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Dear Dr. G.,
I don't know what else to do. My son, 19, is in a relationship which my husband and I disapprove of. His freshman year of college began with the approach of this girl during the first week of school. (Note: I later learned she had already told her parents of him before she introduced herself).
Shortly after the relationship began (approximately one month in) it ended. Reason: My son thought she was too controlling.
The second breakup was between semesters one and two. Reason: My son thought, again, she was too controlling. His friends didn't like her; she was very dependent on him; she was jealous so he could never do any activity or go anyplace without her; she expected much from him for her family but wasn't willing to do the same with his. He also told her he really wanted to learn about himself. He was new in college and had not yet had any time to himself to really experience college life independently.
This second breakup was more difficult for him as he was so concerned about hurting her. He put off the breakup for several weeks.
Needless to say, we were very happy. We had only met the girl a couple of times. It was not a pleasant experience. When she visited, there was never one minute we got to spend with our own son. She demanded all attention from everyone. If we talked, the conversation always turned to her. No matter the subject, she had done it too and did it better than whoever was talking. Our friends noticed, our pastor noticed, and our other family noticed.
Number three. Yes, sadly, number three.
Once he returned to college after the holiday, we were advised she was texting him again. He had missed her over the holiday, understandably as he is human, so he was texting back. Before we knew it, the two were in a relationship again.
So we endured it over the next five months. During this time, we watched our son not attend our family functions for fear of how mad she would get. We watched her take center stage at my daughter's proms so everyone had to focus on her rather than my daughter. We watched our son become a person we began to not recognize. The loving and family-oriented person was short-tempered, somewhat bitter, angry in tone, excessively cursing, and the list goes on.
Then we were in summer break with the two of them 1.5 hours apart. My son was taking two summer classes, working full time, and trying to enjoy what little time he had over summer break. The two were video chatting daily along with texting.
Around week three of summer break my son came to me and said, "Mom, I am confused about [her name]. He proceeds to tell me the break has given him perspective. He realized with time away that he cares for her but is certain he does not love her. He shared that he had begun doubting his own self-worth through their relationship she made him feel he was not good enough. No matter what he did to show his affection is was met with a "thanks, but next time can you do this?" or "thanks but I wish you had done this instead" or "why didn't you notice this?' or "you didn't tell me I am pretty today, do you not love me?'
I could go on but you get the point. He expressed that he felt he was only staying in the relationship because he didn't want to hurt her again (since he had broken up with her two times already). He wanted time to himself but he was scared. He also needed someone so he worried he'd feel lonely without her.
Fast forward again, at the end of summer break he ended it. It did not end well. She begged him not to end the relationship and tearfully, he expressed why he had to do it. He even told her he cared deeply for her and did not want to lose her from his life but he knew he did not love her in the way she needed it. He tried to express to her that he felt she needed someone who was OK with all the things she needed but he didn't feel he was good enough. He expressed to her some of the issues with the clinging on, the need for time alone, and that she was simply too dependent on being with him at every moment of every day.
Allow me to add that from the start of the semester when they got back together until they departed for summer break, she stayed in his dorm room every night (yes, every night) as she was so worried if she left him alone he might realize he didn't want to be with her all the time (her words to him, not mine). He shared the issues her mother had caused and how that seriously impacted how he felt.
To catch you up here, her mom followed him on every social media area possible and would contact her daughter to tell her to contact my son or would contact him directly when she didn't think he should like a photo or didn't approve of a girl he might have as a friend or a tweet he liked if it was originally by a girl. There is so much more here I could tell you but you get the point. There were many reasons. He just knew it was what he wanted.
The breakup was very bad. There were plans to meet and talk about things before finalizing the breakup. That meeting didn't happen due to my son's rigorous schedule. She wanted no part of that and was vicious in her actions over it with all the things she said. She blamed everything on him and would not listen to the fact that he told her he didn't love her and knew that since they were apart over the summer and he was very comfortable with it. She would listen to nothing he said. So, she said what she needed and blocked every existence of him on social media.
This was not what he wanted. He wanted to remain friends but not in a relationship. She bashed him on campus and words got to his fraternity that he would be banned from sorority functions where the two would meet, among other things.
He began to worry. He also was so very upset at how bad things ended. He wanted to be able to discuss face to face what went wrong. He felt betrayed that rather than end as friends he had been blocked and banned at every turn. Sadly, he is the type of person that takes things like this upon his shoulders as a must fix.
He is now 2.5 months back in college, second semester. There was finally a function where his fraternity was leading an event that interfaced with her sorority and, as President, he had to attend. They go to speak. They began to text afterward as she (no surprise to us) decided to unblock him by phone.
Fast forward one week and the goal is now for them to be a couple again. It wasn't enough for her that this guy dumped her three times and that he told her he didn't love her and on and on and on. She simply knows what to do to reel him in and she has done it again.
There is so much more I wish I could share but my letter is already so long. I just need help. I don't want to alienate him. I can see us several months from here in the same situation all over again. My son so depressed because the same girl (now for the fourth time) is controlling him, is not giving him breathing room, is making him feel nothing he does is right and on and on and on. Help!
A Frustrated Mother
Dear Mother,
You have good reason to be concerned about the relationship in which your son has become deeply immersed. I am not only concerned about his girlfriend's controlling behavior and your son's inability to find his way out of the relationship. I am also deeply concerned that your son is involved in an emotionally abusive relationship.
You have identified many signs of emotional abuse including jealousy, extreme control, and destruction of your son's reputation. Additionally, the young woman's mother is also involved in attempting to control your son's behavior. This too is a form of emotional control and abuse. Typically, when we think of abuse in relationships we think of males abusing females but the reverse is true as well.
I am sure that nothing that I have said above has made you feel better or calmer. I will give you guidance. I promise. I would like to start by helping you understand this relationship. Your son is very young and as we all know relationships are difficult for individuals of all ages. Your son is new to relationships of this intensity so it makes sense that it is difficult for him to manage things smoothly. It is a shame that he got involved with a young woman with insecurity and jealousy issues. Let's try to give your son the benefit of the doubt here. When he first met this young woman she probably presented herself very well. It is only over time that these less desirable characteristics tend to emerge.
Perhaps each time they get back together the young woman promises to change. Unfortunately, controlling and jealous partners can also be very manipulative and charming. I am not surprised that your son became irritable and distant when he was home. He is under a lot of pressure and anyone in an abusive relationship would be expected to show changes in their usual behavior.
Your son describes having experienced a deterioration in his self-esteem since he has been in his relationship. This certainly makes sense. This young woman appears to have a great deal of power over your son both when they are together and when they are not together (destroying his reputation).
My suggestion is for your son to get into individual therapy immediately. College counseling centers have therapists who have a great deal of experience dealing with these sorts of relationship issues.
Without the support of a good therapist, I am worried that your son will continue to have an extremely difficult time negotiating this relationship. Your son has been very open with you and that is excellent. My hope is that he will be even more open with a therapist.
My heart goes out to your son. No one ever goes into a relationship expecting it to become emotionally abusive. Continue to be the wonderfully supportive mother that you are. Please get back to me and keep me up to date as your son finds his way through and hopefully out of this relationship. Good luck.
Dr. G.
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