How to Parent Philosophically

Source: Rowman and Littlefield, used with permission

Parents certainly think about parenting plenty. To our non-parenting friends, it may even seem that we talk about it nearly non-stop.

But is it possible that, despite the attention we give it and the all-consuming nature of its modern version, parenting is actually something about which we are very unphilosophical?

Tranquility parenting

Author Brittany Polat makes this case succinctly in her new book Tranquility Parenting: A Guide to Staying Calm, Mindful, and Engaged: We’re not likely to have a parenting philosophy, not if we do not even have a personal philosophy (a rare thing that someone would be sure to know about having). You’d have to have a philosophy of life (that you can share and articulate) before fashioning from it a philosophy of parenting. One simply requires the other.

Of course, as any working philosopher who has mentioned their job title while seated next to a (type of!) stranger on a plane knows, people also might very well think that they have a personal philosophy, but, when offered up, it just peters out after a few sentences. We are attracted to some ideas, we have a few firm beliefs, we sure know what we don’t like, but having an actual personal philosophy is pretty unusual. And I think, just like Polat points out, discussions of parenting reflect that.

We do have the benefits of very well-done research on child development, well-being, and family dynamics, of course, but these are not going to supply any type of “personal philosophy” to readers by themselves. We might be warned of a few behaviors, but they are probably ones we had a hunch were not great in the first place. We do get lots of reporting in the mainstream press, and sometimes it reflects research (parents are less happy than others!).

But when it comes to advice or guidance, we get the very watered-down common sense (talk to your child about…). Maybe we get some outrage about noxious trends (the free-range parenting movement comes to mind). And we do have some role modeling on Instagram, some very reflective writers on there share some of the ups and downs of their experience with parenting along with photo proof. But none of this will replace an actual philosophy of parenting.

And what would a philosophy of parenting even be?

Well, this is where I think Polat’s book is so helpful, as it is based on an actual philosophy, an ethical theory (stoic virtue ethics). This means, like with all well-developed moral approaches in philosophical ethics, that we have been supplied answers, provisional, of course, to a very long list of relevant questions.

Stoic virtue ethics, for example, has an account of:

• The kind of moral psychology with which humans work
• The kind of thing we should aim for in our lives
• The way to measure success
• What counts as wrong and right behavior
• What temptations mislead us and where we go wrong
• What emotional reactions mean
• The kind of self-conception we ought to have
• The kind of self-conceptions that will make us unhappy
• What happiness is
• The kind of control we have over our happiness
• The meaning of our chosen roles in life
• The importance of our obligations to others

Other developed ethical theories, such as the sort ethicists develop in their books, have answers to these questions as well, different answers, of course. In fact, we probably all really differ in rather significant ways about what we think probably helps explain the paucity of public discussion on parenting. But this is no reason to suggest we find consensus; it might be far better to merely become more philosophical and highlight these differences. My point is just that until you take up this range of questions, you probably do not have a personal philosophy robust enough to inform the daily questions that parenting makes relevant.

Of course, even with an ethical theory, it’s not like whether to ever lie to a child is an easy thing to settle, but it does seem wrong to think these larger questions somehow interfere with getting to smaller questions. Lying to a child you are trying to get to sleep is no easier if you lack a view on what the point of life ought to be, in other words, but having thought about lying does not somehow distract you from immediate concerns. And I also worry, as I look around for what is on offer, that what might come off as mere common-sense advice about parenting dilemmas can often depend on some inchoate but ultimately objectionable answers to the above questions. Better for us all if others, especially those telling us how to parent, could be upfront about their exact values. Better to have one's philosophical ducks in a row.

Parenting Essential Reads

When Excessive Praising of Kids Backfires

When Children Say, 'It’s Not Fair!'

Polat’s book is a great illustration of how that can happen. She shows how a larger framework (What do my reactions mean?) can help with the practical decision-making a parent never stops doing. (potty training, sharing, responses to directions, the nitty-gritty.) She brings ethical theory to these issues and also in a way that is far more reader-friendly than an academic discussion of ethics (which is not reader-friendly by either design or intention).

She begins the book by laying out the claims that Stoic ethics makes, the ones about life itself, about you as a person living a life, not just parenting. As she puts it, when she “learned about Stoicism,” she knew she had found what she was looking for. "Instead of stumbling blindly down a dark path, I suddenly had a compass for moving in the right direction. I felt like I was no longer on my own. I might not always get things right, but with the wisdom of the ages behind me, at least I knew which way to go.”

She continues, “Once you understand which questions to ask, and how to answer those questions properly, you will have a clearer sense of what to do as a person and as a parent. For example, how should I be as a parent? How should I act and interact with my child? How does being a parent fit in with the rest of my life (relationships, work, personal interests, etc.)?”

In the rest of the book, she shows how having as-thorough-a-personal-philosophy-as-one-can (stoicism is certainly one such example; sitting next to a Stoic on a plane and asking them their views would get you responses longer than any flight) is helpful in the most immediate and clear ways (and that means even in the middle of the night when the baby is crying, and you've gotten precisely four minutes of sleep since getting up the last time).