I Am Done With My Mother

Dear Dr.G.,

I've gotten to the point in my life where I'm just completely done with my mom. She has been the negativity in my life. She keeps threatening to leave the family and at this point I don't care anymore because she uses it as a threat and it's getting old and annoying. She is very problematic in this household. She is so passive aggressive. My mom is always complaining about my sister and I not helping around the house, yet all we do is clean for her all the time. My mom doesn't ever clean the house and she doesn't even work. She just complains all day long about how useless my sister, dad and I are. I feel bad for my dad the most because he really is such a devoted father to me and my older sister. My mom makes it seem like he doesn't love us one but I truly know he does, He even tells us he does and I know all the time he doesn't ever want to break up the family. Yesterday my mom was being very dramatic and name calling us all. She told my sister and I that we can never call her "mom" again because we don't deserve to. I didn't care when she said that to be honest because I have given up on trying to be the daughter my mom wants us to be. Whatever we do it will never be good enough for her and I now just realized that. My mom is always telling people how amazing of daughters we are but behind closed doors we are useless and stupid to her. She's always telling us that she trusts us but I know she really doesn't. She is always thinking my sister and I are going to do something beyond dumb by doing drugs, get pregnant or get in trouble with the law, but I know that's not possible. I know for a fact my sister and I are good daughters. We've never been out smoking, drinking or doing drugs. We are trapped in this house all the time. If we are to go out with friends the longest we could stay out is like two hours because she honestly thinks we are going to ruin our lives by doing something stupid staying out too long. I just want her to trust us, but it'll never happen. Whenever we try to talk to her about things on our feelings she never listens. She turns things around to start talking about herself and start a pity party. I don't fall for her pity party words because I feel like she uses it as excuses to get away with a lot of things. Last night she went out of line and said my father was a bad father, and said he was a bad husband. My dad is still by my mom's side even after she had an affair with some other man for over 8 years and she thought she could call him a bad husband. He's worked so hard for my family. My whole family wouldn't be living in this house if it wasn't for him. I hate the fact my mom is always getting away with things. She is never going to change her behavior if everyone in the house continues to let her get her way all the time. She acts like a teenage girl throwing fits when not getting their way. I'm the teenager in this house and I don't even act like that. I have said that if my mom ever decided to leave the family I would never forgive her. I would make it seem as if I never had a mother and I would never have around when I get married or have children. She would not ever be around the most important milestones in my life.

A Distressed Teenager

Dear Teenager,

First, I want to tell you that I am so pleased that you wrote to me for some validation and suggestions. Clearly, you are living in a very unhealthy and stressful household. I agree with you. It seems that your mother sets no limits for herself and that your father also has a difficult time doing so. Perhaps he doesn't know how to set limits or he, too, may be depleted like you are.Your mother, from your description, sounds verbally abusive and demeaning toward her family. It seems to me that only someone who is depressed and has other emotional problems would behave in such a manner. From your perspective you are doing your best to be a good daughter. Nonetheless, your mother is chipping away at your self-esteem and clearly does not trust you. Perhaps she is full of fear and/or anxiety. On the other hand, she may simply be angry and punitive. She may even be drinking. It would be so helpful to get your mother's perspective on how she sees things. Without her perspective I am going to do the best I can while helping you to sort things out.

I suggest that you start out by having a heart to heart talk with your father. It is very important for you to get his perspective on what is going on. Ask for his support. Perhaps he can assist and encourage your mother to get some help. Perhaps, they need to go see a therapist together. Involve your sister in this discussion if you think that this would be helpful.

Even if your mother does not go to therapy it would be extremely helpful for you to seek out individual therapy. You clearly need and deserve someone to talk to. This will take a lot of weight off your shoulders. You may not be able to change your mother but you may be able to change your reactions to her. Your mom says that she is going to run away. You may want to ignore these comments rather than respond to them and threaten to never talk to your mom if she leaves the family. Such comments are generally fueled by a reaction. This is the type of behavior that a therapist will help you with. In therapy you will learn a variety of coping skills to deal most effectively with the home situation. It will also help you in a preventative manner. My hope is that you will not become depleted and depressed.

I wish you luck. Please get back to me.

Dr. G.

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