4 Ways Technology Is Transforming Our Sex Lives

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Sex is one of the few behaviors we share with other primates, but human sex is getting a serious tech upgrade. We aren’t the only primates who self-pleasure, but we are the only ones who have elevated our game to encompass technology. Tech is already changing how humans have sex, and the transformation has only just begun.

First, people are having less sex than in the past. Between 2000 and 2018 sexual activity decreased in men ages 18 to 24 such that one in three men had no sex in the preceding year (Ueda et al., 2020). Similarly, Herbenick et al. (2022) reported decreased penile-vaginal intercourse among 14- to 49-year-olds between 2009 and 2018. Numerous studies have shown these trends are international, and multiple variables are likely contributing to the results. Perhaps the most obvious is porn. In the 1970s and 1980s, VHS tape and VCR players enabled people access to porn films. But it wasn’t until the 1990s when most homes had computers and the astounding immediate accessibility of online porn was realized. Fast forward to today’s stats on decreased sexual frequency, and it just makes sense that as sex tech gains in popularity, intensity, and reach, people depend less on each other for this most fundamental of human behaviors.

But it’s not just the amount of sex that’s changing; the kind of sex humans have is also shifting. An obvious example is the surprising popularity of choking on college campuses. Up until about a decade ago, choking during sex was relatively unknown, primarily occurred during masturbation, and was referred to as autoerotic asphyxiation. It generally only made news when someone accidentally killed themselves in the process. Somewhere in the 2010s, choking as a BDSM practice made news in forensic journals, mostly, again, when someone accidentally died. But, for the most part, it’s only been since the early 2020s that Debby Herbenick and her research team began prolifically publishing about this issue. For example, she found that 35 percent of college females reported being choked in their most recent sexual experiences (Herbenick et al., 2023). This number was higher than the percentage of women who reported using a sex toy during partnered sexual activity. Wow. Further, students didn’t report that choking improved their sexual satisfaction. Now, I don’t care what people do between the sheets, as long as it’s consensual. But this begs the question: Why are people adding choking to their sexual repertoire so frequently if it’s not improving their experience? It appears that there’s more for us to understand on this topic. It seems likely, though, that porn is teaching people about less typical sexual activities. So, while people are having less sex, the sex they are having may be less traditional.

Another way tech is transforming human sex is with artificial girlfriends. This technology is gaining steam with the recent release of large language models, giving artificial intelligence the impressive ability to “talk” with you. Artificial girlfriends are made-to-order visual chatbots that can talk dirty, sext nude photos, adopt a specific personality you find erotic, such as dominant or submissive, remember information about you, wear your favorite lingerie, and basically perform all the functions of a human girlfriend via text, voice mail, and, apparently soon, short video calls. They are currently referred to as "girlfriends" because it's a technology that primarily caters to hetero guys. Some suggest that artificial girlfriends represent a societal effort at diversity in a romantic experience. One such platform, Character AI, began business in September 2022 and is already valued at more than $1 billion. If that doesn’t make your head spin, it should.

Of course, the entire sex toy industry is booming. By 2030, it’s expected to represent a $17 billion market. So, all signs support the idea that while people are having less sex together, they aren’t necessarily having less sex. Hopefully, this also means that people are having less unwanted sex and more satisfying sex, and that folks without partners aren’t feeling sexually neglected, since they have a world of virtual partners and sex toys at their disposal.

One thing’s for certain: Technology is changing what it means to be human. As of now, our most intimate moments no longer require another person. Who we will become as sexual beings in the next decades is impossible to imagine. But let’s not wait passively for the future of humanity to unfold. Intimate relationships are challenging but offer authentic connection. Sex tech offers easy, compelling excitement but no depth. Mindfully combining the best of both worlds may ultimately provide humanity with the most pleasure. But we aren’t going to accomplish much in a mindful way unless we discuss it.

The time is now for us to engage more actively in this integration of sex and tech. How we do this may seem uncertain, but we need to develop ideas. As I see it, the future of human intimacy depends on it.