yet powerful way that the cycle of gendered seasonal labor can get reinforced is when stressed-out moms feel that they should just tough it out for the sake of their children. While it’s completely understandable to feel this way, ask yourself, what would truly be best for your children, including both sons and daughters? Would it be to continually live up to unsustainable standards of gendered behavior so that everyone can have their idea of a perfect end of the year while perpetuating those very standards in the process? Or would it be to model the more equitable behavior you would like your children to emulate?
How Family Members Can Be Good Allies
Aiming for a fair division of labor is certainly a good place to start, especially for households where maybe this has traditionally not been the case. But labor isn’t just physical; it’s also emotional. Even in situations where physical labor is being divided, women may be taking on a disproportionate amount of emotional labor. This can happen for a combination of reasons.
Part of it is that people are socialized into believing that it’s always been womens’ job to do a majority of both the physical and emotional labor. After having it be this way for so long, turning off that emotional labor reflex isn’t as simple as pushing a button.
Part of it is also that women know, deep down, that if any wrenches get thrown in the works, then much of the blame will be implicitly (or explicitly) pinned on them. Even if immediate family members don’t see it that way, it’s possible that other people—such as friends, relatives, colleagues, or acquaintances—may indeed see it that way.
This is why progressively minded men and other family members should try to remember that equity isn’t necessarily as simple as just splitting up tasks and that emotional labor is also labor—a largely invisible one at that. Women (usually) don’t take on the majority of seasonal emotional labor because they enjoy or prefer it.
Powerful cultural forces, combined with embedded habit and inertia, are the causative forces. This is why, depending on the situation, allies and accomplices may wish to go beyond just helping out with practical tasks and play more proactive roles in the dismantling of patriarchal norms. This can take on various forms.
It may mean, for example, that men and other family members who wish to help may have to take the lead on the holiday planning and preparation—in other words, recognizing emotional labor as a legitimate form of labor and taking some of it on.
Others taking the initiative of something I would otherwise feel obligated to do helps me let go somewhat. Similarly, being a proactive ally could also mean visibly demonstrating that the end of the year will still turn out okay even if others are taking the lead (again, since many women have deeply internalized that they will be blamed if things go wrong).
Another way for allies and accomplices to help can be to intervene when someone, let’s say an in-law, commits a microaggression. For example, if Aunt Sally offhandedly comments on how stripped down this year’s decorations seem compared to last year, an ally can say something like, “We’re trying something different this year. We like it, and we’re so proud of mom for being willing to try this with us.”
Positive statements like this challenge the microaggression but do so without necessarily bringing direct attention to the act itself and potentially starting an argument (this time of year is notorious for triggering family arguments). In any given situation, a person with privilege can use it to advocate for those in the line of fire.
It’s essential to remember that any significant reshuffling of labor should be driven by choice, consent, and agency. In some situations, even if women are doing more of the physical and or emotional labor, it may be out of genuine preference. Having that taken away without discussion and consent can be a form of patriarchy in itself.
Allies and accomplices should also try to be mindful about not unwittingly creating more work for women, which can sometimes happen with any well-intended effort to dismantle embedded forms of inequality. This commonly occurs when those who are already overburdened are asked to do additional emotional labor.
Having the Conversations
Ultimately, the key to changing old, entrenched patterns of gendered seasonal labor comes down to individual families and communication. The best way to approach such a conversation is to do it in advance of the holidays, ask every family member’s hopes and expectations, and assert that everyone’s feelings will be equally prioritized.
This means that if the mom wants to have a quiet, peaceful time, it will be treated as just as valid as if someone (or everyone) wants boisterous events. The family has to agree on contributing equally to making that happen.
To reduce the chances of becoming confrontational, assert how much you love and enjoy spending with your family. Let them know you feel overwhelmed and can’t make it happen yourself. You might explain how gendered patterns are passed on through generations, and that modeling change is the best way to make it happen. This kind of reasoning would work best in families with the shared intent to be fair, even as members of the family may remain blind to certain disparities.
How much longer can women continue to be responsible for seasonal magic in this pandemic reality? It’s not sustainable. If there hasn’t been enough change, it’s because not enough of these conversations have occurred. We are fortunate that there’s been no better time to start having these conversations from the viewpoint of public awareness and readiness.
We know about gender norms and implicit bias more than ever before, and as a result, more people are willing to be part of a change toward more fairness and equity. That includes making the “most wonderful time of the year” equally wonderful for the entire family, not just part of it.
