The 13 "Disses" of Abusive Power, and the Wisdom to Cope

Source: Image by Ravi Chandra

Even the first few pages of Robert Greene’s bestselling book The 48 Laws of Power turned my stomach intensely. I had to put it down. Later, I heard a prominent writer recommend the book to get the no-nonsense, nitty-gritty, dirty details on our humanity. The 48 Laws of Power traces many examples of sociopathic, selfish, and factional power throughout history, and it’s not pretty. We are not always pretty.

Any glance at the news, any number of Shakespeare’s plays, or a wide variety of novels, movies, TV shows, or true crime podcasts paint a similar grotesque picture, morbidly fascinating and illuminating to some, sickening to others. I am glad for other and more life-giving looks in the mirror, shining against and in spite of bad behavior. Nurture and compassion have been the bedrock of our survival, but long-term planning for the common good has not, er, been our strongest suit.

As I wrote in my last post, we have quite an ambivalent inheritance, and “society keeps the score.” Indeed society and culture are co-creations. What we put in determines a lot of what we get out, and it is imperative to give better than we get. Everyone has limits, though, on how much they can take, and I don’t advise anyone being a doormat. I do my best to live by the Zen saying “Do not take offense, even when it is offered,” but I’m only human, and I’m very sensitive to offenses delivered by the powerful upon the more vulnerable.

But Big Things, “Big” People, and abusive power do not do well with the Thirteen Disses: Disturbance, Distress, Dissatisfaction (including discontent, disgruntlement, and disenchantment), Disconnection (including dissociation and discombobulation), Disruption, Disappointment, Disagreement, Disobedience, Dysfunction, Distortion, Disdain (including disrespect, disregard, devaluation, and contempt), Disability, and the Disproportionate.

Indeed, Big Things, “Big” People, and abusive power like to deliver the disses to others so they don’t have to deal with them. But the disses are all a double-edged sword. They can deliver us on a drive for change and growth, or drive us against each other and against ourselves. A lot depends on our inner and outer resources.

How each of us copes with the Thirteen Disses determines the warp and woof, the lift and drag, in our continually co-created individual and collective psyches and cultures.

Disturbance

Abusive power likes to aggressively quell “disturbance.” Wisdom knows that disturbance is a transmission of suffering, and responds with mindfulness, compassion, and creativity. The princess of myth covers up the pea with another mattress. Shouldn't she look for the pea instead?

Distress

The First Noble Truth of the Buddha is that “life entails suffering.” Yet abusive power is in aggressive flight from distress and vulnerability, thinking that it suffers less when it makes others suffer more. Wisdom knows mitakuye oyasin, or “we are all related.” As Chief Seattle said, “Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.” Or as Solomon Burke, Ray Charles, Hiroshima, and many others have sung, “None of us are free, if one of us is chained.”

Dissatisfaction (including Discontent, Disgruntlement, and Disenchantment)

Dissatisfaction is the most literal translation of “dukkha,” or the suffering the Buddha taught about. Often it’s described as “having what one doesn’t want, and wanting what one doesn’t have.” Our culture seems to think that we should always have what we want and not have what we don’t want, and that’s nice as far as it goes, but the unrestrained, endless pursuit of one’s wants can run us individually and collectively off a cliff. There is wisdom in satisfaction, contentment, and self-restraint.

Disconnection (Including Dissociation and Discombobulation)

According to relational cultural theory, disconnection is at the root of suffering, and belonging is the opposite of suffering. We are deeply social and interdependent beings. Fostering connection to each other and a bigger, inclusive picture relieves suffering. Abusive power attempts to disconnect us. An aggressively individualistic, factionalistic, antagonistic culture creates suffering and disconnection.

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Disruption

Disruption is a buzzword in Silicon Valley, business, and politics. Disruption happens. We can meet disruption with thoughtfulness and concern for people, allowing us to grow to meet challenges, or we can put profits ahead of people and allow disruption to make abuse a more prominent feature of society.

Disappointment

Everyone has to deal with disappointment. What do we do when reality does not meet our expectations? Wisdom says, “When you’re disappointed, look at who made the appointment.” But many of us have knee-jerk reflexes to blame others when we are disappointed. We all need to cultivate personal and cultural accountability for disappointment and harm visited by systems designed to disappoint vulnerable populations.

Disagreement

How do we deal with disagreement? Can we disagree with class, or do we persecute those we disagree with? Can we approach disagreements with empathy and curiosity, or does might make right? Wisdom says, “You can be right or related, right or happy. The world is divided into those who are right.” As 19th-century journalist Henry Adams wrote, “One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible.” “Friendship,” he continued, “needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim.” Can we disagree and use the conflict to become better friends? Or do we make disagreements an all-or-nothing fight to the death?

Disobedience

How do we deal with disloyalties, from betrayal and antagonism to the more subtle disobediences of people simply being their autonomous selves and not aligning with you or your needs at any given moment? David Richo writes, in The Five Things We Cannot Change, “people are not as loving and loyal as we’d like them to be.” Wisdom is acceptance and even support of each other’s autonomy while remembering our shared humanity.

Dysfunction

There’s a lot of dysfunction, from the interpersonal (and even intrapsychic) to the global. How do we take care of ourselves and each other as we keep growing to better understand dysfunction and do our best to alleviate its impact, especially on the vulnerable and our own vulnerability? Wisdom tells us we are all in this together and that we must listen to and learn from each other to minimize harms. Love and compassion allow us to creatively cope with our collective dysfunctions and turn toward functional care.

Distortion

Abusers, extreme narcissists, and sociopaths are said to emit a “reality distortion field”—they're gaslighters. Coping with gaslighters requires clear-headed resolve, reality-testing, and allyship.

Disdain, Disrespect, Disregard, Devaluation, and Contempt

Every power structure needs a bad object. I wish our collective bad object was inequity. But all too often, any of us can fall into hatred and contempt for others. When the rich and powerful hold others in contempt, it’s dangerous for society. According to couples researchers John and Julie Gottman, contempt is the worst indicator for relationships. Rapid devaluation is a cardinal feature of covert narcissism.

Disability and Vulnerability

While the culture is growing in sensitivity to vulnerability, there’s a lot of denial as well. Abusive power mocks and scorns vulnerability and disability as "weakness" and "abnormality." I’m always inspired by people who change their lives around to care for family and friends, who are sick, disabled, or vulnerable. An elderly Russian immigrant couple once praised America to me, saying how much they admired curb cuts and kneeling buses, which especially help the elderly and disabled. When I tripped over a curb recently, I remembered the carefully kept, flat sidewalks of Japan. I imagine there are far fewer trips and falls there, and they have a lot of older residents. Designing for disability makes sense for many reasons, but we are all subject to illness and disability. By looking out for the most vulnerable and the common good, we are really looking out for ourselves.

The Disproportionate

Let’s face it, the whole is bigger than any one of us. I’m sure that abusive power feels threatened by the whole, triggering its aggression to remain “on top.” This is a disproportionate reaction. But any of us can get triggered into disproportionate reactions. Our feelings can tell a disproportionate story. We are facing disproportionate challenges, from AI to climate change. The challenge of our day is scaling up our personal and collective tale to match our disproportionate challenges. Abusive power amplifies fear, resentment, grievance, and hatred when faced with disproportionate challenges.

“Dr. Chandra and the Thirteen Disses” sounds like it would make an interesting memoir. How will yours read?

And will the US be divided into an uncertain split, or make progress towards a unifying story of dealing with the disses?

© 2024 Ravi Chandra, M.D., D.F.A.P.A.