Conflict: The Ignored Path to Personal and Relational Growth

Source: Geraldine Dukes/Pixabay

Life is full of conflict. Not everything will happen our way. Every single relationship is doomed sooner or later to hit a "T" junction where you can't just "agree to disagree," and you must face the storm.

People are different. That’s why human relationships are always sloppy, full of inevitable misunderstandings, conflicts, and communication failures, which is why many relationship experts think in terms of “conflict management” rather than "conflict resolution." It Is not necessarily about solving the (insolvable) conflicts; it is about remaining open and flexible within those heated areas.

Why does conflict get such a bad reputation?

Most of us grew up with a core belief that conflict is bad/deadly/should be avoided. We learned from a young age that harmony and peace are the desirable states of relationships. Western society is in an era where conflict is either avoided completely through liberal discourse or acted out uncontrollably through violence and aggression. It all starts in our intimate relationship, where we find it hard to engage with conflicts in a generative manner.

Are you a turtle or a thunderstorm?

Overall there are two strategies that people employ when faced with conflict. They are those who are avoiders (turtles) or exploders (thunderstorms)[1]. We learn these conflict management strategies from our families of origin (also called inter-generational family scripts), and they are also affected by our gender, temperament, and environment.

Thunderstorms

• Grew up in homes where conflict was a common and normative communication form.
• They usually enjoy conflicts and see them as a way to express themselves, blow off steam, or just deal with the reality of the relationship.
• They can go from 0 to 100 in seconds but usually calm down just as fast.
• What they feel is often passion and vitality in their storminess (although the turtles judge them as angry, aggressive, and out of control).
• They seek to meet and express their feelings to a partner who is receptive, solid, and open.
• If there is no partner to meet them, after they peak with anger, they might break down to despair, tears, and feelings of guilt.
• They usually don’t hold on to the anger or insult feelings after the conflict has passed.
• Sometimes they feel superior to their “repressed” turtle.

Turtles

• Grew up in homes where conflict was either out of control (violent) or forbidden.
• They usually avoid conflict at any cost and would rather avoid, repress, smoke screen, or retreat than confront.
• The moment a situation gets hot, they retreat into their shell, where they might feel fear or anger toward the thunderstorm, feel sorry for themselves, even despair from the “useless” fight occurring now.
• They usually experience themselves as regulated and grounded (while the thunderstorm judges them as cold, scared, or immature).
• They prefer to wait for the thunderstorm to calm down so that they “can talk.”
• They will hold on to the fear and anger long after the fight has ended.
• This will lead to a retreat or avoidance of their partner for a while.
• Sometimes, when pushed too far, the turtle will explode out of their shell, spewing all the aggression that has been held pent up for the past period of time.
• Sometimes they feel superior to their “immature” thunderstorm.

Oftentimes, couples are composed of a turtle and a thunderstorm, due to the complementary nature of the roles.

The unsuccessful fight script

1. The typical thunderstorm/turtle cycle starts with a discussion about a sensitive topic.
2. Then the thunderstorm raises the stakes by bringing more passion or zest (what the turtle experiences as anger or aggression).
3. Immediately the turtle retreats to their shell (through stonewalling or freezing) and waits for the storm to be over.
4. Sometimes the turtle will tell the thunderstorm to “calm down,” which will just make the thunderstorm more frustrated.
5. Other times, the thunderstorm will use raise their voice or use harsher words in a futile attempt to get the turtle out of their shell and to react.
6. The escalation cycle is now complete: The more the thunderstorm storms, the more the turtle retreats. This sometimes solidifies as an overall rigid pursuer/distancer dynamic in the relationship.
7. This cycle will continue until the turtle explodes with shouting or exiting the space, or the thunderstorm peaks, gives up trying to talk, and retreats.
8. The fight is over but both partners are alone and avoid each other for a couple of hours or days.

The original argument never gets discussed or resolved because both parties don’t want to fight again. As a consequence, this topic remains dormant until the next time.

Both of these approaches are incomplete; they need the other to become better at conflict engagement. Thunderstorms need the calm and regulation of the turtles. Turtles would benefit from the passion and expressiveness of the thunderstorm.

Conflicts: More than just fighting

The strongest relationships are full of cycles of ruptures and repairs, with each cycle helping to increase the fit of the relationship.

How to fight generatively?

Through conscious, focused effort and attention, you can soften your limiting core beliefs about conflict and rewire your brain to engage more effectively with conflict.

Before a conflict:

• Share this post with your partner so you have a common language.
• Reflect on your core beliefs and inter-generational family scripts around conflict.
• Trust that conflicts help solidify your sense of self as well as manage the unavoidable differences with your partner. Choose to see your relationship as a crucible that can help you grow.
• Recognize whether you are more a turtle or a thunderstorm and try to assess your partner’s conflict tendency.

Anger Essential Reads

The Best Ways to Manage Anger

Mastering Irrational Anger—Yours and Others'

During a conflict:

• Whenever a conflict arises in your relationship, slow down and follow these guidelines:
• If you are starting to flood, then break state. Click to read more on how to resolve flooding.
• Broadcast live. Speak your feelings in the here-and-now (also called self-exposure).
• Stay in the heat of the crucible. Hold onto yourself and remain open and close.
• Avoid The Holy Trinity of blocking. Don't get surprised, insulted or disappointed.
• Let it land. Be open to your partner's pain, complaints or criticisms. Let those (burning) feelings flow through your body. Relax your jaw and open your fists.
• Maintain play. Play will help you maintain perspective. This will enable you to initiate repair attempts and "take twos.”
• Take full responsibility for your part in the situation. Own your shadow so that your partner can see that you are open and that they can also lower their defenses.
• Develop meaningful endurance: the belief that meaningful growth requires going through pain, conflict, and heat.

If you dare to lean into conflicts over time you may have a deeper appreciation of them as opportunities for growth. You will find a better balance between your turtle and thunderstorm abilities. This will help you meet and express more sides of yourself while creating a differentiated intimate relationship. It’s easier said than done, but conflicts are indeed the ignored path toward growth.