Find the Funny

A lawyer who writes humor books? Yup. That’s Lori B. Duff, a recent guest on The Dr. Joe Show, exploring who we are and why we do what we do. We talked about her recent book, If You Did What I Asked In the First Place, and how she uses humor to alleviate some of the stress she experiences as a lawyer and as a county judge. Sometimes she puts people in jail. On the show, she talked about how her I-M is influenced by the way she influences others and the way she is seen by those who stand before her. Some she pardons, some she removes from their home domain and places them in the social domain of prison.

I have also used humor in both my interactions with patients and with my clinical staff. At the end of patient rounds, we share a joke of the day. Humor is an amazing human ability, and as Lori says, we can “find the funny” in almost every situation.

Many years ago when my first child went to college, I had a dream. I dreamed that my wife and I were on the banks of a serene rambling stream, picnicking, enjoying the beautiful day. I was fishing from the bank of this gentle stream when suddenly my fishing rod bent with a bite that was way too big to be in this brook. Quickly I realized that I had hooked an enormous creature, one so big it was pulling me in. I had to let go or be dragged under. I awoke with fear and trepidation and a thought jumped into my head: How am I going to pay for college!?

I told the dream to my newly-accepted-to-college daughter, and before I could tell her my shrinky interpretation, along with the metaphor of a bank, she smiled at me, patted my arm and said, "Aw, Dad, that's so sweet. You have to let go."

When I went to the orientation at the accepting college, the parents were separated from their kids. Students went one way to complete their introduction to college life, and we the parents were "oriented" about housing, insurance, security, food services, etc. Then, they began the "touchy-feely" section called "Holding on and Letting Go." They asked for volunteers from the audience, looking for parents to come up and sit on an ad hoc panel and talk about what it was like to have their child leave home and go to college. Holding on and letting go. Had my daughter known this was all part of the process?

The orientation leader scanned the room looking for volunteers. I was going to go up but my wife held me back. “You are not going up there," she whispered grabbing my arm.

I averted my gaze from the presider.

A panel of parents plodded up to the podium while a university counselor began talking about how to let go of your child, how to limit phone calls, etc. I thought, "I'm a shrink for jeepers sake, I know all this."

I found myself raising my hand.

My wife, sitting next to me, concerned about my limbic impulsivity, pulled my hand down. Undaunted, I raised it again and was recognized.

"Yes?" the presider called on me.

"I am a first time-to-college parent," I began. “My eldest child, my daughter, my first-born, will be going off to college. I know what I am letting go: My kid. But I had no idea, no idea that I would be holding on to such a large Home Equity Loan." I got a round of applause.

I had used humor to address the cortisol driven stress I was experiencing.

We can all do this.

Humor is a remarkable part of who we are as human beings.

Lori B Duff teaches her children to “Find the Funny” in any and every situation. From a biological perspective, this simple technique probably decreases the stress hormone cortisol and shifts a person from the limbic system to the pre-frontal cortex (PFC). Humor is when you can re-frame a situation from one that is potentially destructive to one that is constructive. When I was faced with the impending stress of paying tuition, I was able to shift it to something funny. And many of those parents in the room, likely also feeling the anticipated stress of finding the funds for tuition, laughed along with me.

We can do this for each other all the time. Not to dismiss or diminish someone else’s stress, but to help alleviate, albeit temporarily, the anxiety, the high blood pressure, the sick feeling in one’s stomach of impending doom. When we can see the humor in something we utilize a part of who we are as human beings: an ability to adapt, to step back, and to find a way to approach what may seem unapproachable.

I use humor a lot in my work with patients. Not to belittle or dismiss, but to help them move out of their irrational limbic system and back into their PFC so they can step back and look again at why they do what they do. So they can solve a perceived problem and anticipate what will happen next. So they can wonder instead of worry. So they can move their I-M.

Find the funny. What a great strategy. Find the funny.