Getting Pleasure From Someone Else's Pain

When alleged serial killer Rex Heuerman was arrested for the murders of three young women found on Gilgo Beach in Long Island, sadistic was the first word that popped into my head during the press conference. My reaction was based on some of the information presented by law enforcement: torture porn found on his computer, the fact that the victims were bound, and the reports that the killer had contacted one of the victim's younger sisters to taunt her about what he had done.

We often associate sadism with extremes, envisioning sinister movie villains or real-life serial killers. If the alleged facts are true, the Gilgo Beach serial killer is likely a sexually sadistic serial killer. Fortunately, these are extremely rare.

Nonsexual sadism, however, is not. As it turns out, the act of getting pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others falls on a continuum. There's a more subtle version commonly called "everyday sadism." The odds are that you've encountered it more than once during your lifetime. And while everyday sadists don't have the same deadly agenda as a sexually sadistic serial killer, they can wreak havoc on your psyche if you let them.

More Than a Bad Temper or Mean Streak

Imagine a scenario where you have a heated argument with someone, and they retaliate with deeply hurtful remarks. Perhaps your wife sarcastically makes fun of a traumatic event you've shared in confidence, or your boyfriend cruelly criticizes what he knows is your most profound vulnerability. You're devastated by this betrayal, and it shows on your face.

That's the everyday sadist's sweet spot. An individual without sadistic tendencies might feel a sense of regret or guilt even if they've "won" the argument. Winning the fight was the goal, not destroying the person in the process. The emotional havoc was just collateral damage.

For someone with sadistic tendencies, though, causing pain is the goal. People high on this personality trait often describe getting a rush of adrenaline when they hurt someone else; they feel dominant, powerful, and in control.

One self-described everyday sadist said, "As they say, it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And then it's even more fun and games! Think of the feeling you get when you do something fun or exhilarating (like a roller coaster or sex or whatever), and then imagine you get that feeling when you hurt someone. That's what it's like to be a sadist."

How It Looks in Everyday Life

It's easy to recognize sadism when it involves physical violence toward a nonconsenting adult, small child, or animal. In my forensic work, I've seen more than one parent who seemed to look for ways to humiliate or harm his child, seeming to take perverse pleasure in the devastating result. And few of us would argue that a child over six or seven who enjoys torturing animals isn't a child who is sending up red flares signaling danger ahead.

But there are subtler, psychological forms of sadism that can also be insidious and damaging. Researchers who investigate sadism in normal (nonclinical) adults look for things like:

• Creating "drama" just to see people turn on an innocent person.
• Frequent internet trolling.
• Bullying or ridiculing others, especially in front of witnesses.
• Mocking others who are experiencing pain or failure.
• Making derisive jokes or playing cruel "pranks."
• Controlling through verbal intimidation or fear.
• Deceptive acts meant to humiliate (spreading false rumors, sabotaging someone's work, etc.).

At this point, you might be wondering how sadism is different from psychopathy. While both can involve cruel acts and a lack of empathy, the primary difference lies in their attitude toward harm. For a psychopath without sadistic tendencies, another's pain or suffering is inconsequential, neither a source of pleasure nor discomfort. If you get hurt in the process of them getting what they want, too bad; it's nothing personal. They are, in essence, indifferent.

In contrast, the everyday sadist actively seeks to cause suffering in others. And when they do, relish it. Such behaviors reflect individuals who constantly seek ways to assert dominance and engage in cruel acts to feel powerful and superior.

However, they are unlikely to act in a way that would be criminal or dangerous (at least in contexts where such behavior would result in social disapproval or punishment). It depends on how prevalent the sadistic trait is; when measured through surveys, it has been linked to more significant behaviors like animal abuse, arson, vandalism, and threats. It also depends on whether it accompanies other antisocial traits; it is not uncommon, for example, for sadism and psychopathy to co-exist.

Personality Essential Reads

Which Job Is the Best Fit for Your Personality?

Can the Fighting Arts Promote Positive Personality Traits?

Every person is unique. Sadism is a single personality trait; how it gets expressed varies among individuals. It's also important to note that sexual sadism and "everyday" sadism are different. Some people into sexual bondage and domination find a willing partner who's into masochism, and it's a win-win; in other aspects of their lives, they may be as gentle as a teddy bear.

Some nonsexual sadists have no interest in bringing it into the bedroom. And then there are those few individuals in which sadism seems to dominate every aspect of their lives, invariably to the detriment of those around them.

What Do Psychologists Do with It?

Subclinical or everyday sadism is not a mental health disorder. It is not linked to low self-esteem, depression, or anxiety. It is not typically something people struggle with or seek help for. The havoc it wreaks tends to be on other people, not the ordinary sadist. From the everyday sadist's point of view, it's your problem, not theirs.

Mental health professionals have long recognized and been concerned about the interpersonal repercussions of this personality trait. In fact, the concept of sadism found its way into the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual in 1987, when it was categorized as a personality disorder.

The 1987 definition of sadistic personality disorder outlined a range of behaviors starting in adolescence. Among the criteria were:

1. Employing physical cruelty to assert dominance.
2. Humiliating or demeaning others publicly.
3. Experiencing pleasure from others' pain, including that of animals.
4. Deception with the intent to harm.
5. Using fear and terror as a control mechanism.
6. Overly controlling those close to them.
7. An intense interest in violence, weaponry, and torture.

But by the fourth edition of the DSM, it was omitted, primarily due to concerns about potential misuse in legal settings. i.e., "The defendant shouldn't be held responsible for his behavior because he has a mental illness." Despite its removal from official diagnostic criteria, there is evidence that sadism is a distinct construct different from other forms of aggression, such as those observed in conditions like psychopathy, narcissism, and antisocial personality disorders.

Because sadism involves causing pain rather than experiencing it, therapists typically don't have clients walking into their offices wanting to correct this personality trait. They are far more likely to see their spouses or partners trying to deal with the fallout.

The Bottom Line

We don't know why some individuals derive a perverse pleasure from hurting others. Famous Swiss psychologist Alice Miller said this about it: "Sadism is not an infectious disease that strikes a person all of a sudden. It has a long prehistory in childhood and always originates in the desperate fantasies of a child searching for a way out of a hopeless situation."

That may well be true. I have empathy for any child who is trapped in a traumatic childhood. But I also see too many loving partners and spouses who try too hard to make up for their partner's past hurts, give excuses for inexcusable behavior, and believe their love can transform their partner's personality. I've yet to see this succeed, but I've seen plenty of people destroyed by the effort.