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Key points
- Unkind narratives about male sexual function are being propagated and supported.
- Shaming men makes them less comfortable with partnered sex, and thus hurts women.
- Advances in sex tech offer the experience of intimacy in a safe and welcoming environment.
- If we do not quickly become better partners, sex tech will succeed where we are failing.
We have done a stellar job identifying the ways women are shamed by inappropriate and harmful sexual narratives. Our support of female sexual expression is something we can, and should, be proud of. Yet our efforts remain incomplete. We are ignoring the equally damaging messages we perpetuate about men. The more we engage in these destructive, shaming narratives, the more fragile human intimacy becomes.
Simultaneously, sex tech is becoming only more powerful and compelling. Ultimately, sex tech may provide a more accepting sexual environment than a human partner. Before that happens, it’s time we recognize how much we hurt each other and make a much-needed course correction.
Here are five male sexual concerns coupled with our unhelpful narratives:
Sexual Concern: Premature Ejaculation
Sexism within the concept: If a woman orgasms quickly, she’s considered a sexual rock star. How great that she’s so responsive and excitable!
What society says: You have no self-control.
What sex tech says: You are welcome here.
Sexual Concern: Delayed Ejaculation
Sexism within the concept: Sex therapists have made great strides in educating people about the fact that only a subset of women orgasm during intercourse. Yet, we pathologize men for the same behavior.
What society says: You must be watching too much porn.
What sex tech says: You are welcome here.
Sexual Concern: Erectile Dysfunction
Sexism within the concept: If a woman has an arousal issue but still wants to have sex, she uses lube and has sex. If a man has an arousal issue, intercourse cannot happen.
What society says: You are obsessed with your penis.
What sex tech says: You are welcome here.
Sexual Concern: Toxic Masculinity
Sexism within the concept: Females find powerful men attractive. That power can be in the form of athletics, finances, business, music, intelligence—really, just about anything. Women also find a certain type of aggressive masculinity sexy. For example, one-third of hetero, college-age women were consensually choked during their most recent sexual experience (Herbenick et al., 2022).
Additionally, the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, romance novels depicting a powerful man seducing a submissive woman into sexual bondage and domination, were the three top-selling novels of their decade. The fine line between toxic masculinity and powerful, erotic masculinity can be confusing to grasp.
What society says: Toxic masculinity supports a patriarchy that ruins women’s lives.
What sex tech says: You are welcome here.
Sexual Concern: Over-Use of Sex Tech: Porn, Chatbot Girlfriends, Avatar Sex, Etc.
Sexism within the concept: Females have enjoyed the use of sex tech (vibrators) for decades. The narrative was that they damaged men’s fragile egos. But as men enjoy advancing sex tech today, the commentary is not that this damages a fragile female ego. Instead, it’s that men use too much sex tech.
What society says: This is porn addiction.
What sex tech says: You are welcome here.
The Take-Home Message?
Men hurt women, and women hurt men. It’s time we acknowledge the totality of this dynamic… and change it. Shaming men does nothing to benefit women—in fact, it isolates them.
We are living in a fascinating moment in history. In the past, intimacy was the exclusive purview of human sex. Sex tech provided only stimulation. But this distinction is already blurring.
Today’s sex tech aims to provide not just sexual stimulation but the sensation of intimacy and emotional connection. And they are succeeding. Research already demonstrates that advancing sex tech generates feelings of vulnerability and intimacy in their users (Dekker et al., 2021).
Men with sexual dysfunctions are already more likely to choose masturbation coupled with porn over partnered sex. This trend shows no signs of abating. If we humans do not quickly become better lovers, sex tech will succeed where we are currently failing. Shaming benefits no one. We need to create safer spaces for men in relationships, or the safety of tech will become even more compelling.
References
Dekker, A., Wenzlaff, F., Biedermann, S.V., Briken, P. & Fuss J. (2021) VR Porn as “Empathy Machine”? Perception of Self and Others in Virtual Reality Pornography, The Journal of Sex Research, 58:3, 273-278, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2020.1856316
Herbenick D, Rosenberg M, Golzarri-Arroyo L, Fortenberry JD, Fu TC. (2022). Changes in Penile-Vaginal Intercourse Frequency and Sexual Repertoire from 2009 to 2018: Findings from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Arch Sex Behav, 51(3):1419–1433. doi: 10.1007/s10508-021-02125-2.
