Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner. Here Are 5 Tips to Help

Sessions with my client Lauren made evident her relationship patterns. She'd work hard to help various men heal (from addiction, immaturity, selfishness, lack of emotional intelligence, you name it), always hoping they’d evolve to love her in a healthy way, only to break up and watch them move on to another woman and have a lasting relationship.

Lauren said, “I would heal everyone but myself and then watch them go off and live their best life!” Her history of overgiving to romantic relationships and getting so little in return, only to break up and see them move on with someone else, is what I call being a "love doula."

What Creates a Love Doula?

The answer is relational trauma from youth, such as children with emotionally unavailable caregivers. It can also be anyone who learned to be a shape-shifting chameleon to please others, anyone who learned to work hard to attune and mirror others in the way they wish they could be seen and understood, and anyone who grew up absorbing messages they should fit in at all costs and make everyone else happy (but themselves).

Often, a person who is a lone wolf or feels different finds another lone wolf and tries to “save” them. The love doula is an empath who sees the other person's shadow (the part of our unconscious mind that we repress because we feel ashamed or fear judgment) and wants to heal them because it’s a subconscious way to heal their own shadow.

If only we could actually heal another person’s shadow. But that’s an inside job, one they need to work on more than you. That being said, what a beautiful thing it is to see someone’s shadow and love the person anyway—as long as we compassionately prioritize ourselves alongside the relationship and do not focus exclusively on "fixing" the other person.

If you want to stop attracting the same unsatisfying romantic experiences, it’s time to love doula yourself. Here’s how:

1. Make the subconscious conscious. Name your pattern and see it for what it is. There can be an epiphany to realize that you are the common denominator in your relationship history. That realization can be the end of excuses and the beginning of empowering yourself to change the people you choose, the quality of your interactions, and whether you stay or let go.
2. Name that this stems from childhood trauma, which created a tendency to fantasize about love and the potential of love to save you. I’m not trying to be a downer about the beauty and potential of love, but if it’s not coming from a healthy place, it becomes two people stuck in a trauma bond.
3. Recognize the role of fantasy during and after the relationship (a byproduct of the trauma). During the relationship, you fantasized that if you just worked hard enough, the other person would heal and rise to love you unconditionally. But then, once it ends, and they’re with someone else, you fantasize they’ve taken all you taught them and applied it to a new relationship. You might feel mad that your healing efforts are benefiting a new partner. But this leaves you stuck in an illusion that keeps you in the role of victim, as the one not chosen, and as that child who lacked agency. I worked with Lauren to let go of the illusion that her ex’s new relationships were perfect. We agreed that unless these men actually did a lot of self-growth work, they were likely repeating their same behaviors with someone who puts up with it. Granted, it can feel unfair to think that a new partner is benefiting from all the ways you tried to heal your ex. Remember that, in all likelihood, they probably aren’t that different. And if they are, your heart can feel satisfied that you helped someone become healthier.
4. Shine a light on your pattern. Turn all that love inward. Look at how skilled you were at believing in the other person, seeing their potential, rooting for them, being patient with them, and know that you hold the power to give that to yourself. Believe in yourself, believe in your path, and believe in your potential. Learn how to receive. Learn that you have a right to boundaries. Know that you are worthy of the love you want.
5. Release relationship trauma from your body. Trauma lives in our bodies but is expressed in our relationships. In order to not repeat this dynamic, find outlets for the stuck emotional patterns that live in your body. Find ways to increase your window of emotional tolerance and regulate your nervous system through yoga and working with a somatic psychologist. This will prevent you from looking for someone else to be your savior as a way to distract you from your discomfort because you'll have tools to shine light on your pain and release it from within.

These love doula relationships can be catalysts for your growth, so be grateful for their teachings. There is some person, project, or purpose greater out there waiting to receive your energy. You may have been hurt in the past and have scars from these relationships, but these very scars bring wisdom, depth, and an opportunity for self-love.