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Artwork by Alexi Berry
In working with couples one thing becomes obvious: although they are living together, often they are not with each other anymore. Many partners live parallel lives; both are too busy to really connect. Sometimes the only real connection they make is during an argument.
Let me be: Because of the seemingly overwhelming demands of life, focus is on tasks rather than human connection. The report has to get in, stocks have to be checked, the kids have to be put to bed, or some other distraction occurs preventing the couple from being together. As partners place demands on each other, they become a hindrance to the accomplishment of goals. Truthfully, we want just to be left alone. This remains true even after the tasks are completed, and the individual wants to unwind before dealing with the partner.
Many people don't spend quality time alone even when it is afforded. As technology puts more tasks and information at our fingertips we can easily avoid being, whether with others or simply being alone. As much as people avoid connecting with others, any connection may be seen as unpleasant.
Maybe people fear what they'll hear from their loved ones, or wonder what the interaction will entail. Maybe interaction carries the threat of more tasks or responsibilities. There is also the fear of vulnerability that haunts many relationships. Even being alone and quiet for a few minutes can lead to a feeling of unproductivity, which will negatively impact one's self worth. Whatever the reasons, it's easy to avoid true contact with one another.
A couple in counseling was assigned the task of spending five to ten minutes together with no television or other activity in the foreground. They were instructed to simply sit and be with each other for this short period. When asked the next week how the assignment went, this cohabitating couple reported they hadn't had the time to complete the assignment. Are we really so busy?
Be with me: Human connectedness is what provides meaning in many people's lives. More frequently people are settling for pseudo-connection. We have active online social lives that fill some needs. People also connect with their distractions: alcohol, drugs, television, or the Internet. If you reflect, some of the best times of your life were times when you connected with others.
Couples' therapists often suggest getting away; take a trip together, spend some quality time away. Often when the couple is away they are able to enjoy one another. In fact, they spend some time really being together. But when they return, despite resolutions to be more attentive to their relationship, the ability to mindfully be together evaporates. There are too many distractions; it becomes too easy to sacrifice the relationship for all of the other tasks that seem so important.
There are many reasons people avoid connecting with their partner. Some of the culprits are the demands of the day, resentment stemming from unmet needs, and feelings of vulnerability or rejection. For some people, therapy may be beneficial in breaking down some of these walls. Therapy is not always necessary, however. For many couples stopping and simply being with their partner would be an excellent start to repairing the relationship before it deteriorates into a parallel existence with limited, and less than joyful, connection.
Copyright William Berry, 2011
