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From the beginning of our lives, we have been socialized very differently as boys and girls.
For thousands of years, boys have been socialized in ways meant to prepare them for hunting and warfare: activities that demand physical and emotional toughness, adherence to simple rules, and respect for authority. In most cases, the socialization of boys—by their fathers, older brothers, and their coaches—proceeds similar to that of male animals in the wild. Boys are encouraged to compete physically, sometimes violently, to determine the pecking order of their respective social groups. Some of the physical games that boys have traditionally played to establish this pecking order include King of the Hill, Kill the Man with the Ball, and Suicide.
For wild animals, the pecking order represents the order in which the males of the group—from the alpha to the omega— eat and choose a mate. Among boys, however, the pecking order establishes the group's leadership (i.e., the alpha male) and the right to haze all other boys below oneself. Whether it's with boys or wild animals, group members are made painfully aware through experience that "survival of the fittest" is the only rule that matters, and respect in the group is not freely given, it must be earned through victory in battle. Accordingly, for both boys and wild animals, one learns quickly that showing any kind of weakness is to be avoided because it invites all those below you in the pecking order to challenge your position. Showing weakness also gives those above you in the pecking order an opportunity to show off their prowess by demonstrating it on you.
In the modern world, while we no longer need to train our sons for subsistence hunting or habitual warfare, the socialization practices we've inherited from our paternal ancestors get passed down to boys through their modern equivalents: sports. For this reason, you are much more likely to see fathers prioritize winning at their sons' sporting events, while mothers are more likely to promote character, skill development, and fair play.
In contrast to the pecking order of boys, girls are socialized by the elder women of their groups, according to psychoanalytic feminist Nancy Chodorow, to cultivate traits conducive to child-rearing and community building. Because "it takes a village to raise a child," as per the old African aphorism, paraphrased by Hillary Clinton for the title of her 1996 book, girls are more likely than boys to be encouraged to adopt strong communication skills, compassion, and an openness to collaboration. Unlike the social groups in which boys are socialized, in female-dominated social groups asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and respect does not need to be earned, it is the birthright of all living creatures.
If the paradigm in which boys are socialized most closely resembles a hierarchical pecking order, the paradigm that might best describe the socialization of girls is that of a circle of friends. To illustrate this point, I have listed below an excerpt from the song Make New Friends, which is often sung at the end of Girl Scouts troop meetings (as my daughter well knows) with the girls holding hands in a circle:
"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.
A circle is round, it has no end. That's how long I will be your friend.
A fire burns bright, it warms the heart. We've been friends from the very start.
You have one hand, I have the other. Put them together, we have each other.
Silver is precious, gold is too. I am precious and so are you.
You help me and I'll help you, and together we will see it through..."
While girls may be socialized to value bonding, it should not be assumed that girls are always kind to each other or are immune to the vicious hazing practices that are common among boys. However, girls are more likely than boys to be admonished by their female peers, and especially their elders, when they use aggressive, exploitative, or selfish means to attain alpha status. For many girls and women, these tactics are not just unseemly and worthy of rebuke, they go against the sisterhood code. For boys, on the other hand, the use of these tactics is not only expected, it's often rewarded by their male peers and male elders.
As a result of being socialized in the different ways described above, boys and girls grow up with a different set of rules, expectations, and norms (RENs) for themselves within their social groups. As they grow into men and women, those RENs get translated into diverging values and political beliefs.
In my observation, if there is one value that tends to divide men and women more than any other it is that of fairness. Boys who have been socialized by the pecking order learn that life is inherently unfair, and any attempts to establish fairness are likely to fall victim to the law of unintended consequences.
Furthermore, men of the pecking order are wary of any outsider imposing his own notions of fairness onto their lives because they tend to believe that all external agents (e.g., sports referees; government regulators, etc.) are biased in one way or another. As a result, traditionally socialized men are inclined to abandon the pursuit of fairness and instead pursue a win-at-all-costs mentality with aphorisms like "all is fair in love and war" and "if you ain't cheatin' you ain't trying."
For women, however, fairness is an ideal to which we all should aspire. Perhaps it is because women in mixed-gender groups are more likely to be the victims of myriad inequities; or that women may be more sympathetic to the suffering of others, caused by unfairness in the world. Whatever the reason, traditionally socialized women seem to be more disturbed by the absence of fairness than men.
As you might imagine, perspectives on fairness and respect culminate in a person's political ideology. Political commentators, including New York Times columnist David Brooks, cognitive linguist George Lakoff and political commentator Jude Wanniski often say that in America there is a "mommy party" (the Democratic Party) and a "daddy party" (the Republican Party). Despite the fact that there are many conservative women who are registered Republicans, and many liberal men who are registered Democrats, Republican positions on most social and economic issues correlate with notions of respect and fairness that align with those of traditional masculinity, while Democratic positions on these issues correlate with notions of respect and fairness that align with those of traditional femininity. (For an expanded discussion on this topic, check out Gert Jan Hofstede's research, as presented in this episode of the Freakonomics podcast)
As is easy to see, for individuals who believe that respect must be earned and that fairness is an illusion unworthy of pursuit, Republican ideology—with its rugged individualism, free-market capitalism and unabashed support for military interventions—is most palatable. Conversely, for individuals who believe that respect is a birthright for all and that a strong central government can be trusted to maintain a fair and just society, Democratic ideology—with its collectivistic leanings and its emphasis on advancing civil rights—is most appealing.
Here I believe it is necessary for me to make an important point: Republican and Democratic ideologies have very different visions of what an ideal society looks like. The differences here are not just cosmetic but cut to the core of each person's values. For this reason, political compromises are difficult and rare because our perspectives on fairness and justice cut to the core of our identity, which is based in large part on the ways we've been socialized for thousands of years as boys and girls.
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Update - 3/31/22: For those who may be interested, numerous points from this post were echoed and expanded upon in a recent New York Times article, What We Know About the Women Who Vote for Republicans and the Men Who Do Not, which highlighted the research of Bradley DiMariano, Arnold Ho, Joslyn Barnhart and others.
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I invite you to read Part 2 of my series on gender, The Battle for Tomorrow: Technology & the Rise of Women, which focuses on how the Technological Revolution has enabled women to compete equally with men in most careers, leading to a gender tug-of-war over whose rules, expectations, and norms should prevail.
