Growing Up with a Narcissistic Mother

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It is not easy growing up with a mother who exhibits narcissistic traits. It can cause psychological harm if not given the proper attention. Approximately 1 percent of the population has narcissistic personality disorder, but narcissistic behavioral traits are far more common. People who develop narcissistic traits are often children of parents who are inconsistent and unpredictable in their expression of love.

How do you know if you are the child of a narcissistic mother? They are often incredibly concerned with being viewed as "the good mother" in the eyes of others. They may be overly concerned with their children’s outward appearance and how it reflects on them. The mother’s underdeveloped sense of self is noticeable when she attacks others by pointing out shortcomings and/or praising their children for shallow qualities.

Mothers with narcissistic traits often see situations as either all good or all bad; you are either in or out. This is called splitting. Splitting causes a person to view everything and everyone in black-and-white. Individuals who see their world through this lens cannot accept people for both the good and the bad, which leads to them only being able to love conditionally. Splitting causes a lot of rejection from outsiders and may lead to relationship failures. A mother who is prone to splitting is likely to raise fragile children with poor self-esteem.

Narcissistic mothers see a child’s achievements as more important than their happiness. The expectations they put on their children often lead to the children experiencing a disconnect between their performative self and their authentic self. Two common archetypes for children of narcissistic mothers are an anxious and favored child and an isolated and dejected child.

Mothers who are narcissists may also exhibit the following common traits:

• Lack of empathy
• Fragile self-esteem
• Inability to handle any form of criticism
• Selfish exploitation of relationships
• Prone to cheating in marriages
• Verbal aggression and abuse
• Troubled by aging and will do anything to avoid it
• Lack of insight as to how they affect others
• Prone to depression and substance abuse
• Friendly and well-liked in social settings, but cutting behind closed doors

Children of mothers with narcissistic tendencies may find that they sublimate their needs to make their mothers happy. This behavior is an attempt to win love and acceptance from an individual unable to provide unconditional love. Such children may be more prone to depression and substance abuse. They may also have fragile egos and have difficulty with rejection. Distrust, domestic violence, and lack of stability can be common in partnerships of children of narcissists.

Tips for having a relationship with a narcissistic mother

While maintaining a healthy relationship with a narcissistic mother is not easy, it is possible. Here are a few suggestions that may help to guide the relationship towards shared peace:

• Set boundaries and stick to them. A narcissist’s charm may make this difficult, but remember that boundaries can look different for every relationship. A common tendency of a narcissistic mother is to bring up topics that are triggering and offer her “expert” advice on how you can fix those issues.
• If your mother always wants to talk about your physical appearance and what you need to do to get into better shape, or if she regularly picks apart your relationship with your partner, let her know those topics are off-limits. If she brings them up, let her know the conversation is over and that you will connect at a different time.
• Schedule the time you will spend with your mother. Do not allow for an open-door policy. Time spent together can be scheduled with a firm start and end time. This allows for less steamrolling behavior and gives you a light at the end of the tunnel if you are beginning to become drained by her behavior.
• Give praise when you can. If your mother does something you admire, let her know. Narcissists thrive on praise. Show her that you are paying attention to her positive qualities as much as the negative ones.
• If a fight erupts, let the fire run out of fuel before addressing the root issue. Engaging with a narcissist while they are “on” will only further exacerbate a situation. It is unlikely that she will be able to see any fault in the moment. Give the situation space and revisit it when things have calmed down.
• Narcissistic tendencies are easily passed down through generations, but children of narcissistic mothers can break the cycle. Cognitive-behavioral theory (CBT) therapy is a great resource to stop the generational trickle of narcissistic traits and remedy the emotional wounds of childhood. The cycle can be broken by recognizing your mother’s shortcomings and identifying other positive role models.

Creating boundaries with your mother can provide an important lesson in learning what she can and cannot emotionally provide for you. Boundaries can help protect you from an onslaught of criticism or abuse; however, this is not easily done as a young child.

For daughters who have decided to sever ties more permanently with their mothers, I recommend remembering the mantra, "It’s not the family you are born into, but the family you choose." Seek out mentors who validate you and give you the praise your mother cannot provide.