People Don't Judge You as Harshly as You Think

Source: RDNE Stock Project / Pexels

Attribution, or how we explain what we and others do in the world, is a core concept in psychology. The original theory proposed that we are inherently biased when judging ourselves versus others.

For example, the actor-observer bias states that when something bad happens to us, we tend to blame external factors rather than ourselves. If we do poorly on a test, it is because the teacher didn't ask the right questions. The fundamental attribution bias says that when something happens to someone else, we blame internal factors for their situation. If another person does poorly in school, we assume that they are dumb or lazy.

Ugh, right? It’s a rather negative spin on human nature, and believing these biases (e.g., the world will put us down if we make a mistake) can lead to anxiety, lack of risk-taking, and low self-esteem. So, how accurate are they?

Testing Validity of Biases

One study tested them using four embarrassing situations: a social blunder, two public intellectual blunders, and being talked about embarrassingly. Participants performed as actors or observers. Afterward, the observers answered questions on whether they negatively judged the actors, and the actors answered questions on whether they felt judged by others.

Actors walked away believing that they were judged far more harshly than observers actually judged them. The observers tended to focus on external factors that could have contributed to the situation, whereas the actors focused on how bad they looked. This is the opposite of what the fundamental attribution bias would have predicted.

The reality is that many of us are quick to explain away other people’s mistakes while holding ourselves to standards that are impossible to meet. Think of a person who rationalizes their partner's hurtful actions as a result of their poor upbringing. Or the mother who is there for her children through every tantrum, because they are hungry or tired or overstimulated, yet calls herself a bad mom if they find her crying. For many of us, we blame ourselves when we don't perform up to par, yet point to myriad reasons why others are doing the best they can.

A More Useful Approach

A more realistic, and useful, approach to attribution is a piece of wisdom my grandmother shared when my mother thought everyone in school was judging her. She said, “Don’t be silly. They are far more concerned with themselves than they are with you.” Put differently, since we all focus on how others perceive us, we are not focused on how we perceive others. Instead, we tend to feel empathy for others' mistakes, knowing how miserable we would feel if we did the same.

Perhaps it is time to reconsider the validity of these biases. Knowing that others aren't judging us the way we thought they were, we can accept our mistakes and move on, rather than beating ourselves up. We can see the best in each other, rather than imagining the worst.