Is It Common to Love More Than One Person?

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have been with my now-husband for around eight years and I still love him very much. I consider him a best friend. I can be myself totally with him. We have the same interests, the same dreams, and the same goals in life. He is someone I love to spend time with, whom I always have fun with, and whom I still feel excited and happy to see at the end of the day.

However at the very same time, for about four years now, I have loved his best friend as well (also a very close friend of mine). I fell in love with this man when he moved in with my now-husband after college. I had known his best friend in college and we were friendly but not close. With them living together though, we began spending a lot of time together as a threesome. When he began dating a close friend of mine, the four of us hung out all the time for that year they dated! Then when he and my close friend broke up, he came to me often crying and wanting to talk about it, as I knew her well.

And then, my now-husband, his best friend and another good mutual male friend of ours decided to move in together. So over the past few years, I have grown very close to this man through our shared experiences and time spent together.

I have never told him I love him and I don't plan to. I love my husband and want to be with him, so there would be no point in revealing this information. However it is something I have lived with inside for a long time and have grown accustomed to it.

We no longer live with the best friend, as my husband and I now live together since we are married. We also don't see the best friend as often, as he lives about 40 minutes away and has a serious girlfriend now. With not seeing him as often, I don't think about him as much and it isn't that difficult for me anymore. But sometimes when I do see him, it is hard for me. The feelings are still there and they often resurface when I see him. Sometimes I can deal with it internally better than I can at other times.

My question to you though isn't a "what should I do" sort of question because as I said above, I don't plan to do anything. There is nothing to be done. I plan to stay friends with him because he is part of our close circle of friends and is also a close friend of mine who I love having in my life and I don't plan to say a word ever because it would only cause damage and be pointless.

My question is this instead: Do you think this is a common thing? For a person to love more than one person at once? For a person to fall in love with someone the way I did and yet, still be happy with the person they are with, but to love another at the same time? I have read a couple other sources that say this is a fairly common thing but I am curious what you think.

Signed, Cheryl

ANSWER

Hi Cheryl,

It's less common to love two men than one, but whether or not it is a common doesn't really matter. You feel that way, and have for some time, and you are writing because it concerns you.

So far you have done a great job in creating boundaries to preserve your relationship with your husband, as well as your marriage. It's okay to feel love for his best friend but it's not okay to act on those feelings unless you are willing to jeopardize your marriage and I think you understand that.

So you are correct in not telling him or telling your husband about the way you feel. It can only hurt everyone involved. One other caution: Make sure you don't do anything that would create distance between your and your husband: 1) Try never to be alone with his best friend. This could change the nature of the friendship and lead to trouble. 2) Don't depend on his best friend as an emotional confidante.

Hope this helps.

My best,

Irene