Beyond Boundaries

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Unless you live in a cave and never see the light of day, it's likely that you will regularly interact with different people, each with their own quirks and perspectives. And in this melting pot of personalities, it’s also likely that someone, somewhere, will say or do something that rubs you the wrong way; a coworker who asks intrusive, personal questions, a friend who repeatedly gives you unsolicited advice, a supervisor who texts you after hours with work-related requests.

When it comes to interactions with immediate and external family members, emotions may run a little higher, and anxiety may feel more overwhelming. There’s a shared history, and what’s worse, you can’t stop being related, which can make boundary-setting a little challenging, especially when there’s pressure to “love them no matter what.”

Setting boundaries with family members can trigger feelings of guilt and shame, but beyond those initial feelings, boundaries can also lead to anger and frustration.

For example, let’s say you’re tired of hearing a family member constantly criticize your appearance, or you’re done dealing with passive/aggressive comments designed to trigger guilt for any number of perceived sins. You’ve done some work on boundaries, so you decide to communicate them clearly and respectfully. You feel proud for being assertive, a feeling you relish until they repeat the same behavior, not once but several times. What the heck? You think.

You remind them of your boundaries over and over, each time a little angrier and more frustrated. But still, nothing changes, and you end up feeling all the work you’ve done on setting boundaries was in vain. You wonder if they even work.

They do, but perhaps not in the way you expect.

A boundary delineates sacred territory. It’s like a picket fence around your values, goals, and priorities that provides direction and helps you make tough decisions with more confidence. A clear boundary fosters harmony between your thoughts, emotions, and choices. Identifying where you need a boundary can feel empowering; it is a message to yourself that you have a great deal of self-respect.

However, sometimes, we set a boundary and assume that in doing so, the other person will automatically rise to meet our expectations and that communicating our needs will lead to change. If only it were that easy.

An expectation that a boundary will change someone’s behavior is a slippery slope on which you’re bound to fall and get injured. People are unique, and they behave in ways that make sense for them, not for you.

When you have expectations, whether conscious or subconscious, you put yourself at risk of taking their inaction as a personal affront and of hopping onto a negative thought train: Clearly, they don’t care about me. They don’t respect me. They don’t value our relationship. These kinds of thoughts may then lead you to take a more drastic approach.

When a Fence Becomes a Wall

I am really done, you think. It’s time to cut them out of my life.

You remove yourself from all spaces by avoiding family get-togethers and refusing to talk to anyone who wants you to ‘let it go.’ You ignore phone calls and text messages or block them on social media. You give them the silent treatment and/or refuse to share anything meaningful.

A wall can be a physical, mental, and/or emotional barrier, and it will manifest in different ways, but the purpose remains the same: to restrict access to your sacred space because, in doing so, you’re in control and prioritizing yourself.

But even a wall doesn’t guarantee peace because it may have been built with unrealistic expectations. Perhaps you put up a wall as a form of punishment; you want them to suffer your absence, to see how valuable you are, and thus make changes. Or you shut them out in an attempt to get them to acknowledge your sacred space and apologize for not respecting it.

These expectations have several consequences, both for yourself and for the relationship:

Emotional and Mental Impact: You might feel relief initially, especially if the boundary violation was significant. However, it can also lead to feelings of sadness and loneliness, especially if the person is someone close to you. Their inaction and indifference might lead to unresolved emotional tension, which could make it difficult to trust others and form meaningful relationships.

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Missed Opportunities for Growth: If building walls for people who upset you becomes a habit, it might prevent an opportunity for you to learn and grow from difficult experiences. Personal growth often comes from navigating conflicts, and without any kind of resistance, growth may be stunted.

Decreased Empathy: Expectations keep you focused on making sure your needs are always provided for, but they also blind you to what others can provide. Too much focus on protecting the territory on your side of the fence hinders your ability to see the other side and have any kind of understanding for everything they hold dear.

Reinforced Codependency: When you build a wall to shut someone out because you feel disrespected, you are, in a roundabout way, re-affirming the great deal of power they have over your emotional territory.

Impact on Family Dynamics: Depending on the context, shutting someone out could affect your entire family system- your kids, your siblings, etc. Avoidance and passive/aggressive approaches may contribute to a legacy of unresolved internal family conflicts that ultimately hurt current and future family members.

It's important to consider these consequences carefully and weigh them against your need for self-protection and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Conclusion

Cutting someone out of your life is sometimes necessary, especially in cases of physical, verbal, sexual, or psychological abuse. When faced with ongoing mistreatment or harm, prioritizing your own well-being and safety helps you reclaim your inherent worth and protect your mental and emotional health.

Yet, in navigating tough interactions and relationships with family members, the challenge lies not in setting boundaries but in managing the expectations you attach to those boundaries. Each person carries their own tapestry of experiences and beliefs, often different from yours, regardless of your shared bloodline.

Expecting others to conform entirely to your needs can blind you to the richness of their unique perspectives and the wisdom they carry from their own journey. True understanding requires patience—a willingness to listen, empathize, and see beyond your immediate needs. Embracing this approach doesn’t make your internal space any less sacred; on the contrary, it enriches it with the depth and breadth of all human experiences and fosters meaningful connections that transcend individual boundaries.