Self-Love Is a Developmental Achievement

Narcissism is a healthy and natural part of psychological development throughout one’s lifetime. This was an innovative idea when psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut first presented it in his monograph The Analysis of the Self (1971).

Kohut followed the teachings of Freud until the 1970s when he advanced a narcissistic line of development found in all individuals, the healthy as well as disturbed. He believed self-love was at the core of psychological health and lasting relationships. He defined self-love as a developmental achievement, with progressive stages from archaic to mature. His explorations led to a new therapeutic approach: self psychology, a valuable contribution to modern psychoanalysis.

Self psychology addresses the suffering some feel as they encounter difficulties regulating self-esteem. For some, self-esteem lacks stability and makes sudden and erratic shifts from feelings of greatness to those of abjection. Am I loveable? Am I good enough? Can I trust what I feel inside? Kohut worked with people who suffer from squirrely self-esteem, exploring how our primary relationships shape self-regard.

Working specifically with people with narcissistic personality disorders, he noticed the propensity to fragment under anxiety, and their vulnerability to the emotions of shame and rage. Unacknowledged shame often returns as rage. This is part of the unhinging of self. Kohut claimed finding ways to hold the self together was a priority for many individuals, not just people with NPD.

Kohut believed most people spend their lives trying to build and maintain self-esteem through the use of other people in relationships. We all need someone to lean on and that was the work of what he called “selfobjects.” This means the use of another person as an object of the self.

Selfobjects are other people who are not seen as separate, with agency and intentionality, but who are used to keep the self from falling apart. Other people are used to create narcissistic equilibrium and nourish self-regard. This was the modus operandi of people with NPD where there is no distinction between I and you. But Kohut expanded this dynamic observation (the oscillation between self-cohesion and disintegration) to propose we all utilize selfobject experience throughout our lifespan to support the unity and vitality of self. We all need a sense of self-cohesion, to be able to maintain a solid sense of self in time and space. In self psychology, the activation of such needs, one’s therapist as selfobject, is what propels the therapeutic situation.

The use of omnipotence in health and illness

Kohut described two core narcissistic configurations in relation to fantasied power: the grandiose self and the idealized parent. These two poles of the self express needs that are ubiquitous in everyone.

1. The grandiose self expresses the "mirroring" need. In this instance, another person, usually a parent, serves as a mirror that reflects back the child's sense of self-worth and value. For a child, the affirming response of another reinforces faith and confidence in the positive traits and potential within.

The grandiose self expresses the normal, healthy drive of one’s ambition, to be all that one can be in the world. For a child, this involves exhibitionism and wanting to show off to others—“Look mom, no hands!" when riding a bike. Kohut believed that wanting to be admired and appreciated was a universal need, one essential to psychic growth. This is the desire to bask in the gleam of the mother’s eye.

In adolescents this may manifest in the fantasy of being a Marvel comic superhero with extraordinary powers: Spider-Man endowed with enhanced senses and super strength, or Wolverine personifying durability and rapid healing.

2. The idealized parent image (“imago”) expresses the "idealizing" need. Self psychologists claim children have an intrinsic need to view another as omnipotent. This begins with a child’s exalted view of his or her parents, gazing up at the mother or father in admiration and awe. We have role models throughout our lives that spur us on to new psychic growth. Common among all individuals is this need to feel close to and supported by a powerful, beautiful, all-knowing Other.

Kohut argued the presence and availability of an idealized person ("object") is self-organizing. Looking up in love toward another vitalizes healthy narcissism and reinforces one’s own sense of singularity in the world. We all need icons to emulate. This enhances emotional regulation and provides cohesion and a feeling of security.

One example: when a child falls or is injured and runs to a parent for soothing comfort. We need a person who can calm us in moments of pain when we are unable to give that to ourselves.

The transformations of narcissism

Early mirroring and idealizing interactions provide the very structures of self. Childhood yearnings for omnipotent belief in oneself or an Other should be acknowledged and validated, Kohut argued. If these needs are met by an empathetic parent, over time the child gradually recognizes that their inflated perceptions of self and Other are unrealistic. The child is able to tolerate this inevitable frustration and disappointment and develop healthy and resilient narcissism. Under these circumstances, both polarities (grandiose self and idealized Other) are integrated into the personality.

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Through empathic response by the caregiver to the inevitable experiences of shortcoming and "failures" of the grandiose self and omnipotent parent image, these fantasies are not only gradually integrated, but also transformed into realistic ambitions and ideals.

It’s when this affirmation is missing, due to an overcritical, misattuned, or absent parent, that a person continues to rely on admiration from others and external sources of acclaim for the nourishment of self-esteem. Kohut believed this is when dysfunctional narcissistic qualities of character develop.

Self psychology is a model of self-actualization. Both the grandiose self and the idealized Other are cornerstone psychological structures, vibrant sources of strength and healthy narcissism. They ultimately form the basis of what Kohut called a person's "intrinsic design," an individual's unique purpose in the world, which grows from within. This is one’s internal plan of action for his or her time on Earth, what he described as the "life curve" of being.