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Sport and Competition
Is It Competition or Bullying?
Winning at the Other’s Expense
Posted March 15, 2012
Competitions that emphasize sportsmanship and fairness have had a long history of acceptance in our society. But competition becomes something else when it starts to send the message that winning is all⎯in any way you can⎯and at any cost to another. That kind of competition crosses over to become a form of bullying or "killer" competition.
There are scores of articles about the positive value of competition. After all, what would the Academy Awards be if⎯instead of "and the winner is"⎯there was "and the six winners are." Competition is seen as being important to building and succeeding in the business world; acting as the core driving force of athletics⎯be it professional, amateur or student; providing a crucial motivating factor for many kinds of activities that form the basis of our various cultures; even naturally⎯between living organisms which co-exist in the same environment. But these articles are defining competition as contests that reinforce learning, allow for moving forward, and even enhance survival. The essence of "killer" or destructive competition is an exact opposite, reaching into all facets of our social interactions. It appears in one form or another in business, family dynamics and all forms of sports activity.
Competition between children has its supporters and detractors, with the scale tilting to it being good for children in moderation. It is seen as important in helping children learn how to deal with winning and losing and is a motivating force for children to develop new skills, gain competence and succeed academically. But there is overwhelming agreement that extreme competition can be devastating for a child, particularly when too much emphasis is put on being "the best." There is also agreement that extreme competition is particularly damaging when it causes a child to feel humiliated or is done just for the parents' benefit. Anyone who has sat through a school athletic game and watched an irate father or mother berate their son or daughter for "a lousy performance" can both sympathize with the child and imagine how that child is being affected. Some of those same children grow up to play professional sports with sometimes devastating results.
For example, there was just a report that a winning professional football team rewarded its players a bonus if members of the other team were attacked with enough force to not only cause them to leave the game, but possibly be out of play for a longer period of time. Not only would this tactic increase the chance that the first team would win the game, it could also make a difference if the two teams were in a series. This is winning at any cost to another(s) and in any way you can. Athletic competitions, tied to lucrative financial rewards, are cited for an individual's or teams overly aggressive behavior. The use of steroids to gain a winning advantage has increasingly distorted the competitive spirit of professional sports as well as the validity of the participating players, some of whom have lost their high scoring records when proven to have lied about their drug use.
I have found the competition between and among family members to also be particularly damaging. Over the years I have worked with a number of individuals who had been caught in both overt and covert patterns of competitiveness, resulting in enduring issues of poor self-esteem, low self-worth and confusion about their ability to perform any number of tasks. A father who destructively competes with his son sends a message that the son had better not win the competition. It may start at first with games and sports, but continue into adulthood guaranteeing that the son will not reach a higher⎯or even equal⎯level of success than his father has achieved. The mother (or step-mother) who needs to be "the fairest of them all" does not make an exception for her young daughter. Just think of what Snow White had to endure. The first-born child in a family, feeling insecure and no longer special with the arrival of the new baby, can play out those feelings by having to consistently best the younger child. This pattern is particularly damaging to both children if the parents choose not to intervene. It sends a message of support for the older child's bullying behavior and a message to the younger child of being less important. Cousins can get caught in acting out competitions among themselves that represent the issues that stir their pot as well as being the echoes of the competitions among the adults in the family. And adults in a family can get caught in both the competitions among themselves as well as the echoes of competitions of previous generations.
Sometimes the destructive competition is well hidden, acting as something quite different. An example of this is Aunt Bell and her chocolate cake. Aunt Bell was known for her wonderful chocolate cake and was very generous in sharing her recipe. The young women in the family would invariably ask her for the recipe and she would always freely offer it. Each young cousin attempted to make the cake⎯not once but several times⎯but none were able to achieve their aunt's degree of lightness, flavor and overall deliciousness. All were discouraged with their baking skills and one even withdrew from a baking contest in her local community because she felt like such a failure as a baker. One day the cousins, having gotten together for a birthday celebration, started comparing the chocolate cake recipe that Aunt Bell had given each of them⎯only to discover that no two were the same. She had changed one or two ingredients in each recipe just enough so that no one's cake could not ever be as good as hers, nor could the original recipe be known. In addition to distorted cake recipes, family competitions that impact its members can be played out through excessive teasing, "innocent" jokes and cutting remarks.
Destructive competition is not unknown in the business world. For an example of that, we turn to the story of Ron who was a senior member of a business that serviced media organizations⎯the nature of which requires a high degree of attention to detail and accuracy. Ron was seen as fair and supportive of other staff members and someone trusted as a friend, not a competitor. I was working with a man⎯let's call him Bill⎯who was struggling to understand what he might be doing⎯or not doing⎯that would explain why he wasn't being considered for more advanced assignments, since his training and expertise would seem to warrant a faster rise in the company.
What finally emerged was the true nature of Ron and how he would covertly undercut any possible rival. Ron would "secretly" tell Bill that the media organization had reported some negative feedback about Bill's performance while cautioning Bill not to say anything since Ron was breaking confidentiality. At the same time, Ron would be reporting to the media group that Bill had been saying disparaging things about the group⎯but not to say anything because it was being taken care of by Ron's business associates. Given the negative energy surrounding Bill, it was not surprising that he was being passed by for the better, more challenging and lucrative assignments.
If you have struggled with issues of self-worth or have become aware of something in your history that seems to gnaw at your gut, check your family's interactions for obvious as well as hidden destructive and bullying competitions between and among the adults and between and among the children. If your professional life has suffered, ask yourself if you had permission to win, or were you the designated "loser."
This blog will continue to expand on The Long Reach of Childhood: How Early Experiences Shape You Forever including strategies that can play an important part in the process of breaking free. Hope you'll continue to join me on this journey. And hope your personal and business relationships are free of destructive competitions.
