Why You're Asking "Is Returning Worth It?"

person holding garment that is being blown by the wind

Source: Aditya Saxena/Unsplash

After surviving the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us are grappling with a sense of impending doom—the life that we have carved out for this past year, largely out of survival, is now about to change, again.

As I was watching the NFL draft last night, I was struck by how many commercials were trying to sell a return to "back to normal." Apparently, it was time for me to buy better-smelling deodorant, dye my hair with the most current box-color dye you can purchase at your local drug store, and get a new car because now I can drive around with my friends. I found myself disconcerted on many levels. As I outlined last year in "Why We Should Not Expect to be Normal Again—Even After a Vaccine,"¹ I personally believe that "normal" is dead. We have gone through a collective trauma, and many of us do not want to return back to "normal."

I have begun to notice a trend in myself, my clients, and in the news.^2,3,4 As we are being asked to return to work by our employers, many are asking: "Is this worth it?" As friends are beginning to reemerge and plan get-togethers, many are wondering, "What does it mean that I'm dreading seeing them?" And as family reunions are being planned, some are realizing, "I really enjoyed the lack of input they had in my life."

Often, my clients will turn inward and make shame-filled conclusions, such as "What is wrong with me?" or "I must be the only one that feels this way."

Instead, I invite us to ask, without judgment: What can this uncomfortable feeling teach me about my experience, and what wisdom can I turn into action? When we can begin to understand what existential fear is being triggered, we can then use that as insight toward better understanding ourselves. And rather than shaming ourselves, we can ultimately use it to work toward change.⁵

Humans tend to have four common existential fears.^6,7 The same existential fears that were triggered when the COVID-19 pandemic hit (see my post "Why Are We So Afraid of the COVID-19 Pandemic?"⁸) are the same existential fears that are being triggered now.

1. Groundlessness.

The fear of groundlessness is triggered when we have to make decisions in an ever unstable, always-changing world. This is a fear that is exposed when we want to know the "right" way and ultimately, the decision is up to us. Sure, there are plenty of people that want to tell us what the "right" way is, but the final decision is ours to make.

For so many, COVID-19 was a wake-up call that life is unpredictable. As we are wrestling with whether or not to return to the office, we are acutely aware that not all of life's decisions are up to us. For many, their employers will decide. When our desire is something that is not in our control, we can become anxious, angry, depressed, and resentful.

To counter these feelings, I invite you to ask yourself: What about this situation is triggering groundlessness? Is there something that this fear is revealing to me? What in this do I actually have control over? This will help you begin to consider what you can do. (i.e., say no thank you to a get-together, negotiate with your boss over remote working, look for a new job, change careers, etc.).

2. Isolation.

We have all had to face the fear of isolation at different points in this pandemic. The fear of isolation is the reality that we all live and die alone. We each have our own lived experience and no one, not even our partners, siblings, or best friends, know what it is like to live in our shoes. This has been magnified with this pandemic.

My experience here in Michigan has been very different than my loved ones in Florida or Colorado. Even in Michigan, there is a great diversity of experiences, largely mitigated by employment expectations and privilege. We have each lived our own experience during the pandemic, and for many, we lived it alone with very few distractions. I have been struck as I get together with some of my friends at the vast responses of the ways that they have coped through the pandemic, each in their own way.

When we begin to understand that our longing for someone to validate our lived experience comes from the deep fear and avoidance of the existential reality of isolation, we can begin to get some breathing room. If you are reading this, you have survived this last year. Your experiences are your experiences, and no one can take that from you, and no one will understand it more than you. Start with validating your lived experience and see where that can take you.

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3. Identity.

What our own lived experience taught us may now reveal the next existential fear of identity. You may have changed because of what you had to endure. That is okay. You are different now—how could you not be? See if you can meet this fear with the reality check of who you are now.

For many, the anxiety exists in the place of cognitive dissonance between who they were before and who they are now. See what happens when you validate who you are now and what you had to endure. Meet yourself now, informed by this past year.

You may have been a raging extrovert and now you find comfort in your own home. You may have realized that family was more important than ever for you. You may have redefined your definition of "family" and have decided not to travel to see them this year. You may have been enlightened that some work patterns were toxic for you. You may not want the same things as you did before. You may now want some new tattoos and piercings more than you want that work promotion. Again, that is okay! It is completely normal.

What does your new self want now? Engage with honesty and you might just be surprised with the freedom that comes with being authentically you, changes and all.

4. Death.

This past year, death has been hard to ignore, even in a society that has been constructed around the avoidance of death. The goal of 2020 (and 2021 so far) has been to survive—and yet, we have lost so many we love.

Being faced with our own death and the death of loved ones has a way of clarifying almost any value. It cuts right to the heart of the matter. Life is short—what do you want to do with your chance at it?

Maybe for you, it is the realization of what relationships actually matter to you. It can help you reshape your priorities with what life energy you have left. We all have an amount of time left on this earth, and we are never guaranteed how long it will be. Now that you are aware of this, what do you want for your life?

Accepting existential fears as realities is where wisdom can be found.⁹ What can you learn about what is meaningful to you? Only you can answer this for yourself. As you emerge from your pandemic reality, this is your moment to try something different: to become fully conscious of your experience and press into who you want to become and how you want to live.

Please consider posting a picture that represents what is meaningful to you and tag @theexistentialtherapist and @psych_today on Instagram. We would love to see what you learn about yourself along the way.