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Key points
- White lies seem harmless, but they can damage well-being and relationships.
- Chronic white lies damage trust in relationships.
- White lies inhibit authenticity. Awareness and acceptance can help build authenticity.
I was five years old and playing on the living room floor, fully immersed in the Fisher Price Little People Treehouse I’d gotten for Christmas. When the doorbell rang, my mom ran over to me, hunched over, and whispered, “Yvonne, answer the door and tell Florita I’m not home.”
We were a dedicated Mexican-Catholic family, and I had been told that lies were practically a guarantee that I’d end up in hell.
I looked up at the figure towering over me, the one who'd always kept me safe and was now putting me in danger. “But you are home.”
She sighed in exasperation. “Just tell her I am not home, that I'll call her later!” She ran off before I had a chance to protest.
More afraid of my sometimes-volatile mom than Jesus Christ in that moment, I opened the door to a smiling Florita. “Hi Yvonne, go tell your mom I want to talk to her.”
I peered up at her and said, “Uhm, my mom says she’s not home. And, uhm, that she’ll call you later.” She gave me a confused look, and then stormed off.
My mom came out of hiding, angrier than a hornet. “Why did you do that? You were supposed to say that I'm not home!”
My legs were shaking. “I know, but that’s a lie. Lies hurt Jesus and I don't want to go to hell.”
She deflated, defeated by my reasoning. “I know, but this was a white lie, and these lies are okay because they protect others from being hurt.”
In spite of my worry that we'd never get to heaven, white lies became a regular thing, and I was always the one delivering them for others. My brother would hand me the phone and say, “Call my girlfriend, tell her I’m sick and that I can’t go see her.” He’d walk away, fishing rod in hand, determined to catch a few trout.
We collectively “killed” countless relatives: “Tell them there was a death in the family”. We never had reliable transportation: “Tell them our car broke down, or that we got a flat tire”. And we were the sickest family in all of Miami: “Tell them I came down with the flu”.
Who are we really protecting?
White lies are deemed acceptable because the intention is a noble one—to protect someone from feeling hurt.
But let’s be honest. White lies have more to do with protecting ourselves. Many of us don’t know how to embrace discomfort, and white lies are an easy way out.
Here are some common themes:
To avoid guilt. You made dinner plans with a friend weeks ago, but when the day arrives, you realize you’re tired, and not in the mood. Rather than tell the truth, you invent an extenuating circumstance to get out of it and then crawl under the covers.
To avoid judgment. You're the “strong one” in your family, so you lie about how you feel because you don’t want them to worry. You say yes when you should say no. You say, “I got it” when you should say, "I need help”. You think it’s because you don’t want to burden them, but maybe you're afraid they will judge you for being weak.
To avoid discomfort. A friend asks you what you think about their new partner, and rather than tell them the truth (you don’t like them one bit), you say, "I love them!" You worry your honest opinion will hurt them, and you don’t want to feel like a jerk.
To prevent disappointment. You’re late for work because you overslept. You tell your boss that one of your kids was sick, afraid they'll be disappointed to learn that you’re a human with flaws like everyone else.
Longer-term consequences
If white lies were the norm for you growing up, you may have ended up believing you’re responsible for other people’s feelings. This can make interactions brutal because you overthink what to say and worry you'll offend someone.
In relationships, when one partner tells white lies in the beginning in order to keep the other one interested, conflict inevitably ensues. One partner feels deceived after the other reveals their true nature.
Honesty is necessary for a healthy relationship, and too many white lies can damage trust. A client once said to me, “If they can’t be honest about trivial things, I worry they won't be honest about the important stuff.”
If you’re a chronic white liar, you might end up feeling like you always have to be “on”, and this can be mentally draining. Each interaction can feel like a never-ending performance. Additionally, it may be hard for you to receive honest feedback, which can lead to interpersonal conflicts.
Too much consideration for how other people feel means less time exploring your own emotions, making it tough to identify needs and set boundaries.
Lastly, white lies inhibit the kind of realness that is liberating. If you were never taught to stand firm in whatever is true for you, it may have been hard for you to develop self-confidence, impairing your ability to show up authentically.
What can you do?
I’ve heard it said that once we hit middle age, we discover the freedom to be transparent, honest, direct, and everything we’ve always wanted to be.
But why wait until then? Here are some ways to combat white lies and embrace your awesome authentic self:
Awareness
Notice your habit of lying. Where do you do it most, and with whom? Is it only at work, or in your relationship? The more awareness you have, the better you'll be able to start making changes.
Acceptance
Be honest with yourself. Are you afraid of not being liked? Of being judged? So maybe you realize that you're a little insecure. Accepting this can be tough, because we want to think we're epic humans 100% of the time, but this step is essential.
Application
Pick one person with whom you want to practice being honest. Remind yourself that although you are very talented, you cannot control what other people think and you are not responsible for their emotions.
Additionally, ask someone in your life to be unflinchingly honest with you. Keep in mind that how someone delivers honest feedback is unique, and that you don’t have to agree with them.
More importantly, don't blame someone for "making" you feel a certain kind of way; you feel things all by yourself. Just as you’re not responsible for their emotions, neither are they responsible for yours.
Conclusion
Becoming unapologetically authentic takes practice and time, and you'll be uncomfortable along the way, but it'll be worth every moment of liberation you'll eventually experience.
And with truth as your compass, you will never feel lost.
