3 Ways to Free Yourself From Chronic People-Pleasing

The label “people-pleaser” refers to someone who is exceedingly helpful and accommodating to others. And, while these are wonderful traits to have, there’s a shadow side to this personality style when it’s out of balance. Constantly putting others first is now understood to be a trauma response, the byproduct of past trauma. Over time, this can lead to harmful self-neglect.

Origins of People-Pleasing

Where does the people-pleasing tendency come from? It can be tied to a fear of abandonment, caused by relational trauma from childhood or youth that severed the person’s trust in relationships. At some point in their life, they learned that having boundaries, asserting their needs, and showing their true colors would lead to blame, shame, judgment, or separation.

For example, imagine a child expressing strong feelings, as they often do, and their parent responding with two options: Sit still and be quiet so you can remain with the group or continue crying and go to your room alone. The message this child absorbs is that expressing how they feel and having needs is too much for others, whereas shoving their feelings away means they get to be included. Think of how confusing this is for a child, whose most essential emotional need is to be seen, valued, and belong. This can lead to adult people-pleasers who sacrifice being their true selves and struggle to maintain self-regulation because they put their needs last.

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Not only does this create distorted mental beliefs about one's self, but it also creates corresponding physical patterns in the form of "fawning." Most people are aware of the more common nervous system responses—fight, flight, and freeze—but fawning (or appeasing) is now more widely recognized among trauma experts and therapists. Fawning is the use of people-pleasing to avoid or reduce conflict, feel more safe and secure with another person, and earn the approval of others. It was first coined by Pete Walker in his book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. At times, fawning can be necessary and advantageous, especially in a power differential such as deferring to your boss at work or with a police officer who pulls you over. But when it’s a chronic response style, it can be physically draining and diminish a person's self-worth.

Healing From Chronic People-Pleasing

Here are three ways to heal chronic people-pleasing:

1. Cultivate mental and physical self-awareness: Since people-pleasers are so focused on others' well-being, it’s important you turn that lens inward. Check in with yourself throughout the day to monitor your emotional, physical, and relational needs. Notice when you go into a fawning nervous system response and practice coming into your body with breathing and moving that can center, ground, and re-orient you, all ways to help you practice self-agency. This allows a shift from a reactive mind to a rational mind, helping you recognize and implement your needs in the moment.
2. Develop boundaries: Advocate for your own needs. Regularly remind yourself that self-care is your right. Recognize that it's OK to say no. Although the people who have benefited from your lack of boundaries may push back when you start having them, it doesn’t take away from your right to have them. Having limits is a way to preserve your energy and give back to yourself so you can show up as your best self. Pay attention to your body boundaries as well—those messages from your physical body that signal your limits. In fact, if you haven’t learned to say no, at some point, your body will say it for you. For example, I’ve worked with couples in which one person didn’t feel they could verbally say no to their partner’s attempts at intimacy. Over time, the disinterested partner’s body built up a wall of armor that shut them down. This is one example of why it’s important to not override your body's messages.
3. Let go of others' opinions: It’s natural to want to be liked, but it’s an illusion to expect that everyone will like us. Humans are complicated beings and it’s not possible to be liked by everyone all the time. Start by learning to let go of what some people might think about you. Keep in mind there may be times when people project opinions onto you which are not your truth, your fault, or your responsibility. Give yourself credit for your underlying intentions with others and the ways you try your best. Beyond that, surrender control about what others think about you to save yourself a lot of time and energy.