I Am Not My Pain

I taught a course on “Ministering to Women in Pain.” In preparation, I found myself reading about the problem of evil, and on pain and suffering in general. One book I read that has really affected me profoundly is More Than an Aspirin by my friend, Gay Hubbard.

If pain is inevitable, is it possible to live with pain in such a way that we alter its negative impact on our lives? Gay’s answer is yes. It depends on how we respond to it. If we do not think about it, pain will often lead to bitterness. It does not have to, however, if we decide that pain can be used to grow us into better versions of ourselves.

An important lesson I am learning is that “I am not the pain,” rather pain is something that happens to me, and there are many other wonderful things in my life that make it worthwhile. “My life is more than my pain, and I will not die from this pain. I can choose to survive” (p.106). I do not like suffering, but I can endure it if I remember that this is not all there is to me.

It is important to note that this does not mean I have to like suffering. I may have to endure the suffering in my life for the sake of what it accomplishes. With this new perspective, I can look at my life and the results of the suffering I have endured and see how it has changed me into the person am becoming and empowering me to accomplish good things in my life. This is greatly encouraging.

Let me encourage you with some thoughts on this process:

1. If you are not your pain, then you can look at other aspects of your life.

Notice the good things, and express gratitude for them. Keep doing that on a daily basis. You will be surprised at how this will help you to live the truth that you are not your pain.

2. You may be able to see some good things that can come from your pain.

Be thankful for them. But remember, you do not have to like the pain!

3. Try to let go of asking, “Why?”

You may never have the answer to that question. Better to focus on what you can learn, who you are becoming, and what you can accomplish as a result of the experience.

4. What you can change, change.

If you are in a destructive relationship, do something about it. If you have developed a destructive way of life or pattern of thinking, do the work to change it. Do not continue in self-destructive relationships, behaviors, thoughts, or emotions.

5. Do not worry about whose fault it is.

If there is something you are doing that is self-destructive and creating suffering in your life, by all means, do what you can to change. But if you cannot see any way that you have created the pain, do not blame yourself.

6. We are not promised a happy ending.

Maybe your pain will end in personal growth without it actually ending. I have learned that this can be OK, too. If I am more than my pain, it need not define me, and I can live a full life even in the midst of it.

I end with some of Gay’s words on how we may think about our pain (pp. 109-110):

My pain is what it is—my pain. I did not choose this pain. I cannot avoid this pain. But… I am more than my suffering. In this pain, I can choose life. I can choose to live productively through this pain.

It is what it is: pain. But that is all that it is: my pain. It is not evidence of my inadequacy, my unloveableness, or the absence of my worth. It is not proof of my personal culpability.

The cycle of life is what it is: laughter and tears; gain and loss; joy and pain. In the cycle of my life, I have come to this season of pain. I cannot go around it, but I can and will go through it. I can survive. And I choose to do more than survive. I choose to live in a way that permits good things to emerge from this time of pain.

In this pain, I choose life. In the present darkness of my soul and disordered circumstances, I choose to live.