Love Myths That Interfere With Healthy Relationships

Love and relationships evolve with the times. But our cultural beliefs about them can be harder to shift. The standard “heteronormative” narrative about relationships is full of myths and manipulations. The fairy tales we heard growing up around romantic relationships left us with a narrow definition of love and unrealistic expectations about what’s acceptable. In this post, let me dispel two myths that can cause us more heartache than happiness:

Myth 1: Love heals all. Love has the power to redeem or rescue you, and the power of your love heals all their wounds.

My response: Not exactly.

Just as we have to recognize our own potential and the potential of love, we also have to recognize our own limits and the limits of love. Someone else’s love alone cannot "fix" you. (First of all, you are not broken.) Nor can your love "save" them. Although it might come from a kind place, it’s also a bit egotistical to think we are that magical.

We all need close relationships, but those relationships need to be with people who can nurture us in return. If you are capable of giving love, you need to be with someone capable of loving you in return. Of course, no relationship is perfect; there can be a sprinkling of dysfunction in even the healthiest ones. But if you think your love will cure the deep, dark wounds in someone else—when they aren’t willing to do the work of self-development—you’ll likely be disappointed. Instead, you run the risk of creating a toxic dynamic. I’m not dissing the power of love, and, as I’ll share in part three of this series, love for the sake of it in the spiritual sense is phenomenal and healing.

Myth 2: Long-term relationships are the epitome of emotional intimacy.

My response: Yes, and…

Some multidecade relationships are examples of deep emotional and physical intimacy, while some are two roommates bickering at each other for years. This emphasis on longevity as the gold standard has become a bit tiresome. Forever or long-term relationships are not inherently better than shorter-lasting relationships, even though that’s what most of us have been led to believe. This notion makes everyone who is not in a relationship with the same person their whole adult life feel like there’s something wrong with them. And there isn’t.

I’ve been fascinated by relationships throughout my career and have studied the different theories about what tethers us and why it matters. I’ve even done my own “field research” on the topic leading to lots of learning along the way. What I've seen is that people trudge through unhealthy relationships for three main reasons: kids, finances, and the fear of being alone. With so much emphasis on being partnered in our culture, people fear being single far more than they fear the pain of staying in something that’s become extinct (even though they might be quite lonely in the partnership anyway). And often when people do leave, they immediately jump into another relationship. I encourage the moments between relationships as pivotal times to reset and reconnect with yourself. It can help you eventually find someone who’s capable of holding your heart when the time is right.

Honor the space in between relationships.

Source: lilartsy/Pexels

So it's time we shatter the myth that staying together forever equals success, and uncoupling equals failure. I had a client who felt such shame after giving everything she had to a 10-year relationship. How was it a failure if she grew and surrendered to deeply loving someone for a whole decade? It’s like my friend who runs 100-mile ultramarathons. He once collapsed at mile 94 and couldn’t finish the race and was depressed for weeks afterward. Even though he ran a whopping 94 miles! May we all recognize the potential injury of staying in the race too long, because sometimes walking away is quite healthy and wise.

Our culture encourages married coupledom through tax breaks and shared health insurance, leaving many people trapped in marital “arrangements.” I worry about the folks unhappily stuck with each other in silence. If we could share our feelings about the challenges of long-term relationships more openly, we’d be able to support one another and feel less ashamed. Of course, there are many happy, healthy long-term relationships out there—those just aren’t the people who come to me for psychotherapy!

Part two of this series looks at the myth to be totally selfless in love and how it can actually cause more disconnection. In my third and last installment, I discuss the myth of finding a soulmate and share the ways your relationship can be a valuable teacher, perhaps even a spiritual practice.