Why Are Divorce Rings Trending?

It’s trending in The New York Times, NPR, and all over pop radio. Lizzo’s “Break Up Twice,” Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger,” Sabrina Carpenter’s “Feather,” and Miley Cyrus’ “Flowers” all shout out the benefits of being alone. For women in hetero relationships, divorce rings, ballads, and Instagram and Pinterest posts celebrate breakups everywhere. And that ring, what are you supposed to do with it? You may love it, but you don’t want to keep wearing it; that’s just bad juju.

Or maybe you do? If you love the ring, sure, you can go back to the jeweler, ask them to cut it up (that could be symbolically satisfying, like severing the marriage bond), and have it made into a new ring. Or earrings or a necklace. You can forge it into your dog’s collar if you want.

But chances are, if you’re a woman, the divorce hit you hard financially. The last thing you want is to take the ring and spend a bunch of money getting it repurposed. Yuck. Better to stash it away in the bottom of your jewelry box and think about it… maybe never.

What’s going on? Women are using divorce rings (some say they should be worn prominently on the middle finger…) as a statement. Divorce rings, divorce parties, divorce night out, what have you. It’s not about the rings. It’s about the divorce. And women.

Contrary to popular belief, women initiate the majority of divorces and breakups with men and are happier and more satisfied with their lives afterward. Even when they tend to be financially strapped after a relationship dissolves, women are still happier.

We’re not sure exactly why, but landmark studies going as far back as the ’80s showed women were happier than men after divorce. Women seem to re-find a sense of themselves after a breakup. They may have abandoned their needs in the marriage or relationship and afterward set out anew to re-discover and reconstruct who they are and what they love.

Singles are also more social, and women are more social than men. Marriage is sometimes isolating, especially if it’s unhappy, and getting out of such a union opens up connections with family and friends. Positive connections have positive impacts on well-being.

Women are sad and disappointed when a relationship ends, of course. Perhaps worse. But they can feel relieved and liberated, too. They may have felt captured or trapped inside the relationship, unable to be themselves, insidiously letting go of people and pursuits they loved for the sake of the man, the marriage, and the children. It’s typical to feel ambivalence: sadness and relief, remorse and joy. You can feel all the feels. You may even experience PDE (post-divorce euphoria: That’s a thing, too; you can Google it).

I’m not saying divorce is easy. Divorce provided several of the scariest and hardest moments in my own life, so I know. But as Christine Costantino, a family law attorney who served as bar president in her state and a leader in her field, says, “After divorce, I see women display all manner of emotions: sad, relieved, scared. But they’re also optimistic about their futures. Many contact me at the one-year anniversary of their divorce and share they are thriving, thanking me for helping get them there.”

You don’t need a new ring. You marked the outset of your commitment with a wedding or bond shared with loved ones, full of ritual. Whether you want some kind of keepsake or ritual again at the end of a relationship is your call.

Spending a lot of cash is not required. Go out with your girls and ask each to toast something they hope to see in you again now that you’re “back.” Write a letter to yourself about what you commit to in this new relationship—you for you. Visit your favorite nature spot and tell the trees what you hope for and what you need. Take your kids on a day trip, bonding as a single-parent unit. Remember your favorite ice cream shop, burger, or smoothie joint on the way home. You get the idea.

Divorce is not about a ring but about making your new life yours. Because it is.