Does Bumble Reject or Perpetuate Gender Roles?

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Apple just awarded the dating app Bumble a “2021 Trend of the Year Award.”

In case you’ve been faithfully partnered, happily single, or looking for love the old-fashioned way, Bumble is one of the many dating apps out there in cyber-space. They pride themselves on being unique; after a man and a woman match, things only progress if the woman makes the first move. She has 24 hours to initiate a message or their match disappears. If a match is between two people of the same gender, it's fair game for either to write first.

Apple commended Bumble for challenging antiquated gender norms which have suggested that women should be pursued rather than take the first step.

As a psychologist who studied feminist psychology in graduate school, spent decades as a relationship therapist with an abundance of single women on my caseload, and the daughter and granddaughter of feminists, I wondered if this is actually something most women appreciate.

Is Bumble helping to overturn systemic sexism or another way the modern woman is expected to carry the burden?

Some app users may find the message that women should empower themselves and lean in yet another obligation on their plate. There’s a difference between putting women first and putting women to work.

My female clients tend to be educated, professional, motivated go-getters in all areas of their life. Some of them don’t need to be reminded to empower themselves, they need to be reminded that they shouldn’t have to do everything, and that they deserve to receive, free from guilt.

On the other hand, some women may appreciate that they get to set the tone for connecting; for others it might help them feel less anticipation about who will start the conversation.

Bumble’s method also has the potential to recruit passive men, the very thing my clients complain to me about. They are sick of the man-child who grew up with a helicopter mom. She cleaned his room for him and brought him snacks while he toiled away playing video games. My clients want a grown man with emotional intelligence who can be vulnerable, honest, and thoughtful. Not someone who expects her to be his new mommy.

I don’t know of any evidence that a woman saying “hi” first translates to her connecting with an immature guy, but I do know many women feel exhausted by the game-playing and avoidance of honesty they’ve experienced from men. I’ve heard numerous stories about them getting “ghosted” (he suddenly disappears after they had a connection), “breadcrumbed” (hearing from him just enough to keep her holding on) or “simmered” (the slow fade away). Maybe a man taking initiative to write a genuine conversation-starter could be an indication of communication skills and taking initiative overall?

Rather than defying a gender stereotype, I wonder if Bumble perpetuates the ways women have long taken the lead on relational matters during the relationship as well. Shout out to all the many women out there who buy the gifts for their in-laws, run the social calendar for their partners, and instigate the deeper relationship conversations. Women taking care of men in their personal lives can also run the risk of emasculating them, leaving her less attracted. We need to cultivate and encourage men to kindly and boldly step up before and during the relationship and lead with their heart.

Who’s to say whether the man or woman making the first move on a dating app is a harbinger of a fulfilling relationship. But the saying goes, “how you do anything is how you do everything.” And some women are tired of doing everything.

To the take-action women out there seeking love, lust, or romance I say: Consider letting others pursue you at times. You're worth it.