5 Things to Tell Your Teen About Pornography

I know a lot of parents wouldn’t like to admit it, but exposure to porn, intentionally or unintentionally, starts at unbelievably young ages. You can set up as many parental controls as electronically possible, but by middle school, children will begin to see pornography or sexualized media.

While hearing that your child has probably seen some online porn may horrify you, don’t shy away from talking about porn with your child. Despite the discomfort you may feel around this conversation, the alternative is to allow the content on free sites like PornHub inform your teen’s definition of sex. You may not love the idea of your teen watching porn, but I bet you wouldn’t want your kids to start equating sex with porn even more.

Today’s widely available, free porn is hardcore, and for many young children that didn’t mean to stumble across pornography, the images they see may feel confusing and disturbing. Parents should tell their children that they will not get angry if they want to discuss something they’ve seen accidentally. But once teens reach high school, many start to watch porn voluntarily.

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The power of porn to deliver unending stimulation and a stream of novel sexual activities creates an incredible activation of our reward system. Because of this, there are theories that excessive porn watching creates supernormal stimuli. “Supernormal stimuli” is a term evolutionary biologists use to describe any stimulus that elicits a response more strongly than the stimulus for which the response evolved, even if the supernormal stimulus is artificial, such as internet porn compared with real sex, or the sugar in candy compared with the sugar found in nature. ¹

Supernormal stimuli activate our natural reward system but potentially activate it at higher levels than the levels of activation our ancestors typically encountered as our brains evolved. This makes the brain liable to switch into an addictive mode. So some experts argue that watching porn can make you want novel stimulation and can make regular sex less rewarding.

Further, the free porn that children are able to watch can be extremely violent, with males mostly inflicting violence while females are the target of the violence. It’s much more graphic and violent than paid porn. And it is also less likely to be made ethically, with fair trade practices, including fair wages, basic health coverage, and STI testing.

Parental involvement is critical in how children receive and perceive porn. My advice is that we should try to keep children under 14 years old away from pornography by monitoring their technology. After that age, give them the freedom to make their own choices, as they will find a way to view what they want.

The best way you can prevent your teen from feeling addicted to or suffering the negative consequences of watching pornography is by talking about it with them. Here are five things to tell your teen to start the conversation:

1. Most pornography is acting.

Maybe some healthy adults have sex in similar manners to porn scenes, but most probably do not. Porn directors try to make their videos feel visceral and almost “real” so that it elicits a sexual release for the viewer, but this does not make it an accurate portrayal of sex. Pornography producers and actors are creating a piece of media, not a representation of reality. The camera angles, lighting, and flow of sexual activity are part of a production process. In porn scenes, sexual acts that may be painful in real life can be made to look pleasurable. Additionally, many elements, including orgasms and ejaculations, are fake.

2. Most people’s bodies don't look like porn actors and actresses.

Porn performers are chosen because of certain physical attributes (large penises, oversized breasts) that are seen as sexually desirable to sell more videos. Actors and actresses often alter their bodies through cosmetic surgical procedures to be cast in pornography.

3. If pornography upsets you, don’t continue watching it.

Sometimes teens may group together and watch lascivious scenes through peer pressure, but your child can choose to leave or stop watching. A lot of porn can be upsetting to watch, and it might be difficult to get a pornographic scene out of your mind when you begin to have real sex. Think before you click. The effect can be compared to that of a horror film that gave you nightmares. Your children need to know that they can always leave the room, turn the film off, or say, “I don't want to watch this.”

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4. Pornography often displays less common, or “fringe,” sex acts.

Most people do not, or at least do not often, engage in many of the sexual acts normalized in porn. When these acts are carried out in real life, it requires maturity, boundaries, trust, and communication between partners, none of which are displayed in porn. Most teenagers are not ready to participate in the sex acts shown in porn. Tell your child to focus on intimacy and connection in their sexual encounters, as there will be plenty of time for the other stuff later if they choose.

5. Consent!

Porn performers are asked to give consent before shooting a scene, even if they do not give consent on screen. Don’t assume that, because a porn actor slaps an actress during the film, that you don’t have to ask for consent throughout a sexual encounter. Never assume that slapping, pinching, or other “rough sex” activities are automatically consented to as part of intercourse. And remember that porn performers are professionals—you might not see them using lubricant or discussing safety measures, but most of the time these things are happening offscreen.