Are You Gaslighting Without Even Knowing It?

Own that you also hurt your partner sometimes.

Source: Photo by Assael Romanelli

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.

Samuel's affair began a few years after he and Sophia married. He was bored, while Sophia was busy with childbirth and raising their young children. They were no longer emotionally connected, and it wasn’t surprising that Samuel found himself involved with another woman.

For more than a year, Sophia sensed something was wrong. Samuel would come home late and he’d become secretive with his phone. When she confronted him, he’d deflect, get angry, or dismiss her concerns. Eventually, she felt guilty and doubted her instincts.

A turning point almost came after Sophia found condoms in Samuel’s carry bag. When she confronted him, he concocted a story that they were for a friend. Worn down and confused, she believed him.

Eventually, the affair blew up when Samuel's lover called Sophia, laid everything out, and the couple ended up in our clinic.

Before You Judge, Let’s Talk About Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation whereby one partner denies reality, causing the other to question themselves. It’s a phenomenon many know today; one person twists perceptions to make another doubt themselves. Samuel's behavior was classic gaslighting: He made Sophia feel like she was overreacting or imagining things.

Gaslighting manifests in various forms—emotional, social, intellectual, sexual, and more—but the pattern remains the same. Initially, the victim doubts their memories and perceptions due to their partner’s denials. Sophia would confront Samuel about suspicious behavior, only to end up more confused. As the manipulation deepens, the victim tries to protect themself, but the gaslighter challenges their reality. In the final stage, the victim identifies with the gaslighter’s version of reality, losing their sense of self.

Partners who gaslight, like Samuel, often use similar tactics. They deny facts, distort reality, and belittle their partner’s feelings, making their concerns seem insignificant or their cause for doubt exaggerated. Their most powerful weapon? Guilt and shame, which allow the gaslighter to maintain control.

Normative Benevolent Gaslighting: A Hidden Dynamic
After Samuel took responsibility for his affair, it became clear, as in most cases of infidelity, that the story wasn't one-sided.

Samuel confessed that he felt lonely and rejected in the marriage. He shared, "One time, we were having sex, I realized you were asleep." Embarrassed but not surprised, Sophia innocently responded, "I was just so tired."

Enter normative benevolent gaslighting (NBG). It’s a subtler, common form of gaslighting that hides behind good intentions. Instead of blatant deception, it's insisting that your actions are driven by love or care, while ignoring the underlying motives or feelings. Your loving words are empty; they mask your true feelings displayed in your behaviors.

For years, Sophia engaged in NBG, pretending to be deeply in love with Samuel despite having lost interest long ago. She made him believe he was still the center of her world, even though she no longer enjoyed his company or desired more time together. When Samuel expressed loneliness, she would respond, “But I love you, isn’t that enough?” Her intentions seemed genuine, but her actions dismissed Samuel’s needs.

NBG thrives in relationships, often because it's seen as concern or helping. However, the masked dynamic erodes trust and intimacy. NBG isn't about intentional harm but rather refusing to acknowledge your true feelings or the negative impact you have on your partner.

Sophia, clinging to her role as the betrayed wife, struggled to own the ways in which she distanced and blurred her true feelings. Sophia never learned to express her desires openly, leaving her in a passive, martyr-like role. Taking responsibility for her NBG meant acknowledging her own shadows—including the passive-aggressive ways she punished her husband.

Gaslighting Essential Reads

How the Meaning of Gaslighting Has Been Diluted

A New Questionnaire Measures Gaslighting Victimization

NBG is insidious because it’s so common. It's often results from fear of hard feelings in a relationship, mutual avoidance of difficult issues, or rigid socialization that prevents healthy expression of relational anger.

If they would truly want to move forward to a new marriage, Sophia would have to give up the righteous, betrayed partner role, acknowledge her own NBG, and meet Samual’s pain in the relational crucible. Samual would have to open his eyes, trust his intuition, and agree to see his wife's pain.

How to Soften (Normative Benevolent) Gaslighting

Reducing gaslighting requires honesty and integrity. Here are a few initial steps:

• Befriend your aggression: Stop thinking you're only nice. NBG thrives when partner's don't feel comfortable feeling or expressing normal marital sadism. The more you'll connect to your anger, the less you'll act it out.
• Trust your instincts: If something feels off, trust that feeling. Reconnecting with her intuition was a breakthrough for Sophia, while Samuel learned to trust his perceptions despite her denials.
• Encourage open dialogue: Create a relational culture in which both partners can own all your shadows without fear of dismissal.
• Take responsibility: Openly admit when you’ve been dismissive, ignoring or invalidating your partner. This is the foundation for a healthier relationship. When you're caught in a moment of NBG, take a step back and acknowledge it. Instead of deflecting, say, “You're right. I'm not fully honest here."
• Establish clear boundaries: Define what’s acceptable behavior that will minimize grey areas and misunderstandings.
• Seek external support: Friends, family, or a therapist can help you maintain perspective when you're confused.
• Rebuild self-confidence: Gaslighting thrives when partners don't love and respect themselves. Engage in activities that build self-esteem. Sophia took up dancing, while Samuel deepened his bond with his children and engaged in therapy.

Overcoming NBG can catapult your relationship to new heights of honesty, vulnerability, and vitality. As you dismantle unhealthy dynamics, you’ll find the courage to build a relationship rooted in empathy, respect, and real intimacy.

Galit Romanelli is acertified relationship coach, Ph.D.-candidate, and co-director of The Potential State.