Cast of Characters in the Narcissistic Family

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Part One of Two

Similar to the alcoholic family, the narcissistic family develops roles for its family members, which we can think of as a cast of characters in a play, with the narcissist in the lead role. For the narcissist to maintain control and make this dysfunctional system work, other family members are cast in specific roles that support the lead character.

In most cases, the spouse validates the narcissistic partner, with the children inadvertently taking on roles of golden child, scapegoat, and lost child. There is one child who is favored, one who is bullied or picked on more than the others, and one who is ignored. Each role serves the needs of the narcissist.

The roles can be switched at different times in the children’s lives. For example, the scapegoat may become the golden child at some point and vice versa. This is all determined by what the parent needs the children to be for them at a particular time. The roles in this dysfunctional family system serve to disrupt true intimacy and bonding, especially among siblings. And the fallout from this sibling dynamic can create lifelong estrangement from the very people who might be the most supportive namely, one’s sisters or brothers.

The Scapegoat Child

With the focus on the children, let’s begin to best understand the scapegoat role. When the narcissistic parent projects their insecure, self-loathing, and or self-critical feelings onto family members, the scapegoat child is the one most often victimized in this way. The scapegoat child becomes the sacrificial lamb of the family and gets dumped on the most. Bullied and put down by the narcissistic parent and not well-liked by their siblings, scapegoat children often feel like the “black sheep” of the family.

The scapegoat may be the rebel in the family, the more critical thinker, the more independent child, or the one who calls out the truth of the narcissist’s behavior when they see it happening before their very eyes. The scapegoat is usually the first one to call “bull” on the narcissist’s need for control and impossible narrative. Scapegoats are also known to break the narcissistic family rules. For example, the scapegoat child tells her mother: “You say you love me, but you don’t act like it.” Or, “We have to pretend everything is fine when Grandma comes, but this family just had World War III here between our very own walls, so how can I act like I have no feelings?”

Sadly, the other members of the family may buy into scapegoating the chosen child, thus becoming the narcissist’s validators. The scapegoat child often ends up carrying the burden of shame for the whole family, believing they are the bad child, the bad person. As one client put it, “My sister and my parents told me for so long that everything was my fault, so I guess it just soaked in. I believed them.”

The interesting thing about the scapegoat child is that they are usually the healthiest in the family because they call out the truth earlier than the other members. They tend to break the patterns of dysfunction sooner than the other family members and often are the only one in the family who works on ending the legacy of narcissism in their adult lives.

The Golden Child

It might seem that being the golden child would feel great, but this role carries its distinct difficulties. While the narcissistic parent projects their negative feelings onto the scapegoat child and others in the family, they project their ideal image of themselves onto the golden child. This often results in the golden child’s becoming more enmeshed with or engulfed by the narcissist than the other siblings. Given the enmeshed relationship with the parent, the idealized child thus finds it more difficult to pull away and individuate because it would involve giving up the attention and admiration bestowed upon them by the narcissistic parent. Wanting to retain the projected image of being exceptional, the golden child usually has difficulty developing an authentic self.

The golden child is clearly favored, and the siblings are often compared to them. Following in the narcissistic parent’s footsteps in career or other activities aligns the golden child even more with the narcissist. Narcissists generally get involved with their children only if the child’s interests are in line with theirs. If the narcissistic parent is into soccer but not music, they will likely attend the soccer games but not the piano recital.

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Golden children tend to report mixed emotions about being treated better than their siblings. Some become smug and entitled and expect preferential treatment outside the family as well. When they get out in the real world, however, they may become confused and upset that those feelings of entitlement work against them, as they are not necessarily favored as they were in their family of origin. Some become narcissists themselves if they don’t understand the dynamics of the narcissistic family and work through their recovery. Others report feeling guilty about having been shown favoritism by their narcissistic parent, knowing that such treatment was unfair. Perhaps, one of the most negative effects of having been treated as a golden child is the ongoing need to be perfect to keep up the image instilled by the narcissistic parent. Such perfectionism can be a very difficult burden throughout one’s life. The golden child often talks about the imposter syndrome or feeling like a fraud. This can cause self-sabotaging behavior.

One can understand the heavy burden carried by the golden child. Their idealized role may look good to the other siblings or outsiders, but it carries with it an emotional disadvantage that is hard to shake.

See Part II: The Lost Child and The Only Child in the Narcissistic Family