Are You Too Efficient in Your Relationship?

Prioritize presence over productivity at home.

Source: Photo by Galit Romanelli

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.

I love being efficient and getting things done.

I try to stay focused and efficient during working hours. But when my kids were born, hundreds of tasks were added to my to-do list, and it was hard for me to stop being efficient at home.The kids felt like yet another "task." At the end of the workday, I would begin to operate them through the evening routine, trying to stay one step ahead. I wasn’t enjoying time with them or my wife. It was only after they went to bed and the house quieted down that I could finally relax on the couch, snack on something, and be present with my wife.

It took me a few years to realize that in my pursuit of efficiency, I was missing out on my family.

E-FISH-NET

We’re constantly searching for tips and hacks to speed things up, to get more done in less time, to be the perfect multitaskers. At work and at school, we’re rewarded for efficiency, planning, execution, and high productivity. Efficiency is about achieving maximum results with minimum effort.

I refer to being efficient as a trap, an E-fish-net. Like a fishing net that catches everything, efficiency grabs our attention from all directions, preventing us from being present. Efficiency pulls our minds away from the moment, but our bodies always remain in the present. The gap between our efficient, overstimulated minds and our present bodies often leads to stress, frustration, pain, or fatigue.

When we insist on being efficient, speeding things up and getting things done, we miss out on what truly matters—being present with each other. Efficiency can drain us. The effort to do more in less time causes our minds to be in several places at once.

And while we’re busy operating (doing), we aren’t truly present (being) in the moment. We don’t give our loved ones the gift of our full attention. Our kids and relationships aren’t just another task—they are the essence of life. They are the source of vitality and meaning in our lives.

When both partners are efficiency devotees, couples race forward, but they struggle to connect and be vulnerable. When one partner is super-efficient and the other is not, impatience and frustration typically arise.

Relational freedom requires scaling back the pursuit of efficiency and enjoying the moment without planning or maximizing. When we slow down and are less efficient, suddenly we have more time, space, curiosity, waiting, boredom, and surprise. At the end of the day, a relationship isn’t a work project with a deadline. It’s a space where you can play, live, and truly be present.

I started wondering what I could do differently at home to help me slow down and just be. I decided to take off my watch right after the last session of the day. This small act symbolizes a shift in phase for me. I’m no longer trying to finish or get things done; I’m returning to the natural rhythm of life.

The second step was to put on an apron when I get to the kitchen after work. The apron signals to me that now I’m in home mode—now I’m doing things differently than during the rest of my day. The third step was to put my phone on silent mode and try not answer any calls until the kids go to bed.

How to Be Less Efficient in Relationships

Reflect.

Explore your core beliefs about efficiency. If you find that efficiency is a key value or rigid belief, then begin to soften or expand that belief by adopting a more flexible outlook about productivity at home.

Celebrate boredom.

Sometimes, when we’re not doing anything, deep moments of connection or creativity emerge. Instead of chasing tasks, allow yourselves to get bored together and discover how boredom can lead to unexpected conversations or experiences.

Remember.

Relationships aren’t about efficiency. The best way to strengthen your friendship and love is through shared time and presence.

Soften.

Lower expectations and standards. Embrace the mediocre and the “good enough.” Breathe through the “wasted” time with your partner or family, and adopt a playful attitude toward efficiency in your relationship.

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Pause.

At the end of the workday, before reuniting with your loved ones or kids, stop (even outside the house) and take a few deep breaths.

Agenda-free time.

Set aside time for your relationship in which there is no goal or plan. No phones, no to-do lists. Just being together. This could be going for a walk, sitting on the porch, having purposeless conversations, or just hanging out in the living room without any particular direction.

Slow down.

Try doing everyday tasks together at a slower pace—washing dishes, cooking, tidying the house. The shared presence in the slowed activities can bring more connection. Do one thing at a time. If you're eating together, be fully present.

Turn small moments into rituals.

You can infuse meaning and ritual into small, everyday moments. Small rituals, like drinking morning coffee together, can become anchor points in your connection.

Relish inefficiency.

Instead of feeling guilty when you’re not being efficient, turn it into an opportunity. Smile, play, and see how “wasting time” can bring you a sense of lightness and release.

Enjoy the gap.

If one of you is more efficient and the other less, try to see the difference as a gift rather than as a problem. This difference can bring balance and life to your relationship. Lean into inefficiency as a way to return to the here and now.

The opposite of efficiency is presence.

To be present is literally a gift. Give this gift to your loved ones.

Next time you find yourself trying to be super-efficient in your relationship, take a moment, breathe deeply, and remember: sometimes, being less efficient is exactly what your relationship needs.

Galit Romanelli is a certified relationship coach, Ph.D.-candidate, and co-director of The Potential State.