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QUESTION
Hi Friendship Doctor,
Like many who write you, I was also dumped by a friend. Maybe it was a gradual fading of a close friendship, but it felt like she was the one to pull away over time until I could no longer get her to agree to hanging out--always one excuse after the other.
We used to text and chat and spend time at one another's house while our kids played together...multiple times a week. From one year to the next, our interactions decreased dramatically, and now it's been another year since things felt even remotely "normal" between us. I've asked her to hang out maybe three times since I realized our relationship was burning out and have consistently been turned down. I even got the courage to ask if I had done anything to upset her and was reassured she was just busy.
She confided a lot in me, prior to the decline, about being unfaithful in her marriage. I think I'm the only person to know (other than the other man). Could she be associating me with that negative time in her life?
How do I get over this feeling? We're still polite and friendly when our paths cross in social situations. We have many mutual friends, and thanks to Facebook I see when *they* spend time together. I don't think I could ever want our close friendship rekindled after feeling this hurt, but I don't know *how* to move on.
Thank you for your advice,
Amy
ANSWER
Hi Amy,
It’s always hard to get over feeling dumped by a friend to whom you felt so close, especially since your kids were involved with her family and you have mutual friends, too.
You suggest that this breakup wasn’t sudden, that your friend was gradually pulling away. I think you’ve done all the right things that you can do. You’ve asked her if something was wrong, you’ve extended invitations and indicated your interest in getting together, and you’ve stepped back to a more cordial (and distant friendship) after her non-response.
When you’re dumped without explanation, there isn’t much else to do. When friendships are as close and intense as was yours, they are difficult to get over because you had so many ties between you. All you can do is give yourself time, reach out to other friends, and don’t blame yourself for the breakup. As you suggest, your friend may be struggling with other issues in her life that you’re only involved in peripherally. If you can avoid tracking on Facebook, do that.
There is a pervasive myth that all friendships last forever but not all of them do—even very good ones.
Hope this helps.
My best, Irene
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