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Key points
- Many partners have limiting core beliefs they adopted early in life but which can affect their relationship negatively.
- A common core belief that "your wish is my command"—that any wish your partner expresses is your responsibility to fulfill.
- The core belief leads to a symbiotic dynamic of either avoidance or martyrdom and prevents partners from evolving within the dyad.
- By softening this core belief, partners start experiencing more freedom to dream and play in the relationship.
We all hold core beliefs about relationships. Core beliefs are in fact metabeliefs; they cannot be disproved because they are all-encompassing. Here are some core beliefs that I meet in the clinic every day: “Your pain is my fault.” “Your joy is my responsibility.” “If you loved me you would know what I’m feeling.” And more. Such core beliefs leave couples somewhat fused, and their individual and relational growth is often stunted.
There is another rigid core belief that prevents couples from evolving in the relationship:
“Your wish is my command.”
If your partner desires something, it is on you to fulfill it. Many of us (especially women) have been socialized that our partner’s desires are our responsibility to fulfill. The media also creates the expectation that once we’re in a relationship, all our wishes will be fulfilled by our partner. The danger of such a belief is that it leads to a victim triangle dynamic in which partners shift between the roles of savior, victim, and persecutor.
Why? Because with this core belief, every time your partner shares a wish, you are activated and triggered to do something. You are locked into a lose-lose situation. That is, if you don’t fulfill your partner's wish, you might be seen as cold, not loving, even aggressive (read: persecutor). If you do fulfill their wish, then it creates a dynamic of you constantly working to fulfill their longings, which leads to bitterness and even contempt (read: martyr).
The lose-lose bind results in a dynamic in which each partner refrains from sharing their wants, because they don’t want to then hear their partner's desires. Couples then stop sharing their wants and desires. They start walking on egg shells around each other and don’t share their inner world. Subsequently, there’s no place in the relationship to dare to dream out loud. This results in a relationship with little play or experimentation and no personal or relational growth.
How to celebrate my partner’s wishes?
Imagine a relationship in which your dreams, faults, desires, shadow, wants, and all are not only accepted but celebrated. Imagine a dynamic in which you two can share wishes and wants openly and freely.
You can achieve that.
Like any change process of core beliefs, moving from a reactive stance to a curious witnessing of your partner’s desires will require some top-down, fake-it-till-you-make-it work.
How do you share your wishes?
- Share this post with your partner and reflect whether you two have the core belief that their wish is your command.
- Choose to believe that cutting the symbiotic emotional umbilical cord will actually give you and your partner an opportunity to grow. You can read more about how to change core beliefs here.
- Before you share your wishes, give your partner a heads-up. Remind them that they don’t need to fulfill your wish but only to listen and let It land. They don't have to do anything with your wish, just ground themselves and let you meet yourself. After all, intimacy is into-me-see, meeting yourself in the presence of your partner.
- Slowly share your aspirations. Release them in bite sizes. Share different desires you have. Start with the ones that aren’t connected to your partner (such as wanting to travel, go back to school, go to a concert); that way it will be easier for them to not react. Remember to share and not spew, which might flood and trigger your partner and prevent them from being with you.
- When you listen to their longings, breathe and listen. Be curious. Ask questions. Get excited. Remember that it is not on you to fulfill their yearnings; just be an enthusiastic witness to your partner meeting themselves.
- Enjoy and celebrate your partner’s (and your own) wishes and dreams. Be excited and hopeful with them. Share their enthusiasm and show them you’re on the same team.
These steps will help you create an environment in which each partner can meet themselves, dream big, take up space, and dare to be the biggest, best version of themselves. When you remain grounded and open, their wish will stop being your command. Their wish will become a door to their ever-evolving self and desires. You’ll be exposed to more and more dimensions and dreams of your partner—which will result in more curiosity, enjoyment, wonder, play, and attraction.
Once wishes are expressed openly and valiantly, then your relationship will become a vehicle to fulfill both of your dreams—which is why we choose to be in a relationship to begin with.
So are you ready to dream?
Facebook image: astarot/Shutterstock
